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Does this fragment reads as I want it to? (1 Viewer)

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Puellamagi

Senior Member
The fragment:

"She had nightmares and suffered in her slumber that had lasted for a decade. The machines created sweet dreams and plugged them into her dormant mind to replace the nightmares. They extracted horrors from Alle’s consciousness and locked them within themselves, seeing grim visions instead of her."

By this piece I wanted to say that Alle on her own has nightmares. But the machines create synthetic dreams for her, and the dreams that they create are sweet. To plug their dreams in her mind they take her nightmares on themselves. So the machines have to live through nightmares to ease Alle's suffering.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
The fragment:

"She had nightmares and suffered in her slumber that had lasted for a decade. This is a little bit awkward. 'She had suffered nightmares in her slumber that lasted for a decade' is tighter. The machines created sweet dreams and plugged them into her dormant mind to replace the nightmares. They extracted horrors from Alle’s consciousness and locked them within themselves, seeing grim visions instead of her."

By this piece I wanted to say that Alle on her own has nightmares. But the machines create synthetic dreams for her, and the dreams that they create are sweet. To plug their dreams in her mind they take her nightmares on themselves. So the machines have to live through nightmares to ease Alle's suffering.

I'd make this adjustment. Do you mean she had nightmares every night for a decade or that she had nightmares that had lasted for a decade?
 

Foxee

Patron
Patron
"She had nightmares and suffered in her slumber that had lasted for a decade. The machines created sweet dreams and plugged them into her dormant mind to replace the nightmares. They extracted horrors from Alle’s consciousness and locked them within themselves, seeing grim visions instead of her."

By this piece I wanted to say that Alle on her own has nightmares. But the machines create synthetic dreams for her, and the dreams that they create are sweet. To plug their dreams in her mind they take her nightmares on themselves. So the machines have to live through nightmares to ease Alle's suffering.
Hey, Puellamagi! Nice to hear from Russia.

First, I love your ideas in this excerpt.

Second, there are many ways something like this can be written so my suggestions are just one way. It's difficult for me to know how you wanted it to read. Are you just asking for an improvement in the flow and wording?

I've picked out the four mentions of nightmares in green to illustrate that if the passage is simplified, you haven't lost the thought.

The phrase I've highlighted purple in your explanation is beautiful. Consider using this in your prose if you haven't elsewhere.

A possible simplified version:

"For a decade Alle had been unable to wake from a horror-filled slumber. The machines extracted these nightmares and locked the grim visions within themselves, creating sweet synthetic dreams for her instead."

Nightmares, unless otherwise specified, happen in a dreaming mind so you can safely drop that bit if you want. I'd quibble a little bit with using a word like 'dormant' because that lacks the activity that a dreaming mind has.
 

luckyscars

WF Veterans
The fragment:

"She had nightmares and suffered in her slumber that had lasted for a decade. The machines created sweet dreams and plugged them into her dormant mind to replace the nightmares. They extracted horrors from Alle’s consciousness and locked them within themselves, seeing grim visions instead of her."

In addition to what was said, I think it can be a little confusing to refer to machines as 'themselves' because this is a pronoun usually used for people (or humanlike things). We don't usually refer to two cars crashing as 'hitting themselves', right?

I know that may well be the point -- this is likely to be sophisticated AI -- but out of context it isn't super clear if 'they' is the machine or a separate operator. So it probably depends on how the preceding/following text is written as to whether this rings correctly or not. I think it's fine to use personification in this manner, especially in a story about artificial intelligence, but just something to keep in mind.
 

Taylor

Staff member
Global Moderator
The fragment:

"She had nightmares and suffered in her slumber that had lasted for a decade. The machines created sweet dreams and plugged them into her dormant mind to replace the nightmares. They extracted horrors from Alle’s consciousness and locked them within themselves, seeing grim visions instead of her."

By this piece I wanted to say that Alle on her own has nightmares. But the machines create synthetic dreams for her, and the dreams that they create are sweet. To plug their dreams in her mind they take her nightmares on themselves. So the machines have to live through nightmares to ease Alle's suffering.

Yes, much better! I recognize this from your story "An exposition scene." I am certain the story will read better with this stronger, clearer opening. Well done!!
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
The fragment:

"She had nightmares and suffered in her slumber that had lasted for a decade. The machines created sweet dreams and plugged them into her dormant mind to replace the nightmares. They extracted horrors from Alle’s consciousness and locked them within themselves, seeing grim visions instead of her."

By this piece I wanted to say that Alle on her own has nightmares. But the machines create synthetic dreams for her, and the dreams that they create are sweet. To plug their dreams in her mind they take her nightmares on themselves. So the machines have to live through nightmares to ease Alle's suffering.

Yep, I got that from it. To me it reads a little convoluted and something of a summary, but otherwise perfectly fine.
 
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