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fight scene ( violence. adult themes ) (1 Viewer)

playerslayer666

Senior Member
i'm kinda cheating because this is something i wrote years ago. might need a lot of tweaking. i didn't clean it up at all. don't bother telling me about any grammar mistakes. i know there has to be a few. mainly, i want the plots flaws pointed out. of course it might be hard on the reader to just jump into the fight scenario right off with no knowledge of much else before or after the fight..... but i found this to be the most detailed part of my story so let me know how i did..... oh and a lot of the names i have for people and things are subject to change, as i am bad at naming stuff.

a couple things you might need to know.... to begin this is happening on one side of the planet while there is another protagonist on the other side in the west. in other words, two stories are happening at once.

the hero has the blood of an ancient race in him which, honestly, is not as rare as it sounds. there are still a fair number of his kind remaining. some can tap into their full potential, some can't. his mother had the same blood and was about as powerless as a squirrel, while he at 10 years old has taken down dangerous adult criminals.

a mierro is a fox like spirit guardian and its too complex to get into where they come from..... in fact truth be told i barely know myself. i have only deduced that they have an attraction to those of archaic blood, and can travel between earths mortal realm and it's spiritual counterpart. they do not come from the spirit realm itself ( the equivalent of heaven ). either they are born at the same time as their human counterpart or exist within earth's spirit counterpart and come into existence when their owner is born. ( basically there are two versions of earth. spirit earth and mortal earth )

darkside is the tainted section of earth and cursed bloods were mutated into what they are because of a catastrophic and unnatural event that allowed shadows into the world. everything in the deepest most southern part of earth was completely changed including it's people and even mierro's which then became wolverines ( in this world a wolverine is a werewolf )

anyone with a name is an important character other than that....yeah. i'm bad at naming things so most people are nameless.

also later on in the story the villain justifies what he did to the hero by saying it will make him stronger, but that part isn't in this post.



Jason has just finished untying the poor man who was held captive. The man thanks him and promises to spread the word of his deed. They both watch as the crystal shards rain down and destroy some of the surrounding forest. Jason sacks the thugs severed heads and rushes back to the village “ great. The sky is falling…..i hope mom and dad are ok. “ he looks up at the sky and stops running for just a sec as he observes the sky getting darker and darker. He could easily tell that it was an unnatural darkness and starts running even faster to the village. By the time he gets to it it’s a burning wasteland, completely infested with shadow creatures. It was unlikely that anyone was still here.

He rushes to where his house is and sure enough it too is on fire, just like the rest of town. He drops the bag of severed heads and runs into the burning house hoping to find nothing of interest, but he is shocked by what he sees instead. His fathers room had already caved in and any minute the rest of the house was going to fall too. Most frightening of all he can see his mothers slippers sticking out from behind the couch. He does not even dare to go examine her for a cause of death. The fact that she is laying there as the house burns down around her says it all. Jasons eyes twitch, his hands start shaking, and then finally he snaps and lets out a loud cry.

Fearless hears him and commands his minions “ banish those who remain here. Reunite them with one another, and give them good reason to never return. If they try to resist kidnap the weaker ones and drag them away from town. Their loved ones will follow in an effort to save them. “. Jason slowly walks through the town with his sword drawn. He knows someone started the fire, but why did it have to be today? He looked around a bit more cautiously and immediately saw the answer. Crystal roses were scattered all over the place, and he knows the power that is hidden inside them. Who could have planned for such an event? This part of the world was not known for its knowledge of the stars or space. Aside from the stories about the crystal roses growing on the moon there was not much else out there worth knowing about. This attack was a complex one, and was obviously done by a cursed blood clan member.

Jason was still on his guard. Looking all around him to find the man responsible for this senseless expansionist slaughter until a pack of demons materializes all around him. They throw chains to one another and begin running around in circles, tying Jason up. They begin to drag him away, as was their orders, but Jason is too riled up to be restrained by mere shadows. He crys out in anger and frustration as he attempts to resist the pulling. At first using only brute strength, which was useless against shadows. He tries harder and harder to resist until he hears his meirro’s voice for the first time ever “ remember what you are…remember your mothers strength and your fathers teachings…..and remember, we’re always watching “.

