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Does This Plot Turn In My Story Come Off As Weird? (1 Viewer)


Senior Member
For my script, which is a thriller, I want a witness to testify in court in a case, then later at her home, the villains break into her house to try to make an attempt on her life.

But I also want the main character, a police officer, to be there when it happens. I was thinking he could give her a ride to and from the courthouse back to her home so he can be.

But logically, the villains would break into her house at night, rather than day time in order to keep a lower profile. But if the MC gives the witness a ride from a court hearing, which normally takes place during the day, and then they arrive at her house at night, which is supposed to be in the same city, will that much time be able to go by?

One reader suggested to me so far, that I should write it so that his car breaks down on the way and has to get it repaired, then take her home. But is it weird that she would wait around for the car to be repaired rather than find alternative means of transportation to get home sooner? Does it work, or no?

Thanks for any opions on it! I really appreciate it!


Senior Member
It's hard since I know so little about the background details.

She could have a family emergency that he diverts to, they find everything alright but takes a couple hours, then he takes her home? Possible chance for characterization of her background/family.
Maybe she's rattled by the hearing and he takes her for a meal because she doesn't feel like she wants to be alone just yet?
The hearing gets delayed an hour or so by the previous one overrunning? (although I'm NOT knowledgeable on court procedure, so I've no idea if they'd do that or even have more than one hearing in a day)

I think the car breakdown feels contrived to me because you'd imagine in a natural situation the cop would wait with the car to get it fixed and simply call her a taxi. The only way I imagine she wouldn't is if, like one of my previous ideas above, she doesn't feel safe until the cop physically sees her over the doorstep. Ie - not even trusting a taxi driver.
What if the police officer has a strange hunch that something might be up and decides to circle the block for a while, just in case? Maybe he sees something or someone out of the ordinary that tips him off.

Or, maybe he needs to think the case through, and driving around at his leisure helps him sort them out?

Does the break-in have to happen late at night? What if it's early evening, just around the time when the sun sets? cue drama :) The court hearing could be in the afternoon and maybe drag on for a bit. Criminals can be brazen enough to only need modest shade to do their deeds. And I'm sure you know what kind of crazy stuff can happen even in broad daylight.

Maybe she simply calls him as it happens and he rushes over? It's logical, since he's a policeman and she's in danger. Or what if the criminals themselves call the guy, to taunt him or demand ransom or something? cue more drama

Another idea might be, he runs into another officer who's a notorious motormouth, and he can't get the guy to stop talking so has to stick around in the neighborhood until the guy has had his say and lets him go.


Senior Member
Thanks for the ideas!

Well it doesn't necessarily have to be late at night, I just thought the villains would break in when more people were not out and are sleeping, or thought that would be more logical on there part.

As for the idea of her calling him to come over, I don't think it would be in his character to do that. He would just call 911 for her and have a car sent over that is closer to her, if she needed the police. So I couldn't see him going over personally, unless I am seeing it wrong? So I thought he would already have to be there when the attack happens, therefore maybe.

K.S. Crooks

Senior Member
You could have a police detail on the witness' house and the detective could take a few shifts. This way he's there when they try to kill the witness. Question I have is why are they trying to kill her after she already testified and not before?


Senior Member
Oh well, this is just the preliminary hearing, so would they want to see if the case makes it past the preliminary hearing, before deciding to resort to murder? Otherwise if the defendant's lawyer can get him off before it goes to trial, then resorting to murder may be premature? Or would they want to resort to that even before the preliminary hearing?

I could also have the detective take a few shifts, but he is also a witness in the same case, since he is one of the investigators, so if one of the detectives on the case, who is also a witness, is on protection detail of another one of the witnesses, would the department naturally assign him to this, or would it come off as a conflict of interest at all?
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Senior Member
You have two obvious solutions-
1) He's assigned to protect her that night
2) "Please, don't go. I don't feel safe alone."