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East of the Lower (1 Viewer)

Forger5992

Senior Member
Brisk the dawn thereafter a storm
A Manhattan, winter morn.
I stride the streets under scaffold With ease, I am eerily warm...
Consumed entirely by novelty,
Nothing but my steps the norm.
I pass the ships who've entered gothom.
The east side, is from where I am reborn.
.........
(Breathing in)
The freshest of breaths I breath
inside the euphoria raged in me.
Holding a piece of my soul I'd never before grasped,
On cobbled stone, I found my home
Amidst the past.

By Me
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the scene, I like the way in which the reader is invited into the speaker’s journey to feel and see what they do. It makes the piece an immediate experience.

For me, I would again look at the way this piece is structured because it feels to me like you’re missing a flow from line to line, it’s almost missing a lubricant to ease me from scene to scene. I hope that makes sense.

Cheers

Syd
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
Lovely imagery.
L10 breathe*? I think instead of the parenthsis "breathing in" you could simple say "a deep inhale". I also like the subtle rhyming in the first stanza, I feel like you should keep the pattern within the second towards the end.
Keep writing, good job!

-Annie
 
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