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first 5 chapters of Bloodied Fangs...novel i'm writing (1 Viewer)

Gabriel Patterson

Senior Member
the chapters may be a little short but this is just a rough draft.


It was my birthday. I was finally sixteen, the year was 1894. I could hear my mother call to me, she was telling me to hurry up or I was going to be late for the festival, I was waiting for Joseph, Timothy, and Sara to come over. We were going to the Midsummer Festival. The girl I loved was going to be there. She belonged to someone else who, by the way, could have had me killed by just telling someone to do so, so I couldn't tell her how I felt unless I was suicidal. The man she was with treated her terribly, so I was told, and I could not stand the sight of him. The girl’s name was Krystin Madd.
I was lounging on one of our few, wooden chairs. We didn't have much money. I leapt up, causing the chair to fall over, as I heard three knocks and dashed toward the door. When I opened it I saw a tall-ish boy, around the age of sixteen, with blue eyes and blonde hair. He was the most athletic person in the village and he had every female member of the human race at his beck and call. His name was Joseph Lenton, he was my best friend since we were three, and his grin reached from ear to ear. "You ready to tell her today, Cai?"
"You know she isn't interested in me Joseph," I told him.
"Sure she is. She just doesn't want to admit it."
I just rolled my eyes and said, "Whatever you say, oh powerful, all-seeing Joseph."
We began to walk. “So, where are Joseph and Sara?”
“They couldn’t come. Their father is angry with them.”
“Has he found out about Tim’s beer?”
“Sara tried to cover for him. Their father found out and now they can’t leave the house.”
We walked a little further in silence. I began to try to think of something to say. “So…I heard about Samantha. I wanted to say that I’m so—”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. You don’t know anything about it!” his face was purple with rage. Apparently he was still mad about walking in on her and some other guy having sex. He swung at me, in his rage, but I ducked and his fist only grazed the top of my head.
“Joseph!” I called, “Calm down! For God’s sakes, man, calm down! I wasn’t trying to make you mad.”
The rage was gone as fast as it had appeared when he realized I meant nothing by it when I mentioned Samantha’s name. “I…I’m sorry, Cai. I didn’t mean to strike at you. I was angry.”
“Well I can see that.”
We walked the rest of the way without speaking
When we got there it was dark and we were the first to show up. The people started coming soon after us. Joseph saw a pretty girl and ran off like a lost puppy to follow her. I saw Krystin coming in with Alexander Dente about an hour after Joseph ran off. A little taller than I and, like Joseph, had every woman at the party staring at him in awe as if he were some greek god incarnate. There was one very large difference though: Joseph wasn’t the village’s biggest hellion. I shivered with fury. God, how I hated that man.
She was about my height, around average weight with beautiful, deep brown pools for eyes. Her lips were full and red, she had nice, large, plump breasts, and her hair fell down in waves down her back. Whenever I looked at her I couldn't help but stare. I loved her so much that it was almost…no…it was painful and that pompous fool stood in my way. Alexander was nothing more than a filthy, mangy dog. He had sex with every woman that wasn't with someone and most that were with someone.
I was irritated and drunk. I wasn't thinking straight. I walked over and then all Hell broke loose. "Alexander!" I bellowed when I was about half way there.
He looked at me with that infuriating grin that said he had what I wanted and stoked the flame that was my fury by looking at Krystin with all the lust in the world in his eyes and said, "Are you going to warm my bed tonight, my dear, or am I going to have to go to a whore-house?"
I broke into a sprint, balled up my fist, and channeled all of my rage into one devastating punch. His face would never be the same again.
My fist connected with his open palm. I never knew he could be so fast. I looked over out of the corner of my eye and I saw Krystin’s face. She was terrified. The furnace was stoked ever higher at that sight. I couldn’t believe she would be afraid for that jerk. I decided to kill him.
I began to throw punches and I hit him in the face three times before he grabbed me by the throat and lifted me off my feet. My foot lashed out with a mind of its own. I aimed below his belt but it struck him in the stomach. He let out an audible grunt and I felt a small pang of satisfaction. It was a short lived satisfaction, though, because all of a sudden I felt a blinding pain in my temple. I fell to the ground.
I was in the fetal position on the cold, hard ground. I hated the man even more than ever now. He had shamed me in front of the woman I loved. While I was lying on the ground I felt my arm being raised. I wanted to shoot my limb into his face and maim it beyond recognition.
He whispered in a voice so low and so deep only I could hear, “Now she’ll never love you. In her eyes you’ll always be a monster. She’ll hate you, as will the entire village.”
I couldn’t figure out what he was going on about. I was very popular in the village. I never got the chance to inquire further. I felt something puncture my upraised limb
And then I woke.

