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Grief (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
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J.h
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I think this piece has a lot of potential, it has a concept that is timely and which you as the writer could draw a lot of emotion from, really connecting and impacting the reader. I do however think that it’s too prose like at the minute, you have moments that need to be left unexplained. Too many moments where the reader is led directly and told what the writer wants them to see. Take for instance the first portion on the chair, from the outset you tell the reader that the husband is gone, instead and this is only a suggestion focus on writing the chair as empty, allow the reader to intuit the fact that he’s dead and gone. Utilise the creaking of the chair to evoke the body of an old man.

When you talk about the night being the toughest, don’t tell the reader that show them, have the laugh echo like a ghost. It’s all there the idea is there, but you spend so much time telling the reader what to see and feel about the piece that you miss actually showing them.

It’s a bit like stage directions in a play, they set the scene gives instructions on how to stage it, but it’s the words of dialogue and the unwritten characterisation that makes it.

Like I said, this has the potential, it just needs writing between the lines.

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I think this piece has a lot of potential, it has a concept that is timely and which you as the writer could draw a lot of emotion from, really connecting and impacting the reader. I do however think that it’s too prose like at the minute, you have moments that need to be left unexplained. Too many moments where the reader is led directly and told what the writer wants them to see. Take for instance the first portion on the chair, from the outset you tell the reader that the husband is gone, instead and this is only a suggestion focus on writing the chair as empty, allow the reader to intuit the fact that he’s dead and gone. Utilise the creaking of the chair to evoke the body of an old man.

When you talk about the night being the toughest, don’t tell the reader that show them, have the laugh echo like a ghost. It’s all there the idea is there, but you spend so much time telling the reader what to see and feel about the piece that you miss actually showing them.

It’s a bit like stage directions in a play, they set the scene gives instructions on how to stage it, but it’s the words of dialogue and the unwritten characterisation that makes it.

Like I said, this has the potential, it just needs writing between the lines.

Cheers

Syd

Thank You very much Syd, I know what you mean. I’ll come back to it at some point.
I sometimes think , all of these stories and poems, are going to create something special.
I would like to write something amazing.
I know what I have currently written doesn’t break technical records. I know it’s going to take time just like everything else to perfect this craft.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
There are bones there, but like you say it takes time and it’s a case a lot of the time that you cut everything back to one distinct image. Here you have the chair this idea of laughs at night, if you focus on these individual images and write around them that’s where I’d take this. Use everything else to guide the piece but it’s a case that you don’t always need to include everything you’ve written. Less is more.

Cheers

Syd
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I really like the potential and idea of this poem. Very emotional.
I feel like you should dive deeper in to the small things you miss about your husband and dive deeper into your children not being around as much, but through imagery and poetic language. For example, "Toys now collecting dust...rooms dim with silence"
Thank you for being vulnerable with this one.

-Annie
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
There are bones there, but like you say it takes time and it’s a case a lot of the time that you cut everything back to one distinct image. Here you have the chair this idea of laughs at night, if you focus on these individual images and write around them that’s where I’d take this. Use everything else to guide the piece but it’s a case that you don’t always need to include everything you’ve written. Less is more.

Cheers

Syd

Thank You very much Syd [emoji120]
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
I really like the potential and idea of this poem. Very emotional.
I feel like you should dive deeper in to the small things you miss about your husband and dive deeper into your children not being around as much, but through imagery and poetic language. For example, "Toys now collecting dust...rooms dim with silence"
Thank you for being vulnerable with this one.

-Annie

Thank You very much Annie [emoji3590]
 
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