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Drowning in darkness [474 words] (1 Viewer)

Noth

Senior Member
I wrote this starting at 2:10ish AM just to see how far I could go with this concept. I appreciate any feedback and critisc- ANYONE WHO DARES CRITISCI-- Sorry. Its 2 am and I wrote a story, tired as fudge.

Nothing. For the first time his eyes saw nothing but darkness all around him, his whole body felt submerged and heavy as the feeling of slowly sinking ran through his mind. He jerked and shook his arms but the more he resisted, the faster he could feel himself being pulled in. He held his breath, scared that he would soon be met with water instead of air. His eyes opened slowly and in front of him was a little boy sinking in the same darkness he was drowning on. Weren’t his eyes open before? He yelled, kicked, trashed but nothing could be done as the kid seemed to sink faster and faster and finally disappearing in the vast engulfing darkness. The kid was the first of many, he could see their silhouettes all around him. From any age to gender, no matter what race or face, bodies sank all around him. He yelled for any of them to hear, to look. . . to even notice him before the darkness engulfs him completely. But all of them sank and eventually left him. He felt the coldness of the depth, how long had he been sinking? Seconds? Minutes? Decades? There was no sense of time here, he knew from the blank faces around him that this was eternity, an everlasting darkness. He pursed his lips together and attempted to whistle but only air came out. Even in his head there were no sounds, music for him was long gone, like a distant memory you can tell was there but cannot recall, for it is lost for every lone soul in this darkness. He could not remember who he was, nor why or how he had stumbled into this pit. Acceptance came to him long ago, or was it 5 minutes ago? No matter. He was beginning to fall faster, maybe sink faster? As he submerged more and more he noticed again the boy of the beginning. This time his eyes were open, he seemed calm, peaceful even. The boy wasn’t sinking anymore, he seemed to be saying something but his lips moved too fast and he was engulfed below him. A bright light flashed below and the boy’s silhouette is gone. The boy is gone. He could feel himself being pulled in more, his end was coming and no light was going to receive him. For the first time since the beginning of eternity he could see, a dim black current so obscure that any silhouette pulled into it was lost. He looked around, no one but him was next. Warmth touched his skin for the first time as the current swept through him. He began to see nothing, not even the silhouettes he had become accustomed to see. But in his mind there was nothing but peace. Sweet bliss of release.
 

EricStevenJ.

Senior Member
I wrote this starting at 2:10ish AM just to see how far I could go with this concept. I appreciate any feedback and critisc- ANYONE WHO DARES CRITISCI-- Sorry. Its 2 am and I wrote a story, tired as fudge.

Nothing. For the first time his eyes saw nothing but darkness all around him
; his whole body felt submerged and heavy as the feeling of slowly sinking ran through his mind. He jerked and shook his arms but the more he resisted, the faster he could feel himself being pulled in. He held his breath, scared that he would soon be met with water instead of air. His eyes opened slowly and in front of him was a little boy sinking in the same darkness he was drowning on. Weren’t his eyes open before? He yelled, kicked, trashed but nothing could be done as the kid seemed to sink faster and faster and finally disappearing in the vast engulfing darkness. The kid was the first of many, he could see their silhouettes all around him. From any age to gender, no matter what race or face, bodies sank all around him. He yelled for any of them to hear, to look. . . to even notice him before the darkness engulfs him completely. But all of them sank and eventually left him. He felt the coldness of the depth, how long had he been sinking? Seconds? Minutes? Decades? There was no sense of time here, he knew from the blank faces around him that this was eternity, an everlasting darkness. He pursed his lips together and attempted to whistle but only air came out. Even in his head there were no sounds, music for him was long gone, like a distant memory you can tell was there but cannot recall, for it is lost for every lone soul in this darkness. He could not remember who he was, nor why or how he had stumbled into this pit. Acceptance came to him long ago, or was it 5 minutes ago? No matter. He was beginning to fall faster, maybe sink faster? As he submerged more and more he noticed again the boy of the beginning. This time his eyes were open, he seemed calm, peaceful even. The boy wasn’t sinking anymore, he seemed to be saying something but his lips moved too fast and he was engulfed below him. A bright light flashed below and the boy’s silhouette is gone. The boy is gone. He could feel himself being pulled in more, his end was coming and no light was going to receive him. For the first time since the beginning of eternity he could see, a dim black current so obscure that any silhouette pulled into it was lost. He looked around, no one but him was next. Warmth touched his skin for the first time as the current swept through him. He began to see nothing, not even the silhouettes he had become accustomed to see. But in his mind there was nothing but peace. Sweet bliss of release.

Hello Noth,

Above is your short, quoted; below are my edits. There didn't seem to be a way to make them obvious, so I highlighted in green.

