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General thoughts on a conversation I put together? Does it flow well? (1 Viewer)

LDP Paul

Member
“I only want to see what’s genuine.” She said flatly. I stared at her for a moment before responding.

“And how would you like it presented to you? You say that as if you’ve never seen what’s genuine. As if it isn’t present right now. How would you like to see it?”

She glanced my way then returned her attention to the window.

“It isn’t presented. It just exists. It exists and is hidden. I want the curtains pulled back. I want to let the sunlight in.”

“That doesn’t sound like a presentation to you? Besides, sunlight? What if it’s dark out?”

“Then I want to let that in too.”

I let an annoyed puff of air out through my nose.

“You know you’re being edgy right? What you’re talking about, what you want, its already there. You’re intentionally ignoring authenticity - what’s genuine - just so you can paste your own definition over it.” I kept my voice down. I didn’t sound angry.

“You mention definitions, how do you define edgy? What makes being edgy any less valid than how you are?”

“That. That’s edgy. And here, I’ll even put it to words only cause I know you’ll annoyingly question my definition by example.” I took a dramatic breath in, brought my eyebrows up as high as I could, and gave her a moment’s worth of jazz-hands.

“Being edgy is when someone pretends to understand something, doesn’t understand it, and presents their own reality as evidence against the thing they don’t actually understand. Being edgy is being wrong by choice. Being edgy is lying to yourself by saying things like people think the world is this way…

I held an imaginary box over one side of the table.

“…when it actually is this way…

I slid the box to the middle.

“…and this is the way that it should be.

I brought the box to the edge of the table and mimed it falling off.

“Oh? I guess I should apologize for needlessly trying to right the world’s wrongs then huh?”

“You should start by recognizing what’s actually wrong before talking about authenticity. You’re ignoring the problem.”

“That’s rich. Really rich coming from you Jon.” She finally turned to face me. She was more angry than last time. “How was your date last week? How old was this one? Did she put out?”

There was a split second where my jaw started to drop but I caught myself. There was no way she knew for sure. I had been as careful as ever, probably more so than usual.

“Sarah, I don’t know what you’re…”

She cut me off.

“Sign the fucking papers Jon.”
 

Taylor

Staff member
Global Moderator
It does flow well. Sounds like a very intellectual, well-educated couple. His split-second reaction is priceless.

I wasn't sure about the "box", although I liked it. But I had to read it a couple of times to visualize it.

One tiny typo: it's already there.

Nice piece of writing. Is it part of a bigger piece?
 

Matchu

Senior Member
Hi @LDP Paul,

Plenty of imprecision and pronouns up top end, not much for me to grab a handle as to what they are talking about, or where.

Physical description dominates extract:

I let an annoyed puff of air out through my nose

Jazz hands

/stared before/glanced then


- and so forth.

...

While the subject, the content re: ‘edgy’ lacks sense & bite.

If purpose was to counterpose the trite of their hatred against an unreliable narrator’s sense of his every twitch and importance - then the section could be developed along those lines.

Otherwise, I’d prefer something more tangible - in the language - but for all I know this couple might have been obsessing with ‘authenticity’ & ‘genuine’ for the last 200 pages...

...so

if it was my draft I’d thump in a couple of objects to support the concepts: ‘like this lampshade in my fist, this is genuine,’ she said.

Sprinkle in some sense of the room...

Edit out the nose blows and robotic movement sequences

...and link toward your rather more beautiful prose in the end third.
 

Terra

Senior Member
It’s interesting how easily I picked up on what the couple is talking about - or at least I think I did;) maybe because it’s the type of conversation I’ve had, meaning two people trying to communicate with each other, and not understanding the other, nor being understood ... almost as if they are speaking two different languages About the same thing.

I’m in agreement with Matchu about thumping in a couple of objects to solidify the conversation.
 

Greyson

Senior Member
i think the flow is there for certain. one thing you might try doing is shifting around where you put pauses in the speaking. having sarah turn away can come a little later and help the conversation have more content before my brain switches to visual mode.

the characters also present well. i think matchu is right that some more concrete context to the argument could be good. if this is a larger piece i could imagine it is elsewhere. if this is a shorter scene, i think adding a bit more concrete evidence of what's happening earlier on would be useful. we find out this seems to be around divorce and john seeing other people, but only at the end. this is fine if there is story before, but if not, grounding the argument is essential for the reader to get to grips quickly.

all that said, i think you're pretty good on flow. There are some rough spots such as:

“Being edgy is when someone pretends to understand something, doesn’t understand it, and presents their own reality as evidence against the thing they don’t actually understand. Being edgy is being wrong by choice. Being edgy is lying to yourself by saying things like people think the world is this way…
but that's about it.
 
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