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DLR (1 Viewer)

Delphina

Member
I tried writing an imagined sadness.
With little luck I talked myself into a feigned despair.
Then I realized my true distress to impart a happiness
from the past that I long for, is forever gone.
A happiness can only be lived once.
For a memory's happiness is a hologram at best.
A facsimile of it, not real anymore, although it once was.
Squinting my eyes closed, reaching out in my mind,
reaching for that deepest, faintest happiness lying
submerged in the murk of a thousand bad days.
I brush them away in layers upon layers
before I begin to see a glint and I remember
it is not mine now, and it is not even accurate.
I grab for it anyway and push my whole being into that
one memory of happiness and I can feel it momentarily,
before the life is sucked from my chest and my breath is gone.
The realization comes flooding back–pushing back...
That I will try for that same happiness forever.
However long my eternity is.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
I tried writing an imagined sadness.
With little luck I talked myself into a feigned despair.
Then I realized my true distress to impart a happiness
from the past that I long for, is forever gone
A happiness can only be lived once.
For a memory's happiness is a hologram at best.


A facsimile of it, not real anymore, although it once was.
I think you could edit this line out completely, you already expressed in line 4
happiness is gone...

Squinting my eyes closed, reaching out in my mind,
cut "closed"

reaching for that deepest, faintest happiness lying
cut either "deepest" or "faintest"... I don't think you need both


submerged in** the** murk of a thousand bad days.** cut "the"
I brush them away in layers **upon layers** cut "upon layers**
before I **begin to** see a glint and I remember**cut ** begin to"***
it is not mine **now, and **it is not** even** accurate.** cut "now and"..cut Accurate"

I grab for it **anyway and** push my whole being into that** cut "anyway and"***

one memory of happiness and I can feel it momentarily,
before the life is sucked from my chest and my breath is gone.
The realization comes flooding back–pushing back...
That I will try for that same happiness forever.
However long my eternity is.

Hello ;) thank you for posting your lovely poem, your messages is one of loss, painful memories and the struggle to regain what was precious to you...this is a poem most can relate to... In purple I have made a few suggestions { and that is all they are...;)} of ways you can edit your poem... poetry is about distilling emotions/thoughts.. into a few words, leaving your poetry powerful, sharp and clean... one excellent way to set a mood is through imagery... select each word with precision, like a jeweler setting each diamond...editing does not take anything away from your message, it adds to the clarity and richness... I hope to see more of your work ;)
 
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