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Dirty Standards (1 Viewer)

Diego

Senior Member
Ok...so I know this isn't in the right format, but it's pretty easy to read. I don't like the title too much..so um..If you have any questions or comments just ask here!

“BayView Elementary. The school I worked at for 16 years. The place where I sat in my beloved library and preached reading to pre-teens.”

We see pictures of the school, and her in the library.

“The place where I became friends with my co-workers”

Shows her talking to fellow staff-members.

“Oh, and the place I spoke my last words before I went missing.”

We see people crowded around her empty desk; a tear runs down one woman’s face. Her husband stands there. (David)

David: “Rhonda, wherever you are. Come back to me.”


“September 15th was the last day anyone ever saw me. The reasons for my disappearance were and are still unknown to most. My departure was depressing in a sense. But underneath everything it makes sense. Everyone has their reasons.


Opening Credits

‘Rhonda’s ‘Funeral’

The camera is zooming in on a beautiful outside funeral.

David: “We come here to honor the wonderful Rhonda Gordon, my wife, who is now missing. It’s been 4 months, and I suspect we will never be given the pleasure to see her again. The police are hard at work”

“Michael Yorks was a young attractive bachelor. Girls wanted to be with him, and men wanted to look like him. He was very humble for his looks. This was his 4th year teaching. Jessica McKay, his romantic interest, was enjoying her first year teaching at BayView, they were the young teachers, that all the veteran teachers despised. I found them entertaining”

We now see Michael Yorks, and Jessica McKay sitting in the back row alone, ignoring the speech.

Jessica: “What are we going to do after this?”

She puts her hand on his back

Michael: “Hunny, it doesn’t matter now. This is very importa-”

Jessica cuts him of and kisses him on the lips. He’s trying to talk, but she keeps going.

Michael: “Stop it.”

He eventually just goes along with it, but after time an older woman from the row in front of them turns around and gives them a disgusting look. They both stop, and sit up in their seats.

‘Danielle’s Bedroom’

Danielle Dibrea was…an interesting person to say. She was always going off on her class. Mental disorders were always a thought. Her life had been scattered after a 2 year marriage came crashing down. Ever since then she has been... not exactly normal.

Alarm-clock starts beeping, and shows 12:21 am. Danielle rolls out of bed looking horrible,

Danielle: “Oh my god! The funeral!”

She runs over to the hamper and pulls out a skirt and a tank-top. The runs in the bathroom and rubs some cream on her face. As she walks back into the bedroom she looks at the beeping alarm clock.

Danielle: “Shut up!”

She runs downstairs gathers her purse and car keys then rushed to her car. She drives to the funeral recklessly.

‘Rhonda’s ‘Funeral’
I came into Nora’s life 10 years ago when I started. She cared for me, taught me, and eventually became my best friend. But in the last year we grew apart. I don’t know why though.”

Danielle arrives and sneaks in. She sits down next to Jessica. Just as she enters Rhonda’s co-librarian (Nora Wintersmith) takes the stage to talk.

Danielle: “What did I miss?”

Michael: “We weren’t paying attention. It mustn’t have been that exciting, the guy over their fell asleep”

They all become silent and listen to Nora as she speaks.

Nora: “Well first off, I want to thank David for letting me speak here…today. It was such an honor to work with Rhonda for 10 years. When she came to me in, and was such a caring sole. She was really… a…. wonderful person. It’s such a shame she went missing…. I’m sure we all are feeling grief and sorrow. But we all have pain; we will make it through, and keep Rhonda in our hearts.”


Commercial


‘Reception Room’

Jessica walks up to David as he is talking to a group of people.

Jessica: “David can I talk to you?”

He nods and they walk-outside into the hallway alone.

Hallway’

Jessica: “I don’t know if you saw it but-”

David: “Yea. I saw you and Michael kissing.”

Jessica: “Oh, well, I just wanted to apologize, I say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I really cared about Rhonda”

David: “Thanks. But I don’t blame you for not paying attention. I fell asleep at my own uncle’s funeral.”

They both laugh. She hugs him and they go back into the reception room.

‘Reception Room’

“Brian Ingram was a true perfectionist. His books were always straight.”

We see him straightening his books.

“His desk was always clean.”

We see him cleaning his desk.

“And his class was always quiet”

We see his quiet class working.

“But his past wasn’t so perfect. He grew up on the streets, and was a crack addict through his teen-years. But when he turned 20 he decided to change his life, he went to college, became a teacher, and left the person he was before. He likes to keep his past out of his perfect life.”

We see him, his wife, and two kids, all looking perfect.

Brian: “Hello Danielle. How are you?”

Danielle turns around to see him.

Danielle: “I’m umm…good. I guess. For now. Always going through ups and downs.”

“Danielle hated Brian and his perfect life”

We see Danielle drink a whole glass of wine as Brian walks away. She walks up to the bartender.

Danielle: “Give me another.”
Bartender: “Ma’am this is your 4th glass in 15 minutes.”