He lashes out and destroys the chains with a holy light that melts the chains away, wards off the shadow creatures and attracts Fearless’s attention. Jason gets to his feet and firmly grips his sword. He didn’t fully understand what he did, but For once he is thankful for the useless pacifist creature that has been stalking him since his birth. He walks on down the road until he feels the unholy presence of Fearless. Jason whirls around with his sword firmly in hand pointing at fearless “ YOU! You did this didn’t you?! DIDN’T YOU?! “ Fearless offers him no answer, and instead talks about Jason to no one in particular “ what a remarkable child. It’s been so long since I’ve seen an eastern archaic, but I’ve never seen one of your kind with western eyes. I assume you are the product of an interracial couple…..what is this world coming to when ones bloodline doesn’t stay pure? “.

Jason answers Fearless by letting out a blast of wind. Fearless does not block, dodge or even flinch from this pathetic attempt to harm him “ the air is getting weaker as my minions consume your home. all forms of casting are useless in the dark side of the world. You should run little boy. You know not what your getting into “. Jason goes berserk “ run to what?! You killed my mother and father, burned down my village and scared off everyone! DIE MONSTER! “ he rushes at Fearless as fast as his little legs can manage and tries to slice him, but Fearless vanishes and is suddenly right behind Jason. Fearless throws a puny shadow ball right at jasons back, knocking Jason to the ground. To Fearless it was nothing more than a warning shot. To Jason, it hurt like hell, but he shows his iron resolve and gets right back up and lets out a strong energy blast, strong enough to warrant Fearless putting up a force field.

The blast is absorbed and while still behind his shield he speaks “ stop trying. Can you not see that it is hopeless? You should flee to the next town with the other villagers while I will still let you. This is my land now “. The more he talks the more angry it makes Jason “ YOUR LAND!? “ he rushes at him and attempts to chop straight through the force field, but his sword bounces against the shield so hard that it sends the sword flying out of his hands. Jason stumbles back a few steps, then suddenly he rushes at Fearless again and begins to slam his fists into his force field. The shield of dark matter surrounding Fearless saps Jasons spiritual energy with each blow, but Jason just takes the pain and tries harder, letting our blasts of wind that become weaker with each attempt. Fearless smiles, admiring Jason’s effort.

Suddenly Jason’s life flashes before his eyes. His early childhood, when his father took him on missions because he was too proud to ask anyone to baby sit him. His days at the dojo, the many styles his father showed, his private “ sparring matches “ against three village elders all at once, and all those times he had to use his martial talents to protect himself from the bullies he was not allowed to hurt. And of course in between his teachings as a fighter and a soldier to the far east his pure hearted mother was always trying to make him into the scholar he was never meant to be. All that training, all that effort, all those years of learning how to fight and kill were for this very moment. Jason’s attacks grow strong again as an aurora of light slowly starts to glow around Jason. The shield around Fearless forms orange glowing eyes and begins yowling at Jason as he continues to attack the shield with all his might. The eerie glowing eyes and haunting howls don’t even phase Jason as his madness completely consumes him. Fearless decides he has had enough and blasts Jason away with a small blast of shadow energy that goes right through the shield, but does not harm it.

The bag of gems that was tied to Jason’s dagger belt comes loose from the blast and hits the ground. Fearless expects the boy to be knocked out cold, but Jason slowly manages to get back to his feet and begins limping towards Fearless. The aura only getting brighter as Jasons strength leaves him. Fearless speaks to no one in particular “ if only he knew how hopless his crusade really is. Even if he could kill me he would have to fight off the order of the black mages. He cannot hope to stand against the whole world “ Fearless’s mierro, who has remained quiet the whole time except for when he yowled at Jason, answers Fearless “ Fearless. You agreed not to kill the boy. Riling him up to the point he kills himself counts. “ Fearless laughs “ can you not see that he is soon to collapse? “ the mierro answers “ yes, and when he does his heart will likely give out. His mierro has showed him how to go past his physical limitations with his spiritual energy. Now with every blow he throws at you it costs him a piece of his life force. As we speak he continues to eat away the last of his strength just to remain standing. Find a way to stop him before his heart gives out “. Fearless does not respond. Still interested in the boy he maintains his focus on Jason.

