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Dialogue/internal monologue beat (1 Viewer)

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EternalGreen

Senior Member
This is something new (to me) I'm trying. Usually I find it kind of noxious when other writers do it, but we'll see.

The following example didn't really work out, and I've struck it out of my MS. But it's illustrative of what I'm talking about.

Context: (if you care, which you probably don't) It's the 1800's, so two women holding hands in public is highly frowned upon. The protagonist, Joan, is getting tired of religion and society's rules in general. Keep in mind Joan is an overly-dramatic, highly sensitive character. She and her love-interest, Charlotte (also quite sensitive) are standing on a busy street.



She accepted Charlotte’s hand and then took the other.

A geriatric woman blocked her child’s eyes as they passed.

I don’t care.’

An adolescent gave a maggot-eating grimace.

I don’t care.

Churches crumbled in her brain.

I don’t care.’

One problem with this, I think, is that it's discordant with the rest of the MS. The above sounds too modern.

Does this kind of thing ever work, or does it always sounds bad?

I'm inclined to go with the latter. (I'm trying to decide if this rhetorical trick is worth my time.)
 

bdcharles

Wɾ¡ʇ¡∩9
Staff member
Media Manager
Arranging internal monologue or other prose into a rhythm using short "paragraphs."

Ah ok. I don't mind it. I think it shows character and mood well, regardless of the era. Only thing I wasn't sure of in the above was that "adolescent" and "geriatric" seem like quite modern terms.
 

TheMightyAz

Mentor
I think maggot-eating sound too modern there too. I'm not sure you'd find that phrase in any literature from the 1800s. I don't see any problem with the idea or the structure though.
 

Ralph Rotten

Staff member
Mentor
The scene could have worked...but you under-wrote it.
It is a line drawing when you should be painting a portrait.
 

EternalGreen

Senior Member
She accepted Charlotte's tear-smeared hand and then took the other.

An elderly woman covered her daughter's eyes, steering away the child's shoulders briskly and scoffing.

'I don't care.'

A youth curled one side of his lip as if beholding a rib-cage encrusted with maggots.

'I don't care.'

In the depths of Joan's mind, a peeling white church-steeple collapsed, the candles on its alter extinguished, eternally powerless to hold or ensnare her.

'I don't care.'
 

druid12000

Senior Member
She accepted Charlotte's tear-smeared hand and then took the other.

An elderly woman covered her daughter's eyes, steering away the child's shoulders briskly and scoffing.

'I don't care.'

A youth curled one side of his lip as if beholding a rib-cage encrusted with maggots.

'I don't care.'

In the depths of Joan's mind, a peeling white church-steeple collapsed, the candles on its alter extinguished, eternally powerless to hold or ensnare her.

'I don't care.'

The only issue I see is in the first two 'I don't care' statements, which could be confusing as to who is saying/thinking them.

Otherwise, I like the beat. I haven't seen it used too much in what I read so it's not become annoying.
 
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