Danielle: “Nobody asked you. Now hurry up.”

‘Another Part of the Reception’

David walks up to Michael

David: “Hey Michael, how are things?”

Michael: “Things are okay. Since Rhonda isn’t with us, I’ve been trying to… appreciate the people close to me a lot more. How are you holding up?”

David: “It’s hard, but we all move along.”

Michael: “Why did the police give up so early? It’s only been 4 months, and I know investigations can run for years.”

David: “The police told me her chances of still being alive were slim. I decided to face the facts that I would never see her again. It kills me inside, but we all have pain, but we have to suck it up, and forget about the past, and look to the future.

Michael: “Oh... well it’s good to see your positive, and not to angered about it.”

David: “Yea.”

Shattering glass quiets the whole room. We see a broken glass vase on the floor, and two little kids standing their shocked. David begins yelling.

David: “Damn kids!”

Commercial

‘Michael’s Classroom’

Michael: “So how was everyone’s weekend?”

Everyone is silent

Michael: “Anyone? Can I get anyone to talk?”

Female Student 1: “No, we all decided we hate school. So we’re going to ignore you.”

Michael: “Oh…umm…. Ok. Well in that case we can do 31 pages out of the textbook, critical thinking, extended response and all that other fun stuff.
Male Student 1: “My weekend was great”

Michael: “Good to hear. Let’s get out our notes.”


‘Hallway’

Jessica is leading her class in a line down the hall

Jessica: “Kelsey, Lauren, stop talking.”

Kelsey: “Sorry, Lauren had to ask me a question”

Jessica: “It’s a privilege that I’m taking you guys to the library to read, if you keep talking its over.”

‘Outside Library’

Jessica and her class approach but see Brian and some students at the closed library doors.


Jessica: “Brian, what’s going on?”

Brian: “Well, I was coming to pick some things from the library, and Nora’s locked everyone out.”

Jessica walks up to the door and starts banging.


Jessica: “Nora! Let us in!”

Nora: “No! I don’t have to.”

Jessica: “I’m going to call a janitor. They have a key!”

Nora: “I don’t care.”

Brian: “The funerals probably just relit the flame. I think she is still angry about Rhonda.”

Jessica: “I would be angry if my best friend was suddenly missing, and probably dead. But this is a little over kill, don’t you think?”

Brian: “Let’s go back guys”

Jessica and her class follow.

‘Tina’s Classroom’

Tina: “It’s time for lunch! Pack up your stuff.”

Her class packs up their things, and then they leave the room for lunch, as does Tina.

‘Hallway’

Tina is walking to the teacher lunchroom.

“Tina Anderson has a fiery personality, and is always up to date on school gossip. We developed a friendship in the 9 years she’s been teaching”

‘Teacher Lunchroom’

We see Tina, Michael, and Nora eating lunch silently.

Nora: “It was him, he killed her.”

Michael: “What Nora?”

Nora: “It was David. He killed Rhonda, she never was missing.”

Tina: “Nora, I doubt that. You know he loved her with all of his heart.”

Michael: “I agree, I mean, I just can’t imagine that.”

Tina: “What evidence do you have?”

Nora: “I don’t”

Tina: “Well…”

Nora: “Whatever.”

Tina: “Did you hear that Paul Fredrick, the Athletic Director is retiring?”

Nora get’s up and leaves. Michael gives Tina a questioning look.

Tina: “What?”

Commercial

‘Outside Meeting Room’

We see students leaving to get on buses as the teachers wait to go into the meeting room for the teacher meeting.

The door opens and the teachers go in.

‘Meeting Room’

Everyone sits down and get’s settled.

“Craig Perry, BayView’s principal, is a very wise man, he acts as a mediator of what goes on at BayView. He’s been there longer than anyone at the school. 21 years it’s been. Good years at that.”



Craig: “Welcome to our Wednesday Teacher Meeting, we don’t have time to chat so let’s get straight to the issues. Nora, do you think you’re finally ready for someone to replace Rhonda?”

Nora: “I think I can handle it by this point. I won’t like it, but if it’s for the benefit of the library, then I’m for it.”

Brian: “If you look at it from a positive point of view, it might take some stress of you.

Craig: “Well that’s good, because I’ve set up job interviews for next Tuesday. Before I bring anything else up, is their anything anyone has to say.”

One woman raises her hand.

Craig: “Oh…go ahead Susan.”

Susan: “I’m not sure how to lead up to this – but I’m pregnant. I’m not sure when I’ll have to leave school... But it will happen.”

Craig: “I’ll have to find a long term substitute.”

Susan: “About that… I don’t think I’ll be coming back, ever.”

Craig: “What a disappointment.”

Danielle: “We completely respect your decision. I would quit if I was working 3 jobs, and had 4 children, 1 on the way.”

Susan gives Danielle an innocent smile, hiding how mad she is.

Craig: “So we’re in need of a 5th grade science teacher. What’s next?”

Craig looks at his watch.