Meanwhile off in the distance a group of mercenaries watch the epic fight between Fearless and this small child. The mercenary leader scratches his head in confusion “ I don’t get it. I’ve seen Fearless fight once before. Why the heck is he toying with this kid? Surely he has better things to do….unless… “ before he can finish his thought he is interrupted by one of his men “ hey boss. We’re the only ones here. Can we just go now? I mean come on this is suicide without all the others “. The leader scratches his chin “ not just yet…..we cant win, but maybe we can get a reward for rescuing that kid. It might be an easy job too considering Fearless isn’t trying to kill him “. Another mercenary laughs “ really? Wow. What are we a daycare? Its bad enough we got that girl with us. I got a better idea. Lets NOT get killed. Ok? “ the leader shakes his head “ first of all Raven is a special case. If we even try to ditch her Scar will be so pissed at us. Second…..come on seriously you ARE watching this right? Have you even seen a kid do that? We’re rescuing him and likely getting a reward for it……or even better. Maybe he’ll join us. Imagine what he can do when he grows up “ the other mercenary mutters “ oh yeah. Another guy to be afraid of. Just like Scar….brilliant “.


Jason picks up his sword off the ground and slices threw the wind, calling forth a sonic boom in the process which Fearless lets hit him. He is too dumb struck to even be bothered by such pathetic attempts. The air is thin, the grass is dead, the sky black and the village a burning ruin. There is no one here to help him and yet he still fights. Fearless summons a pack of 30 demons surrounding Jason. Jason calls on his inner strength and the power of his fathers enchanted blade. In one swift circular strike he destroys all the demons with a blast of wind so strong that it even moves some of the debris from the burning houses. Fearless sighs sadly as he watches Jason stumble to the ground, only to pick himself back up again Fearless asks “ why……why do you try so hard? “ shadow chains sprout from the ground and wrap around Jason, but the aurora around him only gets brighter as Jason lets out a raging scream, melting the chains. Fearless asks “ why won’t you be contained? “ he summons a puny sized warning shot again and throws it at Jason, but this time Jason throws his sword at it, destroying it. Jason falls to his knees and now supports his weight with his hands. Fearless asks “ why won’t you falter? “ Jason manages to get to his feet one more time “ I can’t….no…I WON’T fail! “.

Fearless sighs “ then I will set you up to fail “ he forms two shadow daggers in his hand and swiftly floats right at Jason and cuts him vertically at both of his eyes. Leaving a scar that starts at his eyes and goes down his cheeks past his nose. Jason screams in pain as his eyes burn. He pushes Fearless back a bit right as he finishes the cut and somehow through the pain he manages to keep his balance. Fearless then attempts his oldest trick on Jason “ you will know true fear “. A black puddle of dark matter forms under jasons feet and sucks him in. Jason blocks his ears as the hundreds of voices of all the people who hate him begin chattering all at the same time. Most of it was inaudible, but the parts he could hear only reminded him of everyone who doubted him at one point in his life, only to envy him years later. Though blind now he can see in this dark and unholy dimension.

He sees an illusion of his entire village as it burns down around him. He watches as his father is slain by Fearless himself. Finally, he snaps when he hears the most familiar voice of all. His mothers dieing scream. For most people this dimension is a mind trick that maddens a person. It normally does only one of two things. Either drives them insane or makes them so scared of Fearless that they run away from him, but Jasons worst fears already came true. Instead of demoralizing him it was taunting him. If he had any other fears to go by it might have worked, but now that Fearless has already taken that which he holds sacred to him there is nothing left that will phase the boy. Jason is now without fear. Just like Fearless. Jason cries out in anger and the whole illusion melts away from the holy aurora around him. The black puddle that consumed Jason now explodes, destroying a patch of earth with it.

Fearless’s eyes widen. It wasn’t the first time an enemy of his managed to break free from his little mind game, but he never expected this small nearly dead child to do it. Fearless speaks in a saddened voice “ just walk away…. I don’t wish to kill another archaic. There are so few as it is “. Jason crawls out of the ditch, panting and grunting in agony. Though blind he still follows the sound of Fearless’s evil low toned voice. Fearless continues to try to convince him to stop “ there are still people from your village who will care for you. Don’t you want to see them again? “. Jason summons every bit of his strength to get to his feet. He pants heavily and clutches his chest. His heart rate now out of control and his breathing shortened. Again Fearless speaks “ you can do so many great things with your gift. Why kill yourself saving that which cannot be saved? “.