Chapter 1

I stared up at my black ceiling, my three-dollar alarm clock blaring away. It was 4:30 in the morning in Nashville, Tennessee. I don't dream anymore. I remember. And that particularly vivid memory has been haunting my sleep for quite some time now. I’ve never stopped loving Krystin. Not even when I was changed by that bastard Alexander. I tried to kill him after what he did to me. I tried various methods and numerous different times but it's hard to kill a one-thousand year old vampire. He was just too strong. The memory was even worse because it was exactly one-hundred-sixteen years after that fateful day.
I decided to shrug off my troubles for the day and go to school. I've been repeating this ritual for my entire life. I go to school starting in the eleventh grade and graduate. So I showered, got dressed, and headed off.
It was raining today. When I reached the doors I thought I saw a familiar, female face through the glass. I figured I was just seeing things and pushed the doors open and walked into the building, ignoring the stares from the girls. I was called handsome before...a long time ago, in a past life...but now I was told I would make gods cry in envy that they couldn't be as handsome as I.
My brown hair had turned pitch black, my green eyes turned emerald, and I was of a more muscular build than before the change. This life has actually been more fun than my human one. I actually made girls cry because I went out with their best friends. But there was only one I fell in love with after I was changed.
Her name was Marie Ox. She turned out to be a werewolf though and the Night Council, the order of vampires that set up the laws, sent assassins after her and she was murdered. She died in my arms and I swore that I would never love anyone again after that. I loved her more than anything. I hunted down every last assassin that was set on her and I killed them all. And then I faced off with the one who had set them on her. It was a glorious battle. It was in 1759 and I actually thought I was strong enough to kill him on my own. I was wrong.
It went on for days, non-stop. We terrified village we battled in. It was quite funny. They were screaming something about demons invading their town. But then a wizard (yes they exist) saw us fighting and thought I was in danger and human, so he chanted some words in Latin and struck the Council Seat with a blast of lightning. The vampire was killed instantly. But unfortunately for the wizard I had not fed in days and was desperate for blood. And I learned something I never knew before: there are vampire wizards.
He fought me off with his vampiric strength and speed and guided me to a wooded land filled with animals for me to hunt. When I had fed we talked and I had a reunion with my old friend, Joseph Stalhart.
I walked by the numerous tables and went to the one I always sat at. And as always, Joseph sat there with that infuriating ear-to-ear grin on his face. He looked at me and said "I found someone you probably forgot."
When I looked at him like he'd finally lost his marbles, he laughed and said, "Caiaus Callaway, re-meet Krystin Madd."
I swear to you my jaw hit the floor. When I looked at where he was pointing. It was a chair right behind him and there she was. As if she had never aged a day in her life. Krystin Madd flashed her beautiful, white, pointy fangs at me and said, "Hello Cai, it's been far too long."
If my jaw could drop any further it would have.

