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Dragon story (1497 words) (1 Viewer)

Bard_Daniel

Senior Member
I'm not an expert in the fantasy genre but I don't think I've seen a story from the perspective of a dragon-- so that's kudos to you for putting it out there! I liked the description that you had here, it was like you took me along for the ride that the dragon was having. I also liked your ending a lot, although I had to read it twice to understand it. You've got a neat little package here and there's a lot to like here.

Just thought I'd give my opinion. Cheers mate!
 

The Fantastical

Senior Member
The story was good (I am glad that the two-legs got what was coming to them for attacking the dragon!) but there were moments when the language was just awkward and needed more work in terms of flow and ease of reading (highlighted below :) ) Also remember that this is written from a dragons POV. The reader needs to have a sense of that, of the dragon in the story. The words and pacing need roll across the mind like the Nile, seemingly slow and quiet yet if you take your eyes off of it for a second it could eat you, just like a dragon. Have a little danger, quite tenseness to the story.

Just my five cents worth!! I enjoyed reading it... I think that there are not enough Dragons in stories these days, especially not enough stories from the dragons POV!

Hunger. My stomach rumbled and finished what the gnawing ball in my bowels had not managed so far Not really needed and just slows the story. With shorts you need to get into it quickly. A jolt of pain ran down my body and rudely interrupted that blissful state between sleep and consciousness. It left me no choice, so I opened my eyes and slowly stretched myself in my warm nest. I enjoyed that satisfying, rustling sound of membrane slowly peeling from one another as my wings unfolded. I flapped a few times and the cave turned into a churning torrent of dust and small stones. A small question of plausibility here. Later on he seems to be a big dragon so if the cave was big enough and open for him to flap his wings as well as get out so easily... and that close to a city... the two legs would have explored the cave and found him by now! Satisfied, I nodded to myself and set out towards the exit of my lair. I sniffed and puffed to ignite the fire in my chest into a smoldering core of fire, scorching cobwebs and spiders wherever tongues of flame flicked from my nostrils. Pitiable little predators I mused as I approached the exit, then stopped to a halt.

I crested the mountain into the next valley and the sight daunted me. A little clumsy in the wording... This valley was also filled with a myriad of stars. Before I could do anything but gape at the vast sea of stars that stretched out in all directions, I felt something approaching me through the air. I spun to my back I spun around and looked behind me would be better, and three dark figures flew through the sky. How they stayed airborne puzzled me, their wings didn't budge and their tails seemed solid. Three small figures detached off those static wings, then sped in my direction with a trail of fire behind. I instinctively knew that I did not want to get hit by those projectiles, so I changed course towards them. I folded my wings right before impact and slapped my tail upwards to dive and spin. The first hissed by, then the second but the third hit my tail, redirected and sped towards the starlit ground. The birds split up in three directions, one flew straight at me and spat small, hard balls at me that ricocheted off my scales I need more action here! I sort of feel as though I am sitting on the sidelines... Rather than on the edge of my seat, unable to wait for the next word so that I can see what happens next. ;)

I just sort of takes the excitement out of the action initiated a dive towards that bird, when the misdirected projectile hit the ground and exploded in a ball of fire and a blast of hot-air carried me upwards. I shook in the air, the warm air under my wings carried me upwards, then dissipated. I dropped as there was no air under my wings to carry me the structure of this just pulls me out of the story. It doesn't flow... something like The warm air carried me up then dissipated beneath my wings as I twisted around to dive towards the ground is an idea of where to go with it. Less short choppy bits of info and more flow between the action. and I twisted around to face the ground head-first. I spread my wings and waited for the air resistance to return and carry me off the ground again. In the meanwhile, the bird that I wanted to tear apart, was engaged in a similar drop. I smiled in myself, the birds had already shown to be sluggish compared to myself, so I retracted my wings against my body and used my tail to alter my course. Write all of the action like this!!! The air howled around me as I sped up towards the bird that now spiraled down.

