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Dreamless- short story- Ch.1 (Sci Fi) (1 Viewer)

Strideeve

Senior Member
I re did this whole thing I wrote a while back and I tried my best with fixing stuff. Like grammar, punctuation, etc.. Bare with me I'm still learning things about writing stuff. Hope you all like this. I do.
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Dreamless Chapter One

I awoke to the sounds of signing birds chirping nearby a tree not far from my location. The sun was shining down on my skin making me feel all tingly and warm inside as, I lay underneath an oak tree. My dress skirt blew gently in the wind as small breezes came through the tree like Mini tidal waves, crashing onto shore. I never imaged I would be in a place so peaceful and beautiful. I enjoyed the view of the grassy fields and small abounded house was nearby as well. The smell of the place was pure and delightful. I couldn’t quite pin point what it smelt like, all I know is it was clean and pure. Ah at last inner peace; I thought. I began to smile a little, the very thought that I was here and not there made me giddy inside and not depressed. I never want to leave this place; I thought as I sat up and took a deep breath in then exhaled. I shivered to another thought racing through my head if this place got destroyed like all the rest, I loved so dearly. I promised myself I wouldn’t get too attracted to this wonderful place so if it did happen I wouldn’t be so disappointed. I made my way through the wheat field unknowingly after I took a breath. Something was different now about the scenery I was looking at. Then I became overly sadden when I saw a little girl in some rubble, calling out to anyone who was nearby for help. I approached her with caution and knelt down. I asked her what was wrong with her and what she needed. She just stared at me with blank eyes like she had no emotion or a soul. I began to back away after standing up from her, feeling frighten a little. Thinking to myself; what’s going on with me or this little girl. I feel scared about her emotionless look towards me but then I feel wosey like I’m spinning out of control all of a sudden. I braced myself for the worse then looked up to the sky. It was crimson red with clouds moving fast in a circular motion around the moon. I looked back to the little girl and she disappeared with in minutes into thin air. Like she was dust cloud dissipating in front of me.

Then all of a sudden everything went dead silent. I couldn’t breathe or move. I panicked and was scared for my life. I was scared that this was the end and surely I’d die. I awoke in a room that was cold and eerie feeling. Then I slowly sat up breathing once more but panting. I spoke softly out loud. “It was a dream?” Then I snickered a little while looking around the room and looking at some strange poster on my wall that said; with in the dreams we dream lies the truth or our demise. For that we don’t dream ever. I had a flashback suddenly like seeing a movie in front of my eyes. Of my world I live in now and what happens when we the humans and what’s left of this race dream.

In dreams meets our fate. The fate of us and our death.




 

Fallow

Senior Member
I'd say you've improved since the last post. I liked it. I shivered a bit at "In dreams meets our fate. The fate of us and our death." It was a good shiver, though. :thumbl:

I'm going to focus on comma use for a moment. Take this sentence: "I enjoyed the view of the grassy fields and small abounded house was nearby as well." Whenever you have one sentence that could be two sentences, (I enjoyed the view of the grassy fields. A small abandoned house was nearby as well.) you need to link them with a comma. A comma should also be placed between stacked adjectives.
So, this sentence should read "I enjoyed the view of the grassy fields, and a small, abandoned house was nearby as well."
 

Strideeve

Senior Member
Really wow. Oh I see and OK I defiantly try to remember your advice. :) Thanks for taking the time to read it.
 

bazz cargo

Retired Supervisor
I awoke to the sounds of singing birds in a nearby tree. The sun was shining on my skin making me feel all tingly and warm inside. I lay underneath an oak tree. My dress skirt blew gently in the wind as small breezes came through the tree like mini tidal waves, crashing onto shore. I never imaged I would be in a place so peaceful and beautiful. I enjoyed the view of the grassy fields and the small abandoned house nearby. The smell of the place was pure and delightful. I couldn’t quite pin point what it smelt like, all I know is it was clean and pure. Ah! at last inner peace; I thought. I began to smile a little, the very thought that I was here and not there made me giddy inside, banishing my depression. I never want to leave this place; I sat up and took in a deep breath, then exhaled. I shivered to another thought that was racing through my head, if this place got destroyed like all the rest I had loved so dearly. I promised myself I wouldn’t get too attracted to this wonderful place, so if the worst did happen I wouldn’t be so disappointed.



Somehow after a deep breath I found myself making my way through a wheat field. Something was different now, something about the scenery. Then I became overly sad when I saw a little girl in some rubble, calling out to anyone who was nearby for help. I approached her with caution and knelt down. I asked her what was wrong and what did she need. She just stared at me with blank eyes like she had no emotion, or a soul. I began to back away after standing up from her, feeling a little frightened. Thinking to myself; what’s going on with me or this little girl? I felt scared about her emotionless look towards me but then I felt woozy, like I’m spinning out of control all of a sudden. I braced myself for the worst then looked up to the sky. It was crimson red with clouds moving fast in a circular motion around the moon. I looked back to the little girl, she faded within minutes into thin air. Like she was a dust cloud dissipating in front of me.

Then all of a sudden everything went dead silent. I couldn’t breathe or move. I panicked and was scared for my life. I was scared that this was the end and surely I’d die.


I awoke in a room that was cold and eerie. Then I slowly sat up panting. I spoke softly out loud. “It was a dream?” Then I snickered a little while looking around the room and looking at a strange poster on my wall; 'within the dreams we dream lies the truth of our demise.'


I had a flashback, like seeing a movie in front of my eyes. Of the world I live in now and what happens when we, what is left of the humans race dream.

In dreams we meet our fate. The fate of us, our death.

hi Strideeve,
I liked this so much I gave it a work-over. It is a bit rough but if you put it side by side with the original you will see how I corrected the tense issues and cut out the repetitive redundancies.

Shiny,
Bazz
 

Strideeve

Senior Member
@ bazz cargo Wow, Thank-you for reading it and doing what you did as well. I appreciate it a lot. I put my effort in this one when I was re-writing what I used to have. I wanted to show all of you what I can truly do. :))

hi Strideeve,
I liked this so much I gave it a work-over. It is a bit rough but if you put it side by side with the original you will see how I corrected the tense issues and cut out the repetitive redundancies.

Shiny,
Bazz
 

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