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Do these Scenes Need Transitional Elements? (1 Viewer)

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TheMightyAz

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I was just getting these scenes written down and intended to add in little transitional sections afterwards. But then I noticed the happy accident between scene two and three and wondered if I should just leave them as is. I now imagine them as camera cuts and wondered if they work for other people too. I'm still a little too close to them to view them objectively:

edit: or maybe just add a small transition between scene one and two?
edit2: I went ahead and added more to the first paragraph to ease into the second more smoothly

In the morning, he set about his chores, prioritised ironing, which included a pair of black trousers, green shirt and blue jumper. Clothes of his he had little time for before. By noon, every task had been finished, except for washing father’s car. That he would leave until the last minute, a small demonstration of resistance, which inspired grumbles and shuffled pages from father, buried as usual behind a newspaper. Mother looked out across the table as she ate, focused on the space ahead, as if she longed to be there. There was a taut, thin thread between all three, a fragile thread that any ill placed word could snap.

After mealtime, Tommy reluctantly set about the task of washing Father’s car, each spatter of water from the hosepipe, each wipe, each polish, a painful reminder of the indignity he felt. Eventually, he finished the job, and there it sat, the huge blue land creature, sparkling clean. If he had a harpoon, he would pierce that beast a thousand times.

Hair combed, cap adjusted, Tommy took stock in the full-length wardrobe mirror. He turned and angled, examined the freshly ironed outfit before slipping on his blazer, black minus a school emblem, a request fought for and eventually won. Highly polished black shoes finished off the ensemble perfectly, and there he stood, remade.

Revised. I think this works well as a compromise. Better?:

In the morning, he set about his chores, prioritised ironing, which included a pair of black trousers, green shirt and blue jumper. Clothes he seldom wore before but was keen on wearing now. By noon, every task had been finished, except for washing father’s car. That he would leave until the last minute, a small demonstration of resistance, which inspired grumbles and shuffled pages from father, buried as usual behind a newspaper. Mother looked out across the table as she ate, focused on the space ahead, as if she longed to be there. There was a taut, thin thread between all three, a fragile thread that any ill placed word could snap.

After mealtime, Tommy reluctantly set about the task of washing Father’s car, each spatter of water from the hosepipe, each wipe, each polish, a painful reminder of the indignity he felt. Eventually, he finished the job, and there it sat, the huge blue land creature, sparkling clean. If he had a harpoon, he would pierce that beast a thousand times. The bucket he placed down hard near the backdoor to announce the task done, walked through the thick hush, and took the stairs to his bedroom, two at a time.

Hair combed, cap adjusted, Tommy took stock in the full-length wardrobe mirror. He turned and angled, examined the freshly ironed outfit before slipping on his blazer, black minus a school emblem, a request fought for and eventually won. Highly polished black shoes finished off the ensemble perfectly, and there he stood, remade.
 
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Ralph Rotten

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If this is a scene transition, it's rather klunky.
However, if you turned it into a character development piece, it could work.
Don't just talk about his chores, but how he feels about them, or how he views the world around him.
Use this piece to get us into his head. But as it stands now it is simply us watching him do chores (with no access to his head.)
 

TheMightyAz

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If this is a scene transition, it's rather klunky.
However, if you turned it into a character development piece, it could work.
Don't just talk about his chores, but how he feels about them, or how he views the world around him.
Use this piece to get us into his head. But as it stands now it is simply us watching him do chores (with no access to his head.)

It has to be this way unfortunately. It leads in from a 'show' scene and then out to a 'show' scene. It's a simple transition in and of itself. If I build it out it would unbalance that section of the story.

Show (slower pace) > tell (quicker pace) > show (large trans-formative show section) The car is important. Him looking his best is important. The punishment is important. But not to the same degree as the overall story arc. This is why I need to get this transition at least smoothed out.

There is actually a fair bit of showing there too. It isn't 'in' the scene as such, but it's there.
 
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