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Digital Mania (18+ for adult themes) (1 Viewer)

starchild

Senior Member
Digital Mania
by Starchild


Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.~ (Romans 12:2) and be renewed in the Spirit of your mind, and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true Holiness~ (Ephesians 4:23-24)

"greater love has no one other than this, that they lay down their life for someone..."

Lisa had been visiting the cabin secretly every day in the woods. Her husband noted her comings and goings with mild concern, but figured he’d let her be this time and that she needed her space. In her spare time she scribbled in notebooks, jotting down her dreams and hopes for her children. How she felt, hopelessly, day by day drawing ever to the truth of dawn’s light--wondering if she would ever be heard or understood as more than a woman caught between the polarities of time.

The two of them met in engineering at Cambridge, and bonded through their love of exploration and the unknown. Yet, there were forces at work that meant a bigger plan and in time they married and had two children, while Lisa began her quest for spiritual salvation and to understand the world in its grandest mysteries.

Her husband found her dead on the the day the two of them were scheduled with the therapist to discuss claiming custody over their children. He found her hanging by a noose in a tree way back in the forest on their land. The husband hadn’t known that she had been making the ladder, but heard the hammer pounding off in the distance thinking she was working on the cabin. The cops had been searching everywhere for her. The husband ran screaming from the body, as officers in full gear told him not to come near the body and yelled to go straight back to the house. It had been almost two months since his wife committed suicide, when he found the coin she had lost thousands of miles from their residence.

He told a girl about the angel coin that he found on the freshly swept wood floor. It had come over one thousand miles from where it had been lost, and it had belonged to his late wife.

"I’ve found the holy grail
and know that it exists
within the heart and mind
of the Cosmos
"
 
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Epic Myth

Senior Member
Okay. This is my first time giving constructive criticism on this site. I am new around these parts.

It also turns out this might be a piece of work that is out of my leagues, but nobody else seems to give it much of a chance.

So, I will say this: Please break it up. My biggest complaint is that it is too long for anyone to take the time to sit down, look at it, and point out the mistakes. Perhaps just post a 1000 words; somewhere around that margin is easy to manage. Secondly, I understand this is a collection of dreams and stuff, but it's hard to focus or understand WHAT is going on -- what is the main purpose or idea?

Maybe I didn't read far ahead enough. I did stop around the time a girl was talking about lightning and knowing where it would strike. It all seems too random for me to pin-point or have an idea where this is going or taken place. It... has this Stephen King ominous dark notion, but I might be saying that simply because I am a Stephen King fan (currently trudging through the Stand).

Perhaps put down some dates or places. Maybe take a second look and start hacking away at unnecessary words.

In conclusion, 5.800 words is a bit of a mouthful. I should know, when I first started writing... I spun 10,000 words a week. I had the motivation, I didn't know what the heck I was doing. Shorter is better and it took me 7 years to figure that out.
 

Charlaux

Senior Member
I will take a shot at offering an opinion on this, but feel that to give a proper opinion I’d need to print it off and get my five pack of highlighters out.

First, I’ll start by complimenting a very unique, literary voice, and by saying that it caught me from the first couple of lines. The first story was startling, and the sudden twist had a powerful effect of pivoting the story efficiently and dramatically. There was a lot of conjuring. It works very well here, but at other times it’s quite disorientating, like the sudden introduction of the first person -

She has struggled with premonitions, and they typically do not fail to underline the threats she has come head to head with often. The image of the man with the knife haunted her, as if some terrible curse was laid upon her. The best way to defeat an enemy, is to believe he is your friend.

Everything has withered, dried up, & become a void of dispersion. The hatred, the anger, the force of his mind or the dark ink scribbles that I can't simply muster anymore.

- left me wondering if a new story was beginning, the story was being reported by a narrator, or whether it was two different, simultaneous stories, maybe even from different people.

There are moments where it’s like drinking a melted chocolate bar because of the complexity and density of your ideas. The changes and flashes of different images and ideas are also more erratic. Is this a stream of consciousness, recollection, or an omniscient narrator? There are so many ideas and emotions that I’ve lost your character in them. I don’t know what they’re feeling because they’re feeling too much, if that makes sense. It’s overwhelming, and because of that each description doesn’t have the effect and impact it deserves, and would achieve if the story was… stretched… a bit.

This bit:

The nightmares went away for at least one year after the man who resembled her attacker had gone away, or at least stopped existing in her eyes. It had all come together almost as if strung up on some horrid Shakespearean play. First, she picked up this winchester pocket-knife on the ground, and then she meets this tall man who admires it and the knife and him end up going missing. Then she gets a call that he's dead but she swears he’s back in town. The ominous drug lord or vampire take your pick. She had a dream about him, surrounding by lightning bolts. But everywhere she goes, the nightmare she had haunts her still. Normal people call this paranoia, but what about the dreams that came true?

This felt like another case of another story interrupting the first. The same character, but a different story.

'How do you know I’m mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,” said the Cat. 'or you wouldn’t have come here.” Lewis Carroll

Those voices beckoned her to shrill loudly, chaotically, beneath the evanescent sky. Voices, those terrifying taunting sounds, those identities and with her face came a new persona every day of the year. Her madness was unmatchable to the stars who poked their eyes lifelessly out every night, to see what the world was up to. Maybe Jesus Christ himself heard voices, or maybe he could heal her of them—someday, one day. He'd dip her into that holy water and absolve her of the sins that left her selfless, selfish, confusing. She'd crumble into his arms.

^ Is that passage describing Alice’s experiences or the narrator’s?

You have awesome sentences, and awesome ideas, I was just overwhelmed with the intricacy of it. Except for the first part of the story, which was crystal enough, I couldn’t keep track of what had happened to who. Are these separate stories by different narrators?
 

distorter

Senior Member
I'm coming in here late, as well. But the short piece of prose I read COULD be made clearer. It jarred me around. I couldn't settle into it.

When I read something it needs to take shape with grace. That doesn't mean that what I read has to be long and involved, it just can't move so abruptly from one image to the next without any clarity.

You DO have something here. You just need to harness the details in between the major events.
 
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