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Fame: Not Just For Famous People Anymore (1,152) (1 Viewer)

Heid

Senior Member
I wrote this first draft the other day after it had been swimming in me brain for a couple of weeks. So it's still rough at the moment and the ending needs...well...it needs one really. Also, it's a bit of a departure from what I usually write (horror)

See what you make of it so far. Any advice/comments will be much appreciated. Cheers:

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As a hot-blooded male just shy of his mid-twenties, I often feel like I am approaching some sort of early mid-life crisis (a mid-mid-life crisis if you please) and have often tossed and turned in my sleep and head butted several walls battling with myself internally about what I want to do with my existence. One method I happened upon was to spend the better part of the summer holidays avoiding the IQ-zapping device we commonly refer to as television. I vowed to give it up for as long as possible and hope to re-focus my attention span so that I concentrate without being interrupted by bright shiny things.

One snag to this idea was that where my television viewing decreased my Internet usage multiplied like a sexually deprived rapist bunny rabbit and although there is a world of difference between passive and active forms of entertainment, I couldn’t help but feel that my newfound path in life had become somewhat superfluous.

Hello Youtube!

So the point I am trying to make so far is that no matter what kind of stance I had against television it seemed that the World Wide Web (yeah, fuck abbreviations) seemed only too keen to keep me up to date with the goings on in the digital world of the moving pictures. No matter how many porno-er I mean philosophy forums I logged onto there seemed no end to advertisers telling me what to watch that night. One aspect that I tried (and failed) to escape from to such an extent that I sat in an empty field with my ears in my fingers going “la la la” very loud, was the ever popular X-“We’re-compensating-until-the-new-series-of-Big-Brother-comes-back”-Factor. People with eyes and organs will no doubt be familiar with the general concept of the show and love it or hate it we simply cannot escape it’s ‘talent’-seeking sting.

If it isn’t 65-year-old model aeroplane enthusiasts forcing out Frank Sinatra with a wee stain on the front of their trousers, it’s delusional female skank groups hurling abuse at Simon Cowell for saying something to them about their singing that didn’t involve the phrase “Your voices make me want to sustain a pulsating erection.” You can’t help but feel sorry for the judges when it comes to shattering lifelong dreams of so many hopefuls. But then in contrast, I can’t help but punch a small child in the stomach when I see Sharon Osbourne’s manufactured face. You don’t deserve to fuck Ozzy you bitch!

Ahem.

But one contestant seemed to stand out from the remaining flock as having – get this – no talent.

Remember Onka Judge? I wasn’t familiar with him myself but thanks to a helpful hand from both Youtube and my girlfriend (thus explaining my preamble) I was introduced to the kind of stance people seem to have when it comes to choosing a celeb. Be sure not to confuse this with an actual celebrity. “Celeb” is the label given to the plethora of individuals that become household icons for all of 0.2 seconds until Heat magazine decrees them washouts without realising that they were never really…whatever the opposite of washout is.

Anyway, Onka steps up to the stage in front of Simon, Louie and Sharon (or the SS as I call them) and made a claim that he could easily be as good as Michael Jackson. Is that even something we should be admitting to on national television these days? Just to add to this effect they introduced his audition with a slow-motion version of himself walking into the audition room with a Jackson playing on top. My how the illusion was complete! The audition went ahead and, guess what, he didn’t get through; no doubt because Onka was, as some people in the industry say, “steamy vomit”.

As far as I’m concerned that should’ve been the end of his audition. A giant man should have stepped up at this point and removed him from the premises with a large weapon and a great amount of force. Unfortunately my dream did not come to fruition and Onka made one last valiant effort to impress his Gods by breaking the set…and his kneecaps.

End of story for poor old knee-less Onka Judge. Or so it should have been.

See, what gets me about these type of programs is how they are designed to filter out all the crap of the universe and pour out a deliciously fresh and crisp vocal talent whom they can mould to their record labels desire, but inevitably end up making mini-celebs of the ones who failed the first audition. I’m sure there are more examples but for some reason Onka seems to be the one that most people remember.

So let me just backtrack a tad here. Onka became famous for not being able to sing or dance. I will leave that with you for a minute while you soak up that information. Everything you need is in that sentence.

So are you with me? He had no discernable talent to speak of. He could not sing or dance, one of which being extremely vital in a SINGING competition and yet he was invited back during the finale to embarrass himself further with another rendition of Michael Jackson’s Earth Song. Just think about it if you will for a second: he lost the first round, but got to perform in the finals live in front of an audience who were cheering him on. Cheering and clapping for him as though his inability to hold or even sing a note was something to be revered and not something to be frightened of.

Maybe it is just the world we live in were everyone wants people and things and music and all kinds of media to be as up to date as possible. Celebs need to come and go as quickly as a liver for George Best and with programs like the X-Factor that appeal to this idea of turning talent less hopefuls into overnight successes (even for just a few hours) it seems to bring hope to those with, well let’s face it, no agenda. I might be reading too much into it all but maybe the general idea is make those who watch recoil back in their crumb-laden torn couch and rejoice in the knowledge that fame and fortune is for everyone. Call me old fashioned but surely those who have worked hard, have learned or utilised their talent and spent half of their life working towards success, surely they are the ones who have earned the alias “celebrity”. It does seem a shame that there probably are great singer/songwriters out there that curse the talent show phenomenon that reward people who are either beautiful and can sing a Mariah Carey song, or are ugly and can butcher a rendition of “Happy Birthday” and hog up the charts with their precious flavour of the month.
 
F

Firebolt

I enjoyed this essay quite a lot, because I agree with many of the points you make and I laughed at a few of your quirkier phrasings. (The bunny one, for example.)

It made me think of an online photo album I saw just yesterday, detailing Britney Spears' "eventful year." It appalled me; is this really how people want to spend the first day of their new year? Britney Spears isn't famous for her performances on stage anymore; she's famous for her antics on stage, for her inability to parent her children, and her general inefficacy at life.

So, I'd say I share your frustration with the tendancy of our society (our media? I'm not sure which) to celebrate (the root of celebrity) those who can't, instead of those who can.
 

Heid

Senior Member
Cheers for the response. Yeah this came about when I was half-watching a program about X-Factor and it's "best moments" or something like that. And on it they showed Onkar Judge performing at a nightclub or something with a lot of people cheering him on whilst he butchered that Jackson song. And it made me think about why he's become famous when he clearly has no talent whatsoever. To which he admitted anyway.
 

Intel

Senior Member
Did you say 'sexually deprived rapist bunny rabbit' because it sounds less gruesome than a human rapist?
 

Heid

Senior Member
Did you say 'sexually deprived rapist bunny rabbit' because it sounds less gruesome than a human rapist?

Well it is said that bunny rabbits multiply at a fast rate anyway. So the idea of a sexually deprived rapist bunny overstates that fact. :)
 
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