Distracted by the hunger, something hit me in the side hard. It impacted heavily and knocked all breath out of my lungs. A deafening roar exploded next to me and my scales heated up. I felt how one of my scales was torn from my flesh by the power of the explosion and how blood dripped down my left hind-leg. It must have been one of those hissing things the birds carried on their wings. Hurt, but far from defeated I roared another challenge at them, then dove downwards, pretending to flee. There is a lot of distancing language here that takes the reader out of the emotion and the pain of the attack. While I am still sympathizing with your MC I just don't FEEL the pain or the rage. You need to use more personal words and phrasing to bring the emotion to the reader. The birds were fast, but awkward. I was fast and nimble and if they chased me, that would be their end. You already sort of said this somewhere above when you said they planes where slow. Repeat sentences can slow a short down much more than in a novel or even a poem. As a medium of writing shorts are in a way far more delicate that anything else. You need fast pace, but slow enough wording to have an expanse-ful story, you need rhythm but don't repeat yourself due to the fact that most shorts are just a few thousand words. You need pace right off the bat but you still need to set up the story. I felt something approaching from behind and spiraled downwards to avoid the incoming projectile. It hissed by without causing any hurt and I dared to take a peek at the birds. Both were chasing me close behind. Too close, so I turned on my back and released a stream of flames in their direction. As expected, both turned sideways to move out of the way, so I spiraled again and lashed out with my tail. I hit something heavy and the hit knocked me offcourse. The bird however spun around and lost height fast. I stabilized myself, then plunged after the falling bird and snapped up the two-legs that jumped out of the birds beak.
 

Ultraroel

Senior Member
Thanks guys!

Thank you for pointing out the inconsistencies and how to improve it for a short story.
I will rewrite some parts to make it more consistent and improve the flow. This is my second story in the first person POV, any tips on how to have a more ancient feel to it?
 

The Fantastical

Senior Member
Oh humm.... Ancient feel... for this I would suggest you turn to the master of ancient and timeless -.J.R.R Tolkien. He writes the most brilliantly timelessly and historic scenes. If you haven't already read his Lord of the Rings trilogy already I would suggest that you do and if you have read them I would suggest you read them again and really "study" how he uses words to create the feel of age. I know that they aren't shorts but you can still use his techniques to base your own style off of. Some of the best examples would be -

“Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Starting at the beginning, in this poem you can just feel the weight of time and mystery in every line... this sets up the whole series in on moment and sets you right in the past. Where time lies before you and a past filled with shadows lies behind you. Weighing the world down.

“One felt as if there was an enormous well behind them. Filled up with ages of memory and long, slow, steady thinking; but their surface was sparkling with the present : like sun shimmering on the outer leaves of a vast tree, or on the ripples of a very deep lake. I don’t know, but I t felt as if something that grew in the ground—asleep, you might say, or just feeling itself as something between roof-tip and leaf-tip, between deep earth and sky had suddenly waked up, and was considering you with the same slow care that it had given to its own inside affairs for endless years.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

“As you go down the water,’ he said, ‘you will find that the trees will fail, and you will come to a barren country. There the River flows in stony vales amid high moors, until at last after many leagues it comes to the tall island of the Tindrock, that we call Tol Brandir. There it casts its arms about the steep shores of the isle, and falls then with a great noise and smoke over the cataracts of Rauros down into the Nindalf, the Wetwang as it is called in your tongue. That is a wide region of sluggish fen where the stream becomes tortuous and much divided. There the Entwash flows in by many mouths from the Forest of Fangorn in the west. About that stream, on this side of the Great River, lies Rohan. On the further side are the bleak hills of the Emyn Muil. The wind blows from the East there, for they look out over the Dead Marshes and the Noman-lands to Cirith Gorgor and the black gates of Mordor.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

“When trees shall fall and starless night devour the sunless day; When wind is in the deadly East, then in the bitter rain I’ll look for thee, and call to thee; I’ll come to thee again! ENTWIFE. When Winter comes, and singing ends; when darkness falls at last; When broken is the barren bough, and light and labour past; I’ll look for thee, and wait for thee, until we meet again: Together we will take the road beneath the bitter rain! BOTH. Together we will take the road that leads”
[FONT=Lato, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, sans-serif]J.R.R. Tolkien[/FONT], [FONT=Lato, Helvetica Neue, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Lord of the Rings[/FONT]
 
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