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Femme fatale (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
She appears
from the shadows
unnoticed
Her rich brown eyes
vacant of emotion
dressed from nape
to toe In rich blood red
demanding attention


Devoid of touching
as she undresses me
With poetry and motion
I feared she'd never
arrive never feared
of What she'd do


If looks could kill
I would be dead on arrival


Now you are here
my love What will it be
undress me with
your eyes
Kill me with Poetry

c8bec7d1d702a4be89a87a243560bbf1.jpg

c816c203af3b3f66965106e3ff7b72c2.jpg




Don’t underestimate the allure of darkness
even the purest of hearts are drawn to it
Klaus Mikaelson.




J.h
 
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2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the structure and the pacing of the piece. I like the way in which you give poetry more agency than a form of writing that sense of life embodied in your portrayal of the poem, is a great conceit for the piece.

Where I struggle is again with some of the imagery, if you take the first stanza for instance, you have the chance to twist these well tread tropes and twist them slightly making something novel and new. I think you need to be bolder and play with the delivery, why not have the shadows be the ink that paints this femme fatale’s features, be a little bit more abstract with it.

I don’t want to seem overly critical but I just think there is a concept behind this piece that’s worth pushing.

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the structure and the pacing of the piece. I like the way in which you give poetry more agency than a form of writing that sense of life embodied in your portrayal of the poem, is a great conceit for the piece.

Where I struggle is again with some of the imagery, if you take the first stanza for instance, you have the chance to twist these well tread tropes and twist them slightly making something novel and new. I think you need to be bolder and play with the delivery, why not have the shadows be the ink that paints this femme fatale’s features, be a little bit more abstract with it.

I don’t want to seem overly critical but I just think there is a concept behind this piece that’s worth pushing.

Cheers

Syd

Thank you Syd, I can see what you mean.
I wrote it quickly last night.
And I would like to improve it.
I value your advice and I will only improve
If I have more criticism on my work.
Not overly critical no.
Thank you again.

J.h
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
She came in the night
from the shadows
Her rich brown eyes
vacant of emotion
dressed from nape
to toes In rich blood red


Devoid of touching
as she undresses me
With poetry and motion
I feared she'd never
arrive never feared
of What she'd do


If looks could kill
I would be dead on arrival


Now you are here
my love What will it be
undress me with
your eyes
Kill me with Poetry


Don’t underestimate the allure of darkness
even the purest of hearts are drawn to it
Klaus Mikaelson.


92c47dbda1ffc46503e2d1d416e430ef.jpg


J.h
Hi J
Her rich brown eyes vacant of emotion,
Undress me with your eyes, kill me with your poetry.
Just lovely fantasy

I just loved it.

Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the structure and the pacing of the piece. I like the way in which you give poetry more agency than a form of writing that sense of life embodied in your portrayal of the poem, is a great conceit for the piece.

Where I struggle is again with some of the imagery, if you take the first stanza for instance, you have the chance to twist these well tread tropes and twist them slightly making something novel and new. I think you need to be bolder and play with the delivery, why not have the shadows be the ink that paints this femme fatale’s features, be a little bit more abstract with it.

I don’t want to seem overly critical but I just think there is a concept behind this piece that’s worth pushing.

Cheers

Syd

Hi Syd,

This is actually a small piece of a theme I have in mind for a story.
Without giving too much away, I like the femme fatale, almost like The girl with the dragon tattoo. She leaves a token to be remembered by. It wasn’t just her darkness and beauty or the fact she had the skill to arrive and leave unnoticed.

Mysterious and full of intrigue, leaving tokens everywhere she had been , letters and something else I cannot say.

Thank you, I need this push to show I have more ideas for this small piece of something amazing.

J.h.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Syd,

This is actually a small piece of a theme I have in mind for a story.
Without giving too much away, I like the femme fatale, almost like The girl with the dragon tattoo. She leaves a token to be remembered by. It wasn’t just her darkness and beauty or the fact she had the skill to arrive and leave unnoticed.

Mysterious and full of intrigue, leaving tokens everywhere she had been , letters and something else I cannot say.

Thank you, I need this push to show I have more ideas for this small piece of something amazing.

J.h.

Wow!! I didn't interpret it that way. But that is the beauty of a good poem, it leaves that scope of multiple interpretation to different readers. But your's is a nice emotive story.

Keep writing
Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Wow!! I didn't interpret it that way. But that is the beauty of a good poem, it leaves that scope of multiple interpretation to different readers. But your's is a nice emotive story.

Keep writing
Ritu

Thank you very much Ritu,
Maybe she was the woman in Ink and tears all along , I don’t know.
She came to my dreams, and has always been in my mind. It feels right and it’s keeping the child inside me alive.

Thank you again Ritu and you too.

J.h
 
undress me with
your eyes
kill me with poetry

I love that line. It's so...I don't have the words to describe it...it' so...

It's interesting to me how people can have such a profound effect on you without actually touching you...

Vey mysterious piece...thanks for sharing
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Thank you very much Ritu,
Maybe she was the woman in Ink and tears all along , I don’t know.
She came to my dreams, and has always been in my mind. It feels right and it’s keeping the child inside me alive.

Thank you again Ritu and you too.

J.h

Lovely imagination.
Nice
Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
undress me with
your eyes
kill me with poetry

I love that line. It's so...I don't have the words to describe it...it' so...

It's interesting to me how people can have such a profound effect on you without actually touching you...

Vey mysterious piece...thanks for sharing

Thank you so much, you’re too kind.
Words are so powerful.

It reminds me , you can plant trees or burn whole forests to the ground with your words.

Thank you [emoji4]

J.h
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
She left this origami killer bird , it’s a token usually left by the origami killer.
a16cef81520b69116c031daddbe09b5b.jpg
 
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ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
She left this origami killer bird , it’s a token usually left by the origami killer.
a16cef81520b69116c031daddbe09b5b.jpg

Wow!! You are quite a collector of beautiful memories, and your crush is also quite creative like you. May she meet you again but not emotion vacant this time but full of emotions. That time you need to write different poem.... (forgive me for intruding into that.)

Thanks

Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Wow!! You are quite a collector of beautiful memories, and your crush is also quite creative like you. May she meet you again but not emotion vacant this time but full of emotions. That time you need to write different poem.... (forgive me for intruding into that.)

Thanks

Ritu

Do you know something I don’t [emoji18]
Don’t tell anyone I made this today shhhhhh!
Who is this crush you talk of Ritu?
I’m sure she’s out there somewhere.

Thank you very much [emoji4]

J.h
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Do you know something I don’t [emoji18]
Don’t tell anyone I made this today shhhhhh!
Who is this crush you talk of Ritu?
I’m sure she’s out there somewhere.

Thank you very much [emoji4]

J.h

She is there somewhere thinking about you, making poem on you when you appeared before her emotion vacant. She must have written something on you. Wish she too join writing forum some day and post a poem on you with her full emotions.

Good luck
Ritu
 
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