Chapter 2

There she sat, as if she had never aged a day in her life, and in all honesty I don’t think she had. My heart was speeding and I didn't know what to say. She was as beautiful as when I was 16 and fighting Alexander. I never loved her less. And she was sitting right in front of me.
Her raven-black hair flowed down her back and her emerald eyes were filled with warmth. Her plump body just begged to be held. All these years and I thought she was dead. I was at a loss of words. When my vocal cords allowed me to speak I said the most stupid thing you could ever say to the woman you had just been re-introduced to: "I love you," was what left my lips and I never even noticed I had said anything. I was still in shock. Then a sound pierced my heart. She was laughing.
It was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard in my one-hundred-sixteen years, a musical laugh coming from the most beautiful thing on two legs. But it still stung. I had told her how I felt and she laughed at me.
Then I was confused because, still laughing, she stood up, walked over to me, wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a peck on the lips. I let my arms snake their way around her. And she said, "I know you do, I know you did. All these years I thought Alexander killed you that night. I was afraid he would seriously hurt you. After we left the party we went to his bedchamber and he changed me. After the change I ran."
I was at a loss of words. She feared for me? I thought stupid hormones.
And then my trance was broken with the sound of a slamming door and I just knew I wouldn't live to see tomorrow. Tabatha had entered the room.
"Oh. My. God," she began, "Caiaus! What are you doing?"
Krystin's turn, "Cai, would you care to introduce me to your friend?" The look she gave Tabatha was one of pure ice.
At that moment I prayed. For the first time in the entire time I've been a vampire I prayed. I asked the Creator of All Things to send a bolt of lightning to Earth with two words on it: "Caiaus Callaway".
I noticed that my arms were still around Krystin's waist and so I let go of her to avoid even more trouble. I walked in between the two ladies. "Tabby, calm down," I told her, "This is Krystin; she's an old friend of mine. Krystin, this is Tabatha. She's my girlfriend."
Krystin swung her eyes to me and their ice along with them. Why does this always happen when I'm just starting to be happy? I asked myself. "Well, Caiaus, I hope you two are happy." And then she left to punctuate the statement.
I looked over to Tabatha hoping for sympathy. I found none. She cussed me a new one and broke up with me. I felt terrible. I had hurt two people that cared about me today. When I re-met Krystin I decided that my vow never to love again was foolish because I had broken it several times. Childish. I wondered why I felt bad about Tabatha though. I didn't love her. I just dated her so that people wouldn't wonder why I looked so good and had never had a girlfriend.
The doors opened again and in walked a member of the Night Council. Vladimir Lenin. He was known as Mr. Jones here. But he still had the Russian accent. He looked my way and saw the look on my face. "Troubles, Mr. Callaway?"
"No, Vla-Mr. Jones," I said without looking up. I almost called him by his true name, but caught myself thank god.
"Well cheer up, tomorrow is the dance."
"I'm not going."
He just laughed and walked off as if he knew differently. He probably did. I went every year. And with a different girl every year. And he could see into the future. I scowled in his direction. I hated how every vampire except me had powers. But it wasn't like he was a prophet. The last prophet to ever live was Jesus Christ. Vladimir's visions were subject to change. They were based on decisions. Prophets saw the future like a river. It only goes in one direction. Prophets saw it as a tree. Too many branches to see every single leaf.
I heard a voice behind me, "I'm gonna try to go cheer Krystin up, Cai. I'll be in for the whole day today I think."
"Go for it, Joe."
He got up and left. I was alone again. The woman I loved probably thought I was the biggest jerk on two legs...no, on Earth. The bell rang and I headed for first period Chemistry.
I had to drop by my locker first. But after I got my books and everything I started off toward the classroom. It wasn't very large. There were counters along every wall. Joseph was my lab partner, of course. We had a lot of fun in this class. We got to blow things up.
When I got there I stopped at the door as my super-sensitive vampire hearing picked up a conversation on the other side.
"Mrs. Hallaway, could Krystin join me and Caiaus until we get a new student. Since the class's number is odd now she won't have a lab partner."
Joseph's mind-control power that I envied must have come in handy just then because Mrs. Hallaway stated Joseph's mind-slaves' famous saying "Of course. It is as you say."
Man I wish I had that power. And then a terrifying thought hit me. What if Krystin is still mad at me?

