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Forever late (2 Viewers)

indigostar

Senior Member
I'm not entirely sure I am following the correct etiquette around here, so please feel free to correct me. I lost my son a few years ago and have been encouraged to write about it by my therapist. I welcome all your comments and critiques on this short poem, inspired by loss and grief.

You were never on time
But now, forever "the late"
My heart requires repairs
Yet your presence lingers
Not always with warmth.
Regrets and guilt
Feathers and songs
Will it ever subside
Or is it now my DNA
Forever seeking answers
As night turns to day
I think of all the words you cannot say
 

Theglasshouse

WF Veterans
I know mystery is a good way to get inspired. The mysteries of life can be excellent material even it hurts and is autobiographical. Hinting at the mysteries of life can be intriguing. For me, the poem can sometimes be an autobiographical form. In fact, the mysteries of life are the subject of autobiographies. We chronicle events in life that are commonplace and that we share in common. If you decide to write in the tradition of the autobiographical I recommend reading other biographies if you can borrow them from the library. Preferably with a father and son relationship. It should act as a refresher and help you recall memories shared. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed this poem. Because of the reasons, it is based on yourself which is what I have been hinting at. I can't provide the valuable comments of a mentor but I hope this helps you for future poems and to draw on the well of inspiration. Exploring the common day experiences is a worthy pursuit. I read the mystery of a son's mother in her last days. How he was writing an autobiography and there was a mystery about why she never read his books. She encouraged and wanted him to be a writer, however. That's an example of the commonplace. It is for example when someone is sick and dying. We all experience this or we hear from it from other people.
 
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WhitakerRStanton

Senior Member
I'm not entirely sure I am following the correct etiquette around here, so please feel free to correct me. I lost my son a few years ago and have been encouraged to write about it by my therapist. I welcome all your comments and critiques on this short poem, inspired by loss and grief. - I would lose this altogether. By saying this first you are telling us what it's about. Like you have no faith in the poem. If this must be said put it at the end. If the poem doesn't need you telling us this all the better. If you feel you have to let us know put it at the end.

You were never on time - I really like this as an opening.

But now, forever "the late" - I sometimes make problems for myself adding punctuation in poetry. I would go with simply "but now forever late." Maybe just to me it flows a little better.

My heart requires repairs - Well ma'am that's going to set you back 15 to $1600. I don't care for this line as written. Sounds like something written in an old diary after we got dumped. I think we all had one.

Yet your presence lingers - This line should come directly after line 2.

Not always with warmth.
Regrets and guilt
Feathers and songs
Will it ever subside - A few things here. Tell us about the regrets, the guilt. Using sad and morose words is easy. Show don't tell. Feathers and songs is such a odd line for me. Are you alluding to something I am missing? I am very happy you did not end with a question mark on the last line.

Or is it now my DNA - I would think about losing the word or. Using DNA really makes it stand out. At first I didn't like it but it grew on me. Reading more than once usually helps, so I think I kind of like it now.

Forever seeking answers
As night turns to day - These lines are way to cliche. That also rhymes with day. I'm sure I'm guilty of it as well.

I think of all the words you cannot say - Hmm. How about "I hear the words you will never say." Or something.

These are just my thoughts and suggestions.
 

indigostar

Senior Member
I'm not entirely sure I am following the correct etiquette around here, so please feel free to correct me. I lost my son a few years ago and have been encouraged to write about it by my therapist. I welcome all your comments and critiques on this short poem, inspired by loss and grief. - I would lose this altogether. By saying this first you are telling us what it's about. Like you have no faith in the poem. If this must be said put it at the end. If the poem doesn't need you telling us this all the better. If you feel you have to let us know put it at the end.

You were never on time - I really like this as an opening.

But now, forever "the late" - I sometimes make problems for myself adding punctuation in poetry. I would go with simply "but now forever late." Maybe just to me it flows a little better.

My heart requires repairs - Well ma'am that's going to set you back 15 to $1600. I don't care for this line as written. Sounds like something written in an old diary after we got dumped. I think we all had one.

Yet your presence lingers - This line should come directly after line 2.

Not always with warmth.
Regrets and guilt
Feathers and songs
Will it ever subside - A few things here. Tell us about the regrets, the guilt. Using sad and morose words is easy. Show don't tell. Feathers and songs is such a odd line for me. Are you alluding to something I am missing? I am very happy you did not end with a question mark on the last line.

Or is it now my DNA - I would think about losing the word or. Using DNA really makes it stand out. At first I didn't like it but it grew on me. Reading more than once usually helps, so I think I kind of like it now.

Forever seeking answers
As night turns to day - These lines are way to cliche. That also rhymes with day. I'm sure I'm guilty of it as well.

I think of all the words you cannot say - Hmm. How about "I hear the words you will never say." Or something.

These are just my thoughts and suggestions.
Thank you for your really thorough feedback! I will take all of this on board.

Feathers and songs is such a odd line for me. Are you alluding to something I am missing?
Feathers and songs is a reference to the number of feathers I find lying around his tree, reminding me of him...and all the songs that I hear that remind me of him.
 

TMarie

Senior Member
I don't have the skills to critique poetry, but I do have the skills to understand grief and how writing our memories (good & not-so-good) can help process through the thoughts, feelings, and emotions we experience as the one 'left behind'.

As a reader, there are two lines that caught my attention:

But now, forever "the late" ... I like it! ... it describes exactly how we refer to people who have passed, and ties in nicely with the previous line. It sounds like he was always late, but now adding the word "the" seems to solidify his old behaviour. I'm not sure about the quotation marks though ... have you experimented with italicizing those two words, or maybe capitalizing them? I agree they need to stand out, just not sure if quotation marks does it for me. It's your poem though, so go with what feels good to you when YOU read it.

Or is it now my DNA ... this is a perfect description in my opinion of how it feels when someone we love dies. It's been 6 1/2 years since my husband passed, and while I've continued on, there are times where it feels his death has become an organic part of who I am.

Keep on writing!! and go easy with yourself as you walk this journey.
 
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