Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

First time (1 Viewer)

Suppria

Member
Hi everyone,

I’m very new to this.
Felt like sharing my today’s writings.
Any feedback is appreciated and needed.

English is not my first language.

tnx

1. From zero to hero to zero .

She never truly knew him
He was her beginning.
Fast he became her dream and ambition
A childish obsession, a dark game of possession
She felt the most special in his eyes
His attention was enough to feed her inner lies.


She never truly knew him
He became her present.
Blinded and completely disconnected with herself
Followed him in thoughts and bed
Deeply in love with his emotional greed
Couldn’t discover how to ask for what she needs.


She never truly knew him
He could not be in her future anymore.
Trapped deep inside him, she drowned in her insecurity
Unable to find the truthful words she started faking her maturity
Left with nothing than her ability to mutilate him in her mind
She did exactly that -killed him - trying to leave him behind.


She never truly knew him
Now lost, more than ever
Surrounded by illusions bearing the reflection of her murder,
Unable to accept that he was not the one who hurt her
Completely empty without him, tricked by her own cruelty
Still shuffles empty in search of her lost inner-self beauty


She never truly knew what she killed.
Her beauty got traded for the sense of a truthful embrace
Exchanged by him for a feeling of trust that got her replaced.

 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi everyone,

I’m very new to this.
Felt like sharing my today’s writings.
Any feedback is appreciated and needed.

English is not my first language.

tnx

1. From zero to hero to zero .

She never truly knew him
He was her beginning.
Fast he became her dream and ambition
A childish obsession, a dark game of possession
She felt the most special in his eyes
His attention was enough to feed her inner lies.


She never truly knew him
He became her present.
Blinded and completely disconnected with herself
Followed him in thoughts and bed
Deeply in love with his emotional greed
Couldn’t discover how to ask for what she needs.


She never truly knew him
He could not be in her future anymore.
Trapped deep inside him, she drowned in her insecurity
Unable to find the truthful words she started faking her maturity
Left with nothing than her ability to mutilate him in her mind
She did exactly that -killed him - trying to leave him behind.


She never truly knew him
Now lost, more than ever
Surrounded by illusions bearing the reflection of her murder,
Unable to accept that he was not the one who hurt her
Completely empty without him, tricked by her own cruelty
Still shuffles empty in search of her lost inner-self beauty


She never truly knew what she killed.
Her beauty got traded for the sense of a truthful embrace
Exchanged by him for a feeling of trust that got her replaced.


Hi Suppria,

Welcome. As your first poem, it is nice. We all initially start with what rhymes more, then gradually we learn to pull off without rhymes (for the sake of rhymes) , but definitely a kind of rhythm is always required.
English is not my first language too. Not to worry, you are at right place for right kind of critique and help.

All the very good luck.
Keep reading and writing here.

Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Thank you for sharing, I am always amazed at people able to write poetry in a language that isn’t their first. I struggle with writing in my first language. For me this piece reads like my relationship with poetry, so I like the fact that you’ve presented something that offers multiple readings for the audience.

Following a rhyme scheme is a way to ground the piece, having that set out rules to follow means that you have something to fall back upon. For me there a places where the rhyme seems forced, but for the most part I think this has a nice flow to it.

What I would suggest is going back and looking to see where you force the rhyme at the expense of image and intent. Don’t let a scheme impact the message of the piece and what you’re trying to say as the author.

Looking forward to seeing this grow

Cheers

Syd
 

Phil Istine

WF Veterans
Well done for writing in English - not your first language.
I think you would benefit by freeing yourself from the need to rhyme as that gives a wider choice when looking for the best words.

"Fast he became" doesn't sound quite right in English, but it is poetry so you can probably get away with it. Perhaps "He soon became"?

Maybe you can drop "dark" from line 4, because if a reader makes their own decision that it is dark, it is more powerful for the reader.

Where you write "she started faking her maturity", you might improve the meter with "she began to fake maturity".

It's a decent piece of work. Thanks for sharing it.
 

Suppria

Member
Thank you guys, I really appreciate your feedback, it helps and I’m grateful.
Actually it’s my first time trying to write in rhymes, to be honest, I don’t quite like it
In my practice I’m the slave of structure and in time I got quite addicted to it
but
I’m in a moment when I really need to get away from it.

”force the rhyme at the expense of image and intent,”

So true and beautifully said.
You guys boosted my confidence, many thanks.

I feel to share some of my written thoughts from not too long ago :

Mind Mapping poem.


you wake up falling asleep in the middle of your holy rain
cleansing your mind to accept someone’s lying mirror
trapped in this daily ritual of masochistic charity
your forgotten body is soaking someone’s dead bed.
again baptized in wet sheets and choked by your dry memories
asking
Do you still remember your future ?



The context of this can be seen here :
( actually I need to dig more around here to be able to add a link to the video I made )




happy to be here :)
 
Top