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Depression (1 Viewer)

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
"Where rock bottom is the high"... yeah, I can relate.. anyway.. this , I love, and you expressed this in a really unique way, Thank you! Welcome to the fabulous poetry thread...
 

ned

Senior Member
hello,

just some thoughts -

the title leaves no leeway for the reader's interpretation - and is too clinical a term, really.

'high' evokes the wrong feeling here, for this subject.

Stop digging and climb - easier said than done, and a rather trite resolution.

Ned
 

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
Void life: shadowed pit
Where rock bottom is the high.
Stop digging and climb.

Four things:
  • The title is incorporated into the piece in such a way as to leave no room for interpretation. I would try for something less direct. Look for synonyms.
  • The first line seems cluttered with the semicolon. Maybe a comma would work, or a rewording of some kind.
  • the high is ... awkward. People usually use the phrase high point but that doesn't fit. Maybe look for synonyms.
  • The third line would be improved by putting the action that should be taken first.

I love the image of the bottom being above you, but I think you could convey it better. These are, of course, opinions and it is your work.
 

thewritepursuit

Senior Member
Thank you for the feedback. I'm open to any and all comments in the process of improving my work. Even when I don't take suggestions they at least let me think and get me looking from a different perspective. Usually I wouldn't explain my thought process to those who are commenting so they could take away whatever they want to take away from the piece (which is why the comments re: the title are very valid points), but I did want to explain something here just to see if it changes your views.

It isn't a semi-colon in the first line, but a colon, and a deliberate choice because I wanted to play up (while keeping subtle) the phrase 'Void life', which this way, to me, can be interpreted as simply life in a void, or the idea of life actually being voided out (as one might void a purchase at a register let's say - completely reversed).

Obviously the challenge becomes trying to work that feeling into such a short space and the colon was my attempt to do that. Almost making the first line read like a movie title... for example, "The Avengers: Age of Ultron".
 

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
My apologies, I'm visually-impaired so I mistook it. My sentiment stands, it needs more connection or it shouldn't be on the same line.
 

RHPeat

Met3 Group Leader
Staff member
Senior Mentor
This comment makes a lot of sense to me. Pick out some images in the poem and relate a depressed feeling to them.

  • The title is incorporated into the piece in such a way as to leave no room for interpretation. I would try for something less direct.

For instance: The words in red

Void life: shadowed pit
Where rock bottom is the high.
Stop digging and climb.


all might suggest a title like: — Lost In A labyrinth.

You get the idea anyway. So come up with something that leaves the epiphany of the poem to the reader and NOT defined for them before they even enter the poem. Make them stretch their imaginations a bit. The impact in the long run will be far greater. It's my feelings that poems should have levels of cognitive feelings to ascertain anyway. That as a writer you want to create a feeling in the reader by showing them where to go to have the experience. That's the job that only the real writer can do with their craft.

I also might add I have no problems with this metaphor

Void life: shadowed pit

The colon implies that both sides are equal. By doing this you take an abstract as "life" and make into a concrete as "shadowed pit". It's a direct metaphor as I see it. It's well done in 4 words.

a poet friend
RH Peat
 

escorial

WF Veterans
i like the way you bring a positive yet at the same time one feels the words used are kind of expressing highs and lows in the piece..it's a juxtaposition that i find really effective...i really like the way the few words relate to each other but have a conflict that only adds to the work...i look forward to reading this again and get another reaction with a different mindset..cool stuff
 
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