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Does "he replied in a bothered tone" work here? (1 Viewer)

mr. ramstad

Senior Member
[FONT=&quot]Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

“It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”
[/FONT]

“Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
[FONT=&Verdana]Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

“It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”
[/FONT]

“Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.

it works fine, yeah. Is there a reason you thought 'bothered' wasn't the right word?
 

mr. ramstad

Senior Member
I'm assuming you're writing a period piece? Perhaps these are well to do people? I could be wrong there but your style suggests that.

To be honest I don't know what I'd call it. This part of the story does take place in aristocratic society back in the late 1800's so I'm trying my best to write how I envision they would talk back then... and with that type of status. I'm still in the process of just making notes although I have written a few paragraphs already. I'm not even 100% sure of the plot yet (lol).
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
To be honest I don't know what I'd call it. This part of the story does take place in aristocratic society back in the late 1800's so I'm trying my best to write how I envision they would talk back then... and with that type of status. I'm still in the process of just making notes although I have written a few paragraphs already. I'm not even 100% sure of the plot yet (lol).

There you go then. Considering I didn't know what you were writing about, the fact I thought it sounded aristocratic shows you're close to your objectives with the style. :)
 

mr. ramstad

Senior Member
I would suggest replied hesitantly, worriedly or uncertainly as to avoid the sentence sounding contrived.

Thanks but I think if I used any of those words it would take away what I'm trying to do. I want him saying "yes, yes" in a short way as if bothered by her presence.
 

Foxee

Patron
Patron
[FONT=&Verdana]Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

“It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”
[/FONT]

“Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.
You could use it if you don't mind that it sounds stilted. That might be what you're going for (after all, he's bothered). I don't particularly like it because it feels wordy and awkward which could take too much time to read for the effect you're going for.

So what is a 'bothered tone'? What would it sound like? Probably short, clipped, brusque, curt, dismissive.

...so maybe the phrase you write should e short, clipped, brusque, curt, dismissive. After the first character's rambling, obviously annoying line I would just type.

"Yes, yes."

Don't even add a dialogue tag unless you need it to indicate that Lord Farley spoke.

If that's too minimalist what about:

"Yes, yes," Lord Farley snapped.

Something like that.
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
[FONT=&Verdana]Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

“It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”
[/FONT]

“Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.

It's fine. I read it as Lord Farley not being the POV character though - hopefully this is correct. Also as a reader I would anticipate some variety in the dialogue tagging (which there may well be); body language, action tags, stuff like that, so if the next time he spoke, it might be something along the lines of just a simple "said" with some other bumpf around it:

Lord Farley flapped his arms. He seemed so much more restless than on the shoot. "Fine, fine," he said.
 
Sorry to confuse here but isn't the words "bothered tone" telling a reader?

Would something like work better (?)
"Yes yes," Lord Farley said, slamming his fist on the table, returning his gaze back towards the window.
 
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