Nothing. For the first time his eyes saw nothing but darkness all around him; his whole body felt submerged and heavy as the feeling of slowly sinking ran through his mind. He jerked and shook his arms, but the more he resisted, the faster he could feel himself being pulled in. He held his breath, scared that he would soon be met with water instead of air. His eyes opened slowly, and, in front of him, he saw a little boy sinking in the same darkness he was drowning in. Were his eyes open before? He yelled, kicked, and thrashed, but nothing could be done as the kid seemed to sink faster and faster, finally disappearing in the vast, engulfing darkness. The kid was the first of many--he could see their silhouettes all around him. Every age... every gender... no matter what race or face, bodies sank all around him. He yelled for any of them to hear, to look. . . to even notice him before the darkness overtook him completely. But all of them sank and eventually left him. He felt the coldness of the deep; how long had he been sinking? Seconds? Minutes? (decades seems like a jump) Decades? There was no sense of time here; he knew from the blank faces around him that this was eternity--an everlasting darkness. He pursed his lips together and attempted to whistle, but only air came out. Even in his head there were no sounds. Music for him was long gone, like a distant memory you can tell was there... but cannot recall. (not sure what you were aiming for here) for it is lost for every lone soul in this darkness. He could not remember who he was, nor why or how he had stumbled into this pit. Acceptance came to him long ago, or was it 5 minutes ago? No matter. He was beginning to fall faster, maybe sink faster? As he submerged more and more, he noticed the boy again. This time his eyes were open. He seemed calm, peaceful even. The boy wasn’t sinking anymore; he seemed to be saying something, but his lips moved too fast and he was (word choice?)engulfed below him. A bright light flashed below and the boy’s silhouette was gone. The boy was gone. He could feel himself being pulled in more. His end was coming and no light was going to receive him. For the first time since the beginning of eternity he could see... a dim black current so obscure that any silhouette pulled into it was lost. He looked around, no longer with bodies in front of him. Warmth touched his skin for the first time as the current swept through him. He began to see (reference to the first sentence?)nothing, not even the silhouettes he had become accustomed to see. But in his mind there was nothing... except peace--the sweet bliss of release.


I enjoyed this. I could easily envision the imagery--being in an unfamiliar state--seemingly non-existent... not knowing what's happening. I often think of death in these terms, so the narrative sucked me right in. It almost feels like you've created a visual purgatory of sorts, and I'd be curious to see the rest of the picture.
 

TKent

Retired Chief Media Manager
Hey Noth,

This had a real dreamy quality to it that I liked very much. I also liked where the story may be headed but obviously not a lot to work with.

A few thoughts:

- there were quite a few tense changes. You should decide whether you are writing in past or present and go through and make all the verb tenses consistent.

- I loved the imagery and the feeling of sinking with all of the kids around him. However, I think you could cut 1/3 of the words and make it cleaner and more focused. I'd go through and look for things that you've said to set the scene and see if any are repeated and if so, try to combine/cut, etc.

- this was a consistency issue - you say they all sank and left him but a couple of sentences later you mention that there are blank faces around him.

But all of them sank and eventually left him. He felt the coldness of the depth, how long had he been sinking? Seconds? Minutes? Decades? There was no sense of time here, he knew from the blank faces around him that this was eternity,

I think Eric hit many of the grammar issues so I won't touch on any except to say be sure that you go through and catch as many as you can on the next pass.

Hope you keep going with this :)
 

Brian A Seals

Senior Member
Hi Noth; Brian here.

The main criticism I formed while reading is that you ned to check your punctuation. There was a few instances where, instead of a comma, a period should have been placed and a new sentence started. Also: I got the impression that the main character went from panic to peace, in regards to drowning in the darkness and I didn't understand why. Other than that, I felt the language was good.
 

BurntMason84

Senior Member
Done well! Very surreal, which is always hard for me to grasp. But you did so well with describing the feelings and scene, I got it. In short, you know it's good when the reader (aka me) wants to know more! What, who, how, why?!? If I had to really get down to the nitty gritty critique, couldn't have said anything more than Eric or TKent, except for maybe to break it up a bit paragraphs. It was good stuff chief, hope to see more!
 

Frankyette

Senior Member
In general? Great. For 2AM? Freakin fantastic, man.

I agree with some of the other posters on punctuation. I am kind of a comma nazi, though, if that's a thing (it may fall under the esteemed grammar nazi's job description, in which case I apologize for taking thine job).
 

KellInkston

Senior Member
Great, I loved it.

I think the most important piece of criticism I had was the length you took to get some concepts across. I think this is a piece that would greatly benefit from some extremely strong adjectives to better transmit the feeling to the reader. Other than that I felt like it was solid.

Just a question: were we supposed to know what was going on by the end? It's fine if that wasn't the case, just wasn't sure.
 

Acarid

Member
Hey there! in the sentence where you he says " His eyes opened slowly and in front of him was a little boy sinking in the same darkness he was drowning on" I think it would be better to end the sentence with In rather then on
 

musichal

WF Veterans
I agree with most of the remarks above. Personally, I would change "the feeling of slowly sinking ran through his mind" to "the feeling of slowly sinking ran through his body." I'm sure you plan to rewrite this 0200 AM effort, and pare down some of the wording.
 

StephLondon

Senior Member
Great imagery. I got anxious halfway through reading this. I think this would be a great climax for a story, maybe when he thinks he's gotten the "Sweet bliss of release" at the end, something else happens. I imagined this was him dying. I'm sure since you wrote this while tired, you'll organize it a bit and fix the grammar issues, but it really held my attention. It was a smooth read, if that makes sense. I didn't have to stop and start or force myself to continue. Definitely continue it!
 

Paladin

Senior Member
Wow, I feel like I am trying to escape the clutches of hell when I read that. Makes me stir a little bit as I watch all the people around me powerless to resist, and knowing he will be next.
 

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