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Envy (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
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J.h
 
Last edited:

escorial

WF Veterans
It is was it is a loved up poem...a poem that echoes back from the beginning of poetry writing and is relevent today...
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
For me.... this poem is too Purple....

Ooo, about the presentation of your poems... your poem IS the imagery, it is the photo, it is the painting...to post your poem with a picture is.... detrimental to your work and takes AWAY from your words... it really cheats your reader, robs them of the opportunity for your word to create their own intimate imageries....

Kinds like Picasso explaining his paintings with little signs and arrows...

You have the passion, you have the drive... unchain your creativity... dig down deep and write from your heart. THAT is the poem that will be unforgettable... THAT is the poem that can make a difference .... you have the skill, step out of your comfort zone ....

of course this is just my opinion, and my comments are meant to inspire you, encourage you and most of all... to challenge you.... ;)
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
For me.... this poem is too Purple....

Ooo, about the presentation of your poems... your poem IS the imagery, it is the photo, it is the painting...to post your poem with a picture is.... detrimental to your work and takes AWAY from your words... it really cheats your reader, robs them of the opportunity for your word to create their own intimate imageries....

Kinds like Picasso explaining his paintings with little signs and arrows...

You have the passion, you have the drive... unchain your creativity... dig down deep and write from your heart. THAT is the poem that will be unforgettable... THAT is the poem that can make a difference .... you have the skill, step out of your comfort zone ....

of course this is just my opinion, and my comments are meant to inspire you, encourage you and most of all... to challenge you.... ;)

Thank You very much, I value your help.
And I understand what you mean too.
I am working on something great.
To be honest this was just a in between one.
Thank You [emoji120]
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I’ve been thinking about this piece and I think for a poem about envy it is too nice. Envy as I was brought up is a horrible sin to commit. I would focus on that as a driving concept. For me there is the image of the sun’s rays on the face and I think that could really be doubled down upon as an image, as the central motif of the piece. Play on this idea of the object and their/its interaction with everyone/everything but the speaker. For me this piece is about envy invading a relationship the speaker loves the object of the piece, but they almost want to jealously keep the object as their own. Focus on that emotion and build upon it.

I can see potential in the piece but I think it needs one or two images and ideas to be really focused on and extrapolated.

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I’ve been thinking about this piece and I think for a poem about envy it is too nice. Envy as I was brought up is a horrible sin to commit. I would focus on that as a driving concept. For me there is the image of the sun’s rays on the face and I think that could really be doubled down upon as an image, as the central motif of the piece. Play on this idea of the object and their/its interaction with everyone/everything but the speaker. For me this piece is about envy invading a relationship the speaker loves the object of the piece, but they almost want to jealously keep the object as their own. Focus on that emotion and build upon it.

I can see potential in the piece but I think it needs one or two images and ideas to be really focused on and extrapolated.

Cheers

Syd

Thank You very much Syd.
I’m reading a lot and taking advice on board.
Thank You [emoji120]
 
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