Craig: “I just realized that I have an appointment with my doctor. I guess I forgot. We’ll finish this meeting tomorrow.”

Everyone gets’s up and leaves.
 

Diego

Senior Member
More...

‘Before school in Michael’s room’

Michael and Jessica are talking, while drinking coffee.

Jessica: “Ouch!”

She sets down the hot coffee.

Michael: “What’s wrong?”

Jessica: “Well the coffee is to hot, it’s raining outside, and the coffee is to hot.”

Michael: “Anything else?”

Jessica: “No.”

The overhead PA system comes on.

PA system: “Would Nora Wintersmith please call the office at extension 3000.”

Jessica: “Did you hear how she locked us out of the library?”

Michael: “She thinks David killed Rhonda.”

Jessica laughs.

Jessica: “That’s funny.”

Michael: “No, she really thinks that. I don’t believe it.”

Michael looks at his watch.

Michael: “Class starts soon. You better go.”

Michael kisses Jessica.

Jessica: “I’ll see you later.”

Jessica leaves the room.
 

Diego

Senior Member
I don't know if this is "bad" but here's a charecter guide- sorta thing.

Rhonda Gordon – Missing librarian. (16 years)
· Husband = David Gordon
· Daughter = Sara Gordon

Craig Perry = Principal of BayView Elementary
Jessica McKay = Young attractive female teacher, 1st year teaching (6th Grade Language Arts)
Michael Yorks = Young attractive teacher. 4th year teacher (6th Grade Science)
Danielle Dibrea = Crazy teacher, 4th year teaching (5th Grade Language Arts)
Brian Ingram = Perfectionist, 6th year teaching. (5th grade math)
· Wife = Holly
· Daughter = Katie (young)
· Son = Steven (teen)
Nora Wintersmith – Librarian (12 years)
Tina Anderson – African American, gossiper, 9th year teaching (6th Grade Social Studies)

 

Chris Miller

WF Veterans
Hey Diego,

Sorry. I've never read this type of thing and don't know the medium. I can only crit it like I would any other piece of creative writing. The grammar's okay, but the dialogue and action strike me as pretty flat and idea-sparse. The only thing that piqued my interest at all in the beginning was that the narrator went "missing." I asume this is voice-over or something.

Might be helpful to see the plot arc.
 

Kimba

Senior Member
All narratives in a script should be written as such. I'd write the proper formatting here but it's not easy in posts. For example:

NARRATOR:
(VO)
BayView Elementary. The school I worked at for 16 years. The place where I sat in my beloved library and preached reading to pre-teens.

etc ...
 

Diego

Senior Member
Gah..I'm stupid...whats a plot arc :p ?

I know it's not correct format, I want to know about my content.
 

Chris Miller

WF Veterans
A plot arc is just a synopsis of the plot.

May I ask, what it is about this that you feel makes it interesting and/or unique? In publishing you will often have to sell the idea of your piece long before any gatekeeper will read the whole thing. So as a pretend gatekeeper, I'd ask, why should I read this? What's it about? What makes it interesting and different?

I cut the following out at random:

Jessica: “I’m going to call a janitor. They have a key!”
plural vs. singlular pronoun mixup

Nora: “I don’t care.”
Me neither (not trying to be rude).

Brian: “The funerals probably just relit the flame. I think she is still angry about Rhonda.”
funeral's
she is = she's (how people talk)

Jessica: “I would be angry if my best friend was suddenly missing, and probably dead. But this is a little over kill, don’t you think?”
I would = I'd
Why angry? (worried maybe)
over kill = overkill

Brian: “Let’s go back guys”
...guys." (period)

Jessica and her class follow.

The dialogue here strikes me as very banal. Imagine it as a "comic" strip. Would it be worth drawing a single frame?
 
Last edited:

Diego

Senior Member
This is a first draft, and I realize there are things I need to fix, thanks for pointing them out for me.

Jessica/Michael plot- It will go through their relationship, then later I will introduce a girl who messes their relationship up. Jess might also have a part in the Nora/Rhonda plot.

Nora/Gordon Family - David has been previously married, and with his other wife he had Sara. But when david and wife got divorced he let her keep the baby to keep her happy. But Rhonda (who's infertile) finds out about this baby. She reports ex-wife for drug use, and the ex-wife looses the baby. Rhonda adopts the baby, which angers David. So david kills her. This story line will go through Nora trying to find who killed rhonda.

Brian Ingram - A woman who he'd made pregnant back in his non-perfect drug years will come into the picture and he will have to find a way to hide the past from everyone.

Danielle Dibrea - Danielle will be trying to find a way to balance her life, and try and stop her pill and alcohol addiction. Her ex-husband will also try and ruin her relationship.

I think what makes this interesting, is that their is a lot going on dealing with teachers and their relationships. It's what teachers are really like.
 

kanglives

Member
As a film editor I feel this needs to be tightened up alot. The dialogue needs something extra like sarcasm, irony etc and be more dynamic. The plot seems to lack a little.

But please keep trying and I am sure it will improve.
 

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