Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Die Dreaming (1 Viewer)

RobbieO

Senior Member
I somewhat recently purchased a course on the website Udemy taught by a Nashville songwriter and wrote this song in about an hour and a half after completing the course. I am 30 years old and have a nervous disorder (disorder of the nerves, not 'nervous' as in anxious or apprehensive) that has always relegated me to being a social loner. I have, despite my most steadfast efforts, never had a romantic relationship, but I will about every 6 months have a dream that I am meeting a woman who I understand in the dream to be my soulmate and it is bliss. The dream is never the same, but in all the times I've had the dream, I have never seen her front side/face. Waking up to reality is soul-crushing. So I wrote this song about that dream, and I hope that it is still generic enough to be relevant to other lonely people as well.

I read something in the forum rules about not being critical? Please be critical! You have my consent. I'm not here for friends, I'm here for constructive criticism. Absolutely nothing will be taken personally and I will benefit nothing from false or sympathetic applause. Please don't set me up to fail, just call it like you see it.

"Die Dreaming"
Timbre: Acoustic Guitar, 6 string, finger picked
Tempo: Approx. 63 bpm


[Verse 1]
Since I was a younger man, I always did believe
Despite what people told me there could still be love for me
Every day I take in every sight and every sound
Like a breath beneath the ocean, she’s nowhere to be found

[Pre-Chorus 1]
Broken and defeated now it’s time again for bed
My only salvation is the life inside my head

[Chorus]
In the slumber I can see her, in the sunlight where she stands
She senses I am with her, and she warmly takes my hand
If I’m to find reprieve tonight, my heart just might stop beating
As long as I’m with her again, I hope that I die dreaming

[Verse 2]
I wish I didn’t have to wake up every now and then
I’d sacrifice my lonely life to be with her again
Perhaps she went before me and that’s why she isn’t here
I’ll close my eyes and fade away and maybe she’ll appear

[Pre-Chorus 2]
A disappointed setting sun bows down behind the clouds
A cold and unforgiving bed, my blanket for a shroud

[Chorus]
In the slumber I can see her, in the sunlight where she stands
She senses I am with her, and she warmly takes my hand
If I’m to find reprieve tonight, my heart just might stop beating
As long as I’m with her again, I hope that I die dreaming

[Bridge]
I only get to sense your presence in my sleep
and a Broken-hearted wakeup is all I get to keep

[Chorus 2 w/tag]
In the slumber I will see you, in the sunlight where you stand
You’ll know that I am with you, as you warmly take my hand
If I’m to find reprieve tonight, my heart just might stop beating
As long as I’m with you again, I hope that I die dreaming
As long as I’m with you again, I hope that I die dreaming
 

Underd0g

Senior Member
I know people get criticized for only praising and not providing critique, but I think this is a remarkable song.
I think it's fluid and interesting, especially with the back story.

If I were to comment on anything it would be to point out a word that always seems to make my poetry awkward, which is the word "did".
 

Underd0g

Senior Member
Ok, I came back after a while and the "did" seems appropriate to me now in this case.
Must just be a pet peeve.

But still, to do this in an hour and a half is pretty impressive.
 

RobbieO

Senior Member
Hey Underd0g,

Thanks so much for your feedback on this song. This is the first time/place I've shared it because I don't really air my personal feelings like this to friends and the like. And you never get an honest review from friends anyways. I've definitely taken down your thoughts and I could easily change "did believe" to "have believed" or something along those lines. I just remembered another song I wrote some years back which I never wrote down but I think I still know the words; I'll post that for jollies in a new thread.
 

Underd0g

Senior Member
Hey Underd0g,

Thanks so much for your feedback on this song. This is the first time/place I've shared it because I don't really air my personal feelings like this to friends and the like. And you never get an honest review from friends anyways. I've definitely taken down your thoughts and I could easily change "did believe" to "have believed" or something along those lines. I just remembered another song I wrote some years back which I never wrote down but I think I still know the words; I'll post that for jollies in a new thread.

I look forward to it.

Don't get discouraged for lack of responses in the lyrics section. It traditionally is kinda low participation.
I think I am basically posting for about three or four people, but when you find members that encourage you, it doesn't take many.
Heck, I wrote a great parody of Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten". I thought it was a hoot but I guess I missed my audience.
I had to trick my one responder into revisiting the thread.

https://www.writingforums.com/threads/178362-I-Am-A-Kitten?highlight=

I only learned enough guitar in order to play a little and when they asked for more, I'd modestly say, "No, not right now."
I think I could still play the harmonica. My Dad was a symphony musician, he must have been disappointed with me. Didn't show it.
But he was lucky, he had polio so his father wanted him to have a non-manual labor skill. My Dad was a performing musician at age six.
He performed in Rod Stewart's orchestra when his tour came through town.
 
Very nice. It's got real emotion, good structure, flow and a great hook line. This is my first post as I'm a new member, so I wanted to comment on lyrics that actually feel like song lyrics. Great job!
 
Top