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Endless Path (1 Viewer)

Bleach1

Member
Endless Path

A path unknown for a man who is lost,

Going this way and that with chaos all around,

Falling and Falling wondering when he will hit the ground,

He realizes it will never end,

So he remains there lost upon the very end.
 

ktee

Senior Member
First off, I like the simpleness of the poem. You haven't overused language and you've kept it simple. You've definitely got the start of a nice piece.

The problem with a poem like this is the topic. It's a big topic; it's life. And many poets have tackled it. There's a poem on the same theme as yours on this forum, and my comments were: "With such topics, as a reader, I would like to see a unique perspective; give me a glimpse into how another person values themselves/life in way that's different to mine." I think this applies to your poem as well. I would suggest you go to that topic (Performance), it's on one of the first few pages of the poetry forum, and check out the comments section.


I'll give some lin-by-line comments now:

Endless Path this title is nice but doesn't seem original to me. As above, wow me as the reader with a fresh perspective

A path unknown for a man who is lost, why is he lost? What path is her on? If it's too generic the reader can't get any deeper than skin-deep. Is there another way of saying that he is lost; more descriptive, more unique?

Going this way and that with chaos all around, again, what chaos? There's infinite types of chaos in the world; what chaos does this man see.

I like "this way and that" and "falling and falling" as it creates rhythm reflecting the message of the words

Falling and Falling [I would put a line break here] wondering when he will hit the ground, this line is nice

He realizes it will never end, What makes him realise this? This symbolises a huge awakening in the human experience so needs more care. This is what readers will relate to - open up a different perspective on that moment when a human sees what his life really is.

Repetition of 'end'. sometimes this can work, but I don't think it does here. With "when he will hit the ground" you'e created a lovely way of effectively saying "end". So do it again here, and then I would leave the last 'end' in.

So he remains there lost upon the very end.
 
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