Chapter 3

I decided to swallow my fear and I marched into the classroom. I looked up at Joseph and Krystin and managed a smile. I walked over to the table where Joseph and I sat. He and Krystin were headed there too. They head their heads together, talking in voices too low even another vampire, such as me, couldn't hear. But by the way Krystin kept glancing my way I knew they were talking about what happened a few minutes ago.
When we sat down they were continuing their conversation. I laid my head down on the table and pretended to take a nap, hoping they would speak up now that they thought I couldn't hear. Didn't work. They kept speaking in low tones.
I looked up and saw Krystin staring at me, her face red. I looked at her puzzled, wondering why she would look at me like that. Then she spoke to me. "Cai," she began, "I'm sorry that I walked off like that. I let my emotions get in the way of my brain. If you cared for that girl then I'm so—”
I cut her off, "I didn't. She was just a place-holder. I swore I would never fall in love again after Marie died. But that was a foolish vow and I've recanted."
She looked at me funny. "Marie? Who’s Marie?" She inquired, jealousy lacing her voice.
I looked at her and said, "A rotting corpse." Again she looked at me funny, so I elaborated about how I fell in love with the werewolf.
She looked down. "I'm sorry Cai. I really am. The Council never should have done that."
"No, they are not at fault. I fell for her. It was my wrong and mine alone."
Joseph decided to put his two cents in, "Caiaus, don't beat yourself up. There's nothing you could've done. She was a beautiful woman," He turned to Krystin, "Actually she looked a lot like you."
Krystin blushed, which on a vampire looks quite odd. Our skin goes paler when we blush. Our blood flows away from the part of our body that blushes. "Caiaus there's something I've been meaning to tell you anyway."
I looked at her expectantly, because I knew what she was about to say. "Yeah? And that is?"
"I lo—" the teacher cut her off, but I could see everything in Krystin's eyes.
"Students, turn your texts to page 319 and copy the key terms."
Krystin looked at me and mouthed, "After class."
I nodded.

After class Krystin and I had a proper reunion. We shared a passionate kiss and then compared schedules. When I pointed out that we had almost every class together, excluding my second period art. She pointed out that Joseph helped her pick her classes.
I looked over at my best friend and my mouth formed the words, "Thanks, Joe."
He just laughed.
She looked at us odd and shook her head. "Caiaus, there's something you should know."
Now was my turn to give her a funny look. She elaborated.
"Alexander is dead. I killed him last week. His wife thought it was you."
I had heard of his death but didn't think much about it. I secretly wished I could've been the one to kill the jerk but all's fair in war. Then it struck me like a mallet. His wife, the wife of one of the most powerful vampires in history was after me. Weak little me, with no preternatural powers aside from the regular vampiric speed, strength, and endurance.
Joseph probably saw the look on my face. He said, "Aw, don't look so glum, pal. I'll help you kill the slut." He drew his thumb across his throat in a slashing motion.
Krystin and I laughed. Afterwards I headed off to Art class to think of a plan in case his wife actually found me. I don't take too well to other super strong immortal beings hunting me.
After much thinking I figured I had two options: run or fight. I chose the latter.

Chapter 4

In 2nd Period Art I saw a familiar face. Joseph and I have all of our classes together. It was because he needed someone to talk to or else he’d lose his mind out of boredom. And it’s not like he can talk to a non-vampire. They’d think he was a loon.
About two minutes into the class and planning for what might come of an encounter with Alexander’s wife. “Hey Joe,” I whispered, “Can you teach me how to throw a fireball?”
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and chuckled a bit. “Sure thing bud, but there’s something you gotta have first. I’ll tell you after class.”
I nodded, and went back to work. The assignment was quite simple since I’m no good at this class. Today was a free period. I was doodling escape routes on a map of the school in case the confrontation wound up happening here. I hoped to God it wouldn’t.

