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Evaluate my descriptive essay please, thanks (1 Viewer)

F

furia

This is a descriptive essay I wrote for my english class. I must say, I was very disappointed with the mark I recieved on this. I thought it was way better.

When you read this essay, do not google up pictures of what I'm trying to describe. Pretend as if you were reading this for the first time

Marking rubic - halves are allowed

/4 - Overall use of language - interesting, clear, concise, word choice, varieties, support
/4 - Grammer, spelling, error-free
/4 - Style - good word choice, varieties, parallelism, consistency, flow
/4 - Support - good detail, strong introduction and conclusion

Keep in mind that

14/16 is 88%- slightly above A which is 86%
12/16 is 75%- slightly above B which is 73%
11/ 16 is 69% - slightly above C+ which is 67%
60% is a C
or

Give it an overal mark out of 24 but keep in mind of the mark boundaries
Thanks, I really appreciate it




The Taiwanese Puppet

The Taiwanese culture, alike any other cultures are all unique in different ways. The taste of the delicious food, sound of the language, and the glowing beauty of art are all amazing in their own way. The entertainment has its unmatched performances. The Taiwanese puppet show is one of the most outstanding of the entertainment I had ever seen. It has been around for many centuries, and has been found to be a very interesting aspect of this culture. This great performances has opened the eyes of many, as they look back to something so long ago, has brought up a little life in each of us. I first encountered it during a cultural festival when sounds and cheers of amazement caught my attention. My instincts headed for the direction, for I had never seen something so amazing. The Taiwanese puppet show has brought me closer to my own culture.

First of all, I watched the puppets perform a show. Applauses that came from the audience drew my attention. I headed towards the stage area in welcome of a crowded lively activity. The stage and the puppets were nearly visible, nothing much but colourful vague objects upon the background. With a little scrutiny, the puppets became observable. Background music filled the air with excitement. When all kinds of stunts were performed, it drew the audience an inch closer to view. Dances, back flips, and other amazing stunts filled the small stage, leaving no room for even a second of stillness. The flawless animations were nearly as perfect as the imitation of the human movements. Shortly, one of the actors demonstrated a back flip with his puppet. The figure was thrown up with a backwards spinning momentum, then finished with a clear catch. Another actor demonstrated an amazing act of spinning a dish using a pole held solely by the puppet’s hand. The figure aimed the pole on the back of the dish, with an ounce of strength, it was lifted up. The dish stood slanted on the pole. With a little momentum, the dish was gradually lifted, and originated its center on the pole when it spun and spun. At last, the performance finished. Everyone clapped stunningly, and I was amazed by what I had just seen for the first time in my entire life.

After the show, I noticed that the puppets were displayed in a gallery itself. Slowly, I pondered around, and decided to slip one on my hand. As it was donned carefully, the fabric that wore the puppet gave a sensation that ranged from soft to silky. The puppet suited my hand and positioned itself like second nature. My thumb took control of the left hand of the puppet, my ring finger naturally took the right, while my index finger maneuvered the head. The head and hands were made out of thin plastic that was smooth and adaptable, like a piece of perfectly polished wood. Hands were painted carefully and the fingers could be easily discerned. Movements swayed the loose material from left to right, wind or no wind. Presently, I attempted to maneuver the puppet in a way that imitated the human animation of walking. The puppet awkwardly strode its left leg along the table, forgetting its right leg behind. It was difficult, as it takes a good coordination to realistically maneuver the figure. The pride felt from just holding the piece of artwork surged inside of me. During this moment, I experienced the genuine pride of the puppet actors when they introduced this to the infinite many.

While I held it, I closely examined the puppet, and had seen how it enriched with detail it was. A loose dress covered the body of the puppet. Abstract embroideries of trees, flowers, leaves and grass brightly diffused the piece of clothing from head to toe. The puppet’s allure silk was then embraced by a beautiful long waist strap carefully edged with a bright golden colour. Beyond that, light feathers surrounded parts of the material and appeared in glossy white, tawny yellow, or colours that appealed to the eyes. It smoothly outlined the openings of the sleeves, while the material reflected a unique contrast from the light. Bounded on the puppet’s neck was an elaborate scarf filled with patches and textures of floral layout. I then brought the figure down, and decided to examine the faces of the other artwork. Most of them were coloured palely with a hint of blush, and others were painted blood-red to resemble their fortitude. Facial expressions were as friendly as a simple smile, or as tough as a daunting look that certainly implied their characteristics. The eyebrows ranged from thick to sparse, short or long with a dark colour, while the sable eyes were surrounded with dusky shadings that enhanced their expression. Of all the puppets, most of them had long dark hair. Above, they were brushed back from the forehead, stood upright, and tied with a yellow band. All the various decorations and colours that blended together have shown how great a piece of artwork the puppet was itself.

The Taiwanese puppet show has brought me closer to my own culture. I was fascinated by it the first time I encountered it. The show was filled with wonderful stunts and wild performances. The intricate clothing of the puppet filled with bright colours and abstract embroidery. They have added a big part to the show itself. Sounds and music played throughout the show have complimented this aspect of history. It has adorned the level of interest. When I had put myself into the shoes of the puppet actors and acknowledged that, with this act, I can bring someone’s heart closer to a culture gave me greatest sympathy. However, it is all together that constitutes to one of the greatest part of the entertainment in this culture. It deeply brings out how amazing a culture can be when it is explored.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
sorry, but i'm not going to try to decipher or follow all those instructions re marking... what i will do is show you why you didn't get as high a mark as you thought you deserved for this piece:

The Taiwanese culture, alike [makes no sense... did you mean 'unlike' or 'like'?] any other cultures [should be singular... and repeating word wasn't necessary, isn't good writing] are all [refers to 'taiwanese culture' so must also be singular 'is'] unique in different ways.[unclear what is unique compared to what, due to goofs noted] The taste of the delicious food, sound of the language, and the glowing beauty of art are all amazing in their own way.[the 'taiwanese' culture, or 'all others'?] The entertainment has its unmatched performances.[meaningless] The Taiwanese puppet show is one of the most outstanding of the entertainment I had ever seen.[again, conflict in number, plus tense confusion, renders this meaningless] It has been around for many centuries, and has been found to be a very interesting aspect of this culture. [found by whom, interesting to whom?] This great performances has [more number confusion]opened the eyes of many,[to what?] as they look back to something [what?] so long ago, has brought up a little life in each of us.[whole sentence terminally confused and meaningless] I first encountered it during a cultural festival when sounds and cheers of amazement caught my attention. My instincts headed for the direction, [instincts can't go anywhere... and the expression is 'headed in the direction'... not 'for'] for I had never seen something [should be 'anything'] so amazing. The Taiwanese puppet show has brought me closer to my own culture.

...it's pretty clear that not being completely fluent in english is a major part of your problem, so don't feel too badly... but the whole piece is full of the same kind of mistakes and muddled wording, which should make more sense of the grade you got on it... i hope you'll at least feel proud of yourself for doing as well as you did do, in a language that is not your native tongue...

hope this helps... love and hugs, maia
 
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