Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Grand Mutiny (Adult Language, 1100 wc) (1 Viewer)

Just_Phil

Senior Member
I know I just got here and haven't critiqued anything yet, but the stories available to me in "Showcase" are old and I fear may belong to new members that have moved on from this site and/or story. If you have one you wish critiqued please just let me know and I'll take a look, no matter how old.

Anywhoser, this is what's been tickling my brain lately. Still rusty so bring your hammers and chisels please. Thanks everyone


Grand Mutiny

Hayde tongued the clay bead of Nektor in his mouth, his thumbs idling away at the hilts of his pistols, trailing along the blade that curved from hilt to barrel tip. The cold fire of nervousness in his gut echoed the chaos of the storm outside the airship. The other fourteen soldiers in the ship's hull dealt with their own anxiety in their own way. The majority masked their fear with false bravado, waving their guns around, mimicking what they were sure to do when they hit the Nymp, a wise few staring silently into their future deaths. Hayde ignored the mass of idiots and concentrated on centering himself and Vik, the only Storm Rider worth a damned in his opinion.

Vik sat still, the blue flush of dread tinging her lips. Her shotgun rested across her knees, one hand pressing firmly down on the axe blade at its tip, the other hand held open and up, the tiny clay bead of Nektor cradled within the bare palm. The dark brown skin of her hand was faint with white hues from pressing so hard down on the axe blade to stave off the tremors accosting her legs.

Hayde maneuvered the bead to between his upper lip and gum and tried to get her attention. "Vik." Hayde said it low at first then slightly louder so as to not attract attention from the others, "Vik." When she didn't respond he leaned a little into the natural sway of the airship so his shoulder jostled hers, "Vik." He expected some jolt of surprise from her but instead all he got was a slow turn of her head. Her brown eyes were darker than usual and devoid of any life. Her lips were deepening with their shade of blue, almost purple now. She held his gaze with those deep vacant eyes and her lips moved as if in conversation, but no sound came out.

Hayde had seen this happen before when Vik was having one of her visions. He always wondered what those eyes that seemed to hold no light saw when she did this. "We don't have time for this shit," he growled low. "Get it together." He knew his words had nothing to do with it, but her eyes sparkled back to life and widened with a kind of fright that imprinted itself on Hayde.

Vik looked around as if she hadn't been riding on the same bench in the ship's hull for the past two hours. When she met Hayde's eyes her own were back to normal. She shivered and said, "Fuck."

Hayde asked, "What did you see this time?"

Vik looked around the mass of soldiers with them in the hull. "They're all gonna die. All except me..."

Hayde let out a short laugh, "Well, that aint such a bad vision now is it." Vik shrugged, her eyes dropping down to the Nektor in her hand. "Well," Hayde asked, "do I die?"

Vik didn't look up as she responded in a flat tone, "You know I never see you in my visions."

"Well," Hayde said crossing his arms behind his head and leaning back against the curved wall of the hull, "no news is good news I guess." He wished he could say it didn't bother him, but Vik's visions were always accurate and the fact that he was never in them annoyed him. Out of his peripheral he studied her black curly hair bobbing along with the ship, wondering if she had just been lying to him...

Kooz, came stomping down the stairs into the hull, his metal stump of a leg announcing him first. He had smile lines from yelling all the time, and half a thick white beard. The other half having been burned off in a Nymp explosion long ago, what remained was a mess of scars and bubbled skin topped with a milky half-closed eye. His voice boomed into the hull, "Alright you mangey bastards. We're in a holding position above the Nymp. If our intel is right, it's being farmed by twenty troops."

Mason, one of the false bravado idiots from before spoke up, "Then why the hell is everyone else here? Don't worry guys, I'll handle this." A general murmur of laughter answered him.

"Well," Koos' voice was just as loud but slow and measured now, the laughter died. "Looks like Mason just volunteered for scout duty with Hayde." Mason's smile dropped with that. The realization that he was going in first, thirty seconds before the rest of the troops jumped put his hubris in check. Koos narrowed his hard eyes at Mason and called out, "That alright with you Hayde?"

Before Hayde could argue that Mason was a should of been swallowed or even utter one curse, Vik spoke up with confidence in her voice. "Searge, I was hoping I could go with Hayde."

Koos turned his stare from Mason to Vik and raised a bare eyebrow, the half scar-closed eye making it look menacing as opposed to questioning, but the level tone balanced it out. "You want scout duty Vik?"

Vik nodded, "I've been training."

Koos swiveled his milky eye to Hayde for a split second and Hayde nodded discretely. "Alright then Vik," Koos said and turned back to Mason. "That is if the great warrior Mason will give up his newly promoted position."

Mason shrugged and turned his head away quickly to hide the relief that swept over his face. He murmured, "Sure... I mean if she wants to."