After class I waited by my locker. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Joe, a blur actually, dash behind me. He always did this. He thought I wouldn’t see. About the time his hand was half-way to my shoulder I caught him off guard. The heel of my palm caught him just under the jaw. He flew a few feet and landed with a crash into the lockers on the other side of the hallway.
It didn’t take long for him to be back on his feet and right in front of me again. “Aight, so you wanna learn how to use magic?”
“Not much,” I replied, “just enough to kill Alexander’s wife.”
“About that, I learned her name.”
I looked at him waiting for him to speak.
“I’ll tell you when Krystin gets here. Anyway, in order to use the arcane forces you must have the ability.”
“Do I?”
“Well I can sense something in you similar to it. It’s not exactly the arcane spark…it actually reminds me of…” he scratched his head searching for an answer. He found one, “It reminds me of a tree.”
I looked at him with a puzzled look. “A tree? You’re saying I remind you of a tree?”
“Not exactly, no. The magic inside you reminds me of a tree. But I think you can use magic.”
“Alright teacher, start teaching,” I said.
So he started teaching me about concentration and how it is vital to a magus’s magic. He told me how magic is not like you see on TV. You don’t need to speak the spell, but most of the magi say it anyway to help them concentrate and for dramatic effect. “If you must speak the spell then use a dead language so that other magi don’t know what spell you’re using.”
“Like Latin?”
“If you want to be a dolt like me then yes.”
“A dolt?”
“Yeah, most magi learn Latin as soon as they learn their first spell because it’s easy to learn. Oh, and another thing, most human sorcerers call themselves magi.”

Krystin never showed up so I figured she went hunting for the rest of the day, so after school I went straight home. I opened the door and slipped inside. When I turned on the light in the living room I got a nasty surprise. Standing in the doorway to my bedroom was a woman. She had long, black hair. It flowed down to her shoulders. She had the body of a Playboy Playmate. She was extremely beautiful in every aspect of the word. I couldn’t help but letting my eyes roam her body.
Her voice was even more beautiful, “Welcome home, handsome.”
When she spoke I was broken out of my trance. I remembered a spell that Joseph taught me earlier. I concentrated on a fireball about the size of an infant’s head. I could feel the heat of the image, I could hear the crackling of the flames, and if I reached out I bet I could feel the heat even better. When I opened my eyes it was floating in midair in front of me. I could feel the link between it and my mind. “Who are you, and what are you doing in my house?”
“Why, Caiaus, is that anyway to speak to the woman that’s going to kill you shortly?”
I looked at her oddly, and she elaborated.
“You killed Alexander. You ticked me off. You are going to die.”
At that point in time I think that if I could, I would have wet myself right there and then. My hands were shaking. I was about to hurl the fireball at her when she laughed and said, “Don’t even think about it. You are a fool to think that you can kill me with just one fireball.” The second after her pretty speech, about a hundred small, thin arms reached out at me from the shadows of my home.
Wonderful, I thought, I’m going to have to burn my house down.
Once I had my eyes closed, though, I heard a crash, a curse, and I opened my eyes. What I saw was a giant, brown tendril reaching out from my floor, stabbing at the woman. I couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing a bracelet. It had letters on it, it was moving too fast for any mortal to be able to read what it said, but with my vampire-enhanced vision I made out the word Clarissa.
Great, now I know her name, I thought to myself. I focused my attention on the tendril and noticed something else. It wasn’t just a tendril. It was a root. A frigging tree was attacking my home. It hit the roof and a piece fell and hit me on the head. Everything went dark and I hit the floor. Dang this is familiar, I thought.

