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Different Love (1 Viewer)

GSBoktor

Member
Different Love

My father is a tall man
lean-limbed and a little
out of reach

He pulls a sweater over me
shakes his head
pinches his lips
pulls over a different sweater or
a button up
some knee-long khaki shorts
Velcro lace sneakers
navy down jacket
this goes on

I see the tremor in his fingers when
on our scrappy little balcony
he smokes and sits and rakes
his nails through his hair
I don’t know if he’s praying
or laughing
at the sorry misery
that is our kitchen sink
crusted and clogged
from when we wash our hair out
with old dish soap
he rinses my scalp
and the water trickles down
my forehead
onto my knuckles
and I remember him
humming
so I hum

Back inside he tosses the tags
his fingertips are red-raw from
clothing me

We are in church now
dressed and clean and the fluorescents
white-hot in the lobby
my father wipes his forehead
with the Ross receipt
and stalks a tray
of holy oil capsules
rubs one into his palm
and puts it up for me to see

The linework grooved
glistening
the Lord’s work

I stare at his hand and imagine
what it would look like
with mine in it
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petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi GSBoktor - excellent poem, nice to meet you, welcome to WF. I really like this. Brilliantly observed detail, the end and beginning tie together superbly, I could go on, well, for a long time. Great to have you here. I'm really looking forwards to seeing what else you write. Great poem, all the best PG
 

rcallaci

Staff member
Administrator
This is a lovely heartwarming poem about the love and bond a father has to a child. There's so much in his poem -- many scenarios form in my mind- what a good poem dies. Welcome to the showcase, hope to read more of your work..
 

Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
I really enjoyed the feeling in this poem. There are a lot of things to ponder, lots of nooks and crannies to explore. Lovely!

Welcome to the Showcase. Hope to see more from you, here.
 

jenthepen

Staff member
Mentor
A child's love and reverance for a father who is slightly out of reach - this poem is rich with admiration and love, run through with an almost imperceptible sigh of sadness. A beautifully nuanced study of love through a child's eyes.

Welcome to the poetry forum, GS. :)

jen
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Rightly so I agree that this is a lovely piece of work, their is an intimacy which should be inherent in all poetry, that is in my opinion anyway.

That being said I fear that the piece feels like a series of vignettes rather than one coherent piece. I think there are two ways you could with this, for me you either take this scattering of fleeting moments and really run with it, deliberately make the piece feel disjointed. Or, you take one moment and expand it.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
Different Love

My father is a tall man
lean-limbed and a little
out of reach

He pulls a sweater over me
shakes his head
pinches his lips
pulls over a different sweater or
a button up
some knee-long khaki shorts
Velcro lace sneakers
navy down jacket
this goes on

I see the tremor in his fingers when
on our scrappy little balcony
he smokes and sits and rakes
his nails through his hair
I don’t know if he’s praying
or laughing
at the sorry misery
that is our kitchen sink
crusted and clogged
from when we wash our hair out
with old dish soap
he rinses my scalp
and the water trickles down
my forehead
onto my knuckles
and I remember him
humming
so I hum

Back inside he tosses the tags
his fingertips are red-raw from
clothing me

We are in church now
dressed and clean and the fluorescents
white-hot in the lobby
my father wipes his forehead
with the Ross receipt
and stalks a tray
of holy oil capsules
rubs one into his palm
and puts it up for me to see

The linework grooved
glistening
the Lord’s work

I stare at his hand and imagine
what it would look like
with mine in it
[FONT=&Verdana]
[/FONT]

This is such an intimate poem, I feel like an intruder... wow.... where to start... your imagery is perfectly balanced, very effective, but not over done... the message is poignant and ... sad... yeah, this poem left me feeling sad.... The Father took great care of his child's physical and religious well being... made sure his child had what was needed... but neglected his child emotionally... your first stanza and your last stanza was a heart breaking child's POV....

There is an honesty to this poem that made it unforgettable.... thank you for sharing...
 
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