Jason lowers his head and unclenches his chest. His hands don’t move and at first it looks as though Jason has lost all hope, but then he clenches his fists again and a small swirl of wind surrounds him. Fearless looks on as this blind helpless child continues to defy him. Jason speaks softly at first “ for my mother…..for my father “. the swirl of wind becomes a full fledged gust of wind as Jasons body glows faintly. He speaks louder “ for the elders, the village and its people “. The gust of wind forms into a small tornado which grows as his rage becomes stronger. Jasons body now glows even brighter then ever. Even his bloodied eye sockets glow blue to show off his ancient archaic eyes. Fearless’s mierro speaks as they both looks on in amazement “ walk away from the boy. I’m sure he’ll pass out on his own if you ditch him but if you stay he’ll keep trying“ but Fearless is too dumbstruck to listen. Jason yells “ for everything that you have taken from me! “ the light around Jason completely consumes him and even begins to suck in the tornado. Fearless’s mierro speaks “…..Fearless? “ Jasons voice can barely be heared through the howling winds, but he screams at the top of his lungs and makes his obvious intentions known “ I’LL KILL YOU!!! “.

the wind and light all converge to one point as Jason pushes the entirety of his strength at Fearless into one brilliant ball of light. Jason’s now lifeless body is flung back a few feet from the blast. Fearless is too bewildered to get out of the way in time. Instead, his mierro jumps out of his body and shields his master from the blast as best as he can. Before his meirro loses too much strength Fearless snaps out of it and channels his energy to his meirro. A second later half of Fearless’s cursed blood friends are right there channeling their strength to their lord. Before long the whole crew that was sent to conquer the crystal garden in Jasons village are right there channeling their energy to Fearless, but the ball of light is still there. It doesn’t shrink in the least bit. Instead of destroying it the meirro puts all his effort into redirecting it to the sky. The meirro lets it go and the ball of energy destroys the tops of a few trees as it is sent outward away from the town. Fortunately it continues skyward, avoiding further destruction.

Fearless looks at Jason as his meirro speaks to him “ a deals a deal…. Revive the boy “. Fearless narrows his eyes at Jason’s body “ if I do that I will weaken myself. We have a war to win “. The meirro chuckles “ silly child. You know for a fact what you are doing will not win the war. It is merely preventing us from losing. Now…..do as I command, or I will leave you “. Fearless sighs angrily “ fine….but he will require medical attention “ Fearless points off in the distance to where the mercenaries are “ whoever they are bring them to me now “.
 

Dave Watson

WF Veterans
Dude, I know you said not to comment on your grammar, but there were so many grammatical faults and dodgy sentence structures here that I found this really difficult to read, so much so that it was a distraction from trying to follow and critique on the plot. You need to sort out the past and present tenses which you don't seem to understand fully. You need to use line breaks when characters speak, making it clear who is saying what, start each new line of dialogue with a capital letter and sort out the punctuation in general, especialy the overuse of ellipsis (...) These kinds of things are the glue and building blocks of writing, and you'll get nowhere until you can do them properly.

Technicalities aside, I think in general you need to get a lot more feeling into the writing and work on building tension and suspense. There cold be some really good action scenes here if you just put a bit more effort into "showing and not telling", to coin a phrase I've learned on here! The first appearance of the minions when they throw chains around Jason just seems to happen really quickly without much detail, and is over in a heartbeat, with no real sense of danger. Jason hearing the voice of his mierro and then lashing out with holy light instead of using brute strength didn't really work for me either, as you go on to say he's ignorant of what he'd just done which to me is kind of a contradiction seeing as his change of tactic seems to have been a conscious decision. Also, "stalking" isn't a good verb for the pacifistic mierro.

I'd also change some of the modern sounding dialogue; the mercenaries talking about "day care", Jason referring to his parents as "mom and dad", and Fearless's mierro saying "a deal's a deal". They just don't sound right.
 

playerslayer666

Senior Member
thanks. this is the sort of thing i need to know.

mostly my problem with my story is i can't make a book out of it when i've always looked at it as an anime. i'm forcing myself to at least get it on paper but it's not suppose to be a book. maybe more like a script.... or something.... i dunno.

thanks for going through the pain of reading it. i should have taken a couple hours out of my day and tried to clean it up a bit.
 

Dave Watson

WF Veterans
No worries dude. If you're serious about trying to turn it into an anime or script, might be worth trying to find a collaborator to work with that can get your ideas down the way you've got them in your head. Good luck with it anyhoo.
 

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