Chapter 5

When I finally came to I was lying on my couch, which didn’t make any sense at all. I got up and went to look around and assess the damage. There was a big, gaping hole in my ceiling but nothing wrong with the floor, which made even less sense. I heard a voice behind me.
“Welcome back to the world of the living, Sleeping Beauty,” said the voice.
I didn’t turn around. Instead I stiffened my back and said, “Who are you? What are you doing in my home?”
“Slow down, young one,” He commanded. “Why don’t you turn around and let me look at your head.”
“Why didn’t you do it when you knocked me out? I still don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here.”
“Because the magic you’re using prevents it. I use a different sort.”
This was starting to irritate me. I turned around, and gathering my focus on a small point in front of him, I let loose a small explosion. Pieces of polished wood went everywhere and he didn’t even flinch.
“Boy, if I were you I wouldn’t do that again,” he warned.
I didn’t listen, “What’ll you do exactly if I do?” I let loose another explosion, this time on his left side.
“I’ll do this.” He raised his arm in front of himself and I was suddenly floating in midair. He swung his arm to his right side and I flew. I hit the wall hit a crash and a grunt.
“Ouch,” I mumbled. As soon as I got up I swung my arm and he flew backwards, into my recliner.
“Boy, don’t make the mistake of making me angry,” he growled.
Sometimes people do stupid things when they’re annoyed. I’m one of those people. I raised my arm and imagining a spiked ball of ice as I did the fireball conjured one and flung it at the man.
It disappeared inches from his face. “So, you can freeze the nitrogen around you. Hmmm who taught you that, boy?”
“That’s none of your business. Now tell me what I want to know, or else.” I readied another ball of ice.
“Or else what? You’ll kill me? Maim me? Boy, face it, you’re not as powerful as you think. It was I, after all, that saved your rear from that sorceress.” I was stunned into silence as he walked up to me. He extended his hand, “Howdy there, my name’s Bill, and I can control the forces of nature.”
For the second time in one day my jaw hit the floor.
“You can do what?”
“Maybe you should sit down, Caiaus,” he laughed and for once in my life I did as I was told. “There are other sorts of magic in this world than the kind you used against Clarissa and I. One is Black Magic. That comes from Hell. Another is White Magic. It comes from Heaven. The third is man’s magic, Grey Magic. And the last is the Earth’s magic, Green Magic.”
“So colorful,” I muttered.
He chuckled at my joke. “Yes I suppose it is. With your magic you can call on the power of the stars. With mine I call on the power of the Mother, or as you people call it, Earth. Don’t look at me like that boy. I know what I’m talking about. I’m not a shaman. There is only one God as far as I’m concerned. I guess it’s time for an analogy: God is your father. Earth is your mother. When God put Adam here he impregnated Earth. He did so again when he put Eve here. He does so again every time a child is born. Every time a person goes to heaven, Earth gives birth. Every time a person goes to Hell, it is a stillborn, dead before it is born.”
“I know what stillborn means,” I interrupted.
“Good, now imagine Lucifer as Earth’s other lover. He gave her an STD. That STD causes defects in her unborn children. The defects cause people to feel lust, greed, jealousy, envy, wrath, pride, and laziness.”
“Wait a minute,” I interrupted again. “The seven deadly sins are caused by an STD?”
“No, it’s an analogy, Boy, pay attention.”
“Stop calling me Boy. I have a name.”
“OK then, Child, shut up and listen,” He ordered. I crossed my arms, glared, and listened. “If the fetuses are too weak, then the defects cause them to be stillborn. And that’s why I call Earth the Mother.”
“Done yet?”
“Good, now explain why you’re in my house.”
“To protect you, dear boy.”
“I do believe there is a saying that goes ‘There is a time and place for everything’ is there not?”
“Yeah,” I replied, readying a fireball, “But now is the time, and this is the place. Now tell me what I want to know or things are going to start smelling like charred flesh.”
He laughed. “I guess so. I’m here to protect you from a demon.”
I looked at him skeptically. “A demon? You’re claiming that there’s a demon that wants my life?”
“No, boy, something more important.”
“It wants your soul.”
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The Backward OX

WF Veterans
I have two comments about the prologue.

