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Four by Four (1 Viewer)

Torus34

Senior Member
[First poem post on this site.]

There are days when I struggle to deal with some relatively serious stuff, cramming a partially-glimpsed angst into the strait-jacket of a poetry form. Then there are days when the sun shines, the flowers bloom, and the birds sing. On those latter days I just want to play with words. Here's an example of what results:

Four by Four.

Let’s talk quatrains. First thing to know
Is that each verse has four lines. So,
When we are working in this style,
We’re thinking four (4) all the while.

With that all set, let’s count the beat.
There’s four? Te-tra-meter. That’s neat!
(If five, we’d call it ‘pen-ta-‘, no?
For three, ‘tri-’ is the way to go.)

Then there’s the rhyme scheme: it can be
AABB, ABAC,
ABAB, ABBA,
(and yes, this can go on all day.)

So there it is: a basic way
To structure what you want to say.
(Quatrains are often where it’s at.
They’re all you’ll find in ‘Rubaiyat’.)

Criticism, btw, is much preferred by this old geezer to 'likes'. I've never learned a darned thing worth while from a like.

Regards to all.

Jim
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
A bit trite with content, the technical aspects temper it a bit, but as a reader poems about writing always seem to come across as Conjunction Junction gone off the rails. It becomes a horse beaten to glue because a writer doesn't know what to writer about.

This comes across as a sterotyped, overwrought rhyme many assume are required in classic forms. Doing rhyme well, with content that is unique is a lot tougher than it looks, so it becomes a bit of a joke. The default: 'Oh, it rhymes I'll make it funny.' As a reader, having seen numerous examples of similar tropes, it almost never works because the rhyme is there solely for the sake of form and not an integrated part of the piece.

Something that might temper the almost manic rhyme might be to incorporate a little bit of poem history into the piece.

e.g.

Acccording to proper Mrs.Shin
that book that odd ruby hat
was vulgar, and full of sin
but was in the form of rubaiyat...

In this instance it is the Rubaiyat of Ohmar Khayyam.

Another, and probably the best known, rubaiyat (at least in the US) is Frost's Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening.

Look more to the historied examples of the form and less toward School House Rock and there is decent material here. It just needs more acid and heat to balance the cloying sing-song.
 
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Torus34

Senior Member
A bit trite with content, the technical aspects temper it a bit, but as a reader poems about writing always seem to come across as Conjunction Junction gone of the rails. It becomes a horse beaten to glue because a writer doesn't know what to writer about.

This comes across as a sterotyped, overwrought rhyme many assume are required in classic forms. Doing rhyme well, with content that is unique is a lot tougher than it looks, so it becomes a bit of a joke. The default: 'Oh, it rhymes I'll make it funny.' As a reader, having seen numerous examples of similar tropes, it almost never works because the rhyme is there solely for the sake of form and not an integrated part of the piece.

Something that might temper the almost manic rhyme might be to incorporate a little bit of poem history into the piece.

e.g.

Acccording to proper Mrs.Shin
that book that odd ruby hat
was vulgar, and full of sin
but was in the form of rubaiyat...

Another and probably the best well known rubaiyat is Frost's Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening.

Look more to the historied examples of the form and less toward School House Rock and there is decent material here. It just needs more acid and heat to balance the cloying sing-song.

Hi!

Thanks for the input! It's worth a thousand 'like's'. T'will take a bit for me to digest it all.

Best to you and yours!

j
 

Foxee

Patron
Patron
When it comes to poetry I dabble so I'm hardly a teacher. I enjoyed the poem's gently rollicking tone and the expression of facts. For me it worked though you've got to allow for my lack of technical knowledge.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I agree with DarKKin.... This poem was a tiny bit clever, but was not exciting to read... Poetry is about expressing yourself... write about things that matter to you, your personal thoughts/emotions/ experiences... and that will NEVER sound contrived...
The use of imagery is vital to creating mood, and imagery was lacking....

I hope to see you offering critique and comments to your fellow poets, this is an excellent way to get to know everyone, and will sharpen your critique skills, and goes a long way to help you receive comments and critique on your work...

I think you have some mad writing skills, just take your time with your work and take some time to give thoughtful critique to others ;)
 
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