Koos speared Mason for a good few seconds and then swept his grizzled face across the rest of the hull. "It's settled then. Hayde and Vik are on scout duty, the rest of you blaze down after a thirty count. If you hold the Pantheon true do your praying now. Chomp and stomp in twenty counts."

Koos swiveled on his metal leg and clomped back up the stairs, the hull exploding into a roared chant, "Chomp and stomp. Chomp and stomp."

Hayde hissed, barely audible over the chant, "What in the Hollow Moon did you see Vik?"

Vik offered a smile that barely touched her cheeks much less her eyes. "I already told you."

Hayde rolled his eyes. "Fine. Just remember what I taught you. Don't-"

Vik interrupted him in an annoyed tone, "Don't chomp til I'm about to stomp, and kill anything that moves."

The rush of wind from the bottom of the hull opening stopped Hayde from retorting. He squinted against the salt flavored gust and stared into the maelstrom below. A kaleidoscope of lightning and roiling clouds stared back at him. He glanced back at Vik to say one last word of advice, but she was jumping into the abyss, feet straight down, shotgun nestled across her chest.

"Well, shit," Hayde said and jumped.
 
Last edited:

NajaNoir

Senior Member
I don't have the keen critique eye that some of the others on this site have. So I'll give my opinion strictly as a reader.

All in all, this was good. I'll admit to being a little disappointed that Hayde would refer (in his thoughts) to his fellow soldiers as "idiots." They're going to war. Not to say that many wouldn't be idiots, but there's an unspeakable bond between people who go into a war together. Imo

I appreciate when the end isn't spelled out for the reader. I'm not sure if there is more to come later or this is it, either way I'm left wondering what's going to happen. I like that.

If there is more to come, I'd like to know more about Vik. Was an interesting character.
 
Last edited:

Just_Phil

Senior Member
I don't have the keen critique eye that some of the others on this site have. So I'll give my opinion strictly as a reader.

All in all, this was good. I'll admit to being a little disappointed that Hayde would refer (in his thoughts) to his fellow soldiers as "idiots." They're going to war. Not to say that many wouldn't be idiots, but there's an unspeakable bond between people who go into a war together. Imo

I appreciate when the end isn't spelled out for the reader. I'm not sure if there is more to come later or this is it, either way I'm left wondering what's going to happen. I like that.

If there is more to come, I'd like to know more about Vik. Was an interesting character.
Hey, thanks for the reply and feedback. Yeah, it's part of a larger work I'm attempting to write but I saw the section for "chapters" after I had already posted lol.

Yeah, Hayde comes off poorly in that exchange. I should have put some reflection in there to note he is basically a mercenary of sorts.

Now Vik, I started writing from Vik's pov and I got to say, I'm digging it. So I think I'm going to concentrate on her for the beginning and rewind a few months.

Thanks for all your input, hopefully I can return the favor
 

NajaNoir

Senior Member
Hey, thanks for the reply and feedback. Yeah, it's part of a larger work I'm attempting to write but I saw the section for "chapters" after I had already posted lol.

Yeah, Hayde comes off poorly in that exchange. I should have put some reflection in there to note he is basically a mercenary of sorts.

Now Vik, I started writing from Vik's pov and I got to say, I'm digging it. So I think I'm going to concentrate on her for the beginning and rewind a few months.

Thanks for all your input, hopefully I can return the favor

You're welcome.

I'm not sure if you are aware, but once you contribute a certain amount, the Workshops will open up.

You can critique there to heart's desire. Many of us, including myself, choose to put stuff there instead of showcase, because they are not open to the public. Most places, if you're looking to sell work later, consider them already published if they are out in public eye.

Also,
Hayde didn't come off as poorly as you might think. I tend to show a little bias when it comes to Military behavior is all. And, as a mercenary it makes more sense that he'd be thinking along those lines.

I am rooting and hoping for his survival.
 
Last edited:

Just_Phil

Senior Member
You're welcome.

I'm not sure if you are aware, but once you contribute a certain amount, the Workshops will open up.

You can critique there to heart's desire. Many of us, including myself, choose to put stuff there instead of showcase, because they are not open to the public. Most places, if you're looking to sell work later, consider them already published if they are out in public eye.

Also,
Hayde didn't come off as poorly as you might think. I tend to show a little bias when it comes to Military behavior is all. And, as a mercenary it makes more sense that he'd be thinking along those lines.

I am rooting and hoping for his survival.
Okay, awesome. Yeah, I believe it is 10 meaningful posts. I got at least one so far, though it was on poetry so poor at best lol.

Thanks again for all the advice and hopefully I will be seeing you and the others around in the Workshop areas soon enough. Now, to wait like a spider for someone to post a story to critique...
 
Top