When I believe as I begin reading that what I’m about to read is set more than 300 years ago, and then when I read on and find the writer using modern idiom, my first reaction is to throw the book at the wall. If I want to read a story set in the late 17th Century, I don’t want to see words like ‘guy’, ‘hated his guts’,‘jerk, ‘screwed’, etc.

One way around this might be to use some form of literary device, perhaps after the second sentence, that fools the reader into thinking it’s a dream without saying so. I’m not experienced enough to say what that device might be, but someone else could possibly explain it.

The second thing is that although you tell us it is 1694, there is not a single word anywhere in the prologue to show that this is so. It could be any time at all. If you really want the reader to believe it’s 1694 you need some 1694ish details.


Senior Member
Gabriel - You have considerable writing ability. You have an excellent command of language - the ability to make words work together effectively. What you lack is knowledge. With a little effort that lack can be made up and you can move on from rough draft to polished product.

I had the same reaction to the prologue as The Backward Ox. The speech, the details of setting, the very thought processes are wrong for the 17th century. If you are going to write about 1694 you need to read about 1694, and you need to go beyond the superficial summary that's in a history textbook. Here are a couple of sites that will give you some background:

Life In The 17th Century

The Norton Anthology of English Literature: The 17th Century: Topic 1: Overview

The information in these sites can serve as introductions to the era, but if you want to create the 'suspension of disbelief' that is essential in fiction you need to go beyond these and read some of the books that were published in the late 17th and early 18th centuries.

I went ahead and read Chapter 1. By the third paragraph I was thoroughly confused. You present an almost kaleidoscopic image that is very difficult to untangle. A reader of fiction, especially of fantasy, is not interested in solving too many problems at once. After all, the idea of reading fantasy is to escape the toils of the everyday world, and the writer of fantasy needs to open the door to his special world as wide as possible to make entry easy for the reader.

You need to be careful of such mistakes as '...you can freeze the hydrogen around you'. No, he can't, because there is no hydrogen around him. Hydrogen is the most reactive of all the elements, willingly combining on contact with almost anything else. That's one of the boring facts in first form science books, but a knowledge of those boring facts about the real world can be the underpinning for establishing the believability of your fantasy world. Because it is so ractive, there are only trace amounts of free hydrogen in the atmosphere. Let your protagonist freeze nitrogen instead, and I'll believe it.

You have ability. You have ambition. You have enthusiasm. You lack knowledge. That lack is easily made up with a bit of reading and study. My suspicion is that your favourite reading is fantasy literature. Broaden your horizons, Read about history and science and social customs and you will have the knowledge you need to make me believe in the fantasy world you want to create.
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Senior Member

Thank you for sharing your novel with us. I enjoyed reading it. Now just a few things I wanted to touch on. I understand it is a rough draft. However, I suggest you tweak it a bit more before you offer it to others for reading. If you read it out loud to yourself, you will find a few areas where punctuation is in need of correction and there are a few problematic words, if you switched them around it would certainly flow nicer. One of the biggest suggestions, others have already pointed out to you. The date your novel is written in does not flow right with your grammar and use of words. The dialect is very different. English was pure, proper...nothing like it is today. You should really research it further before you continue writing this way you won't have so much editing to do or think of bringing your story more into a later century, only a suggestion! Keep on writing, you certainly enjoying it...one can tell in your writing! Thanks again for sharing!


Senior Member
I agree with Backward Ox. I thought 1694 was a typo and you meant 1964 just by the initial tone of the work, but even that seemed like a reach. I think you have ability and you should stay with this, just work on the semantics.

The Backward OX

WF Veterans
No, because you're still using modern idiom. The usage you've given to words like 'jerk' and 'screwed' didn't exist then. The words existed but not the usage.

The Backward OX

WF Veterans
I've just had an argument with my partner about this. She reckons a person doesn't use archaic language when they dream about a past setting. So maybe you can please yourself.

BUT, my other comment stands. Apart from the date, there isn't a single word that shows the reader it's occurring at a very much past point in time.