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depression inro paragraph (1 Viewer)

cassie30

Senior Member
As a woman who suffers from depression, I understand how others out there feel. It’s hard to say exactly when my plunge into depression began. But I was diagnosed at the age of eighteen. The depth of my depression seems to stem from my life.
 

cassie30

Senior Member
depression what i have so far

My father is an alcoholic and my mom was an alcoholic. My Grandma Katko died when I was eighteen. Life for me began taking a downward spiral when i was twelve. Even though I was taking dance lesson all of my closest friends had moved away.
Because of the downward spiral, I began to eat and eat to help drown my sorrows. Slowly I began to gain weight and began to hate myself even more. My life began to feel unfulfilled.
Just before I graduated high school I got my first job at Kmart in Somerset, New Jersey. There the sadness was replaced by anger. I was a very angry late teen and early twenty years old. After five and half years at Kmart I quit.
On January 21, 2001 I got a job at Stop and shop where I still work and today is seventh year I’ve been there. However in July 2001, a problem arose at work. The problem was I a made a comment to a co-worker that I needed a physiatrist and this had upset the customer I was dealing with.
Needless to say he complained to the manager whose name was Jay. Jay in turn called me into the office and told me what that man had said. After out conversation he personally helped me find a doctor who worked for charity care. However before that I tempted to commit suicide, I pulled out a knife and threatened to kill myself. My mom intervened and stopped me. After she stopped me I began to cry.
Needless to say therapy wasn’t easy at first. For me there were all kinds of self-denial. For a while I lived in fantasy world. Let’s face it for me the fantasy world was far better then the reality. Then a breakthrough came in therapy after a BackStreet Boys Concert.
 

abbeyd21

Senior Member
I think you need to write alot more before you start to really critigue it. I just recently had to write a paper in a similar fashion and it was a mess. Write out everything you want to say in some sort of form, then your gonna have to go back through and rearange things chronologiacally and explain some things in more detail and even leave some stuff out. So far it seems like you just have some ideas on paper and not too much structure to it. Put it all out there then start to structure it. Or if you know whatpath you want it to take try an outline.

I'm guilty of working the same way. I had a friend edit my current paper and it needs to be totally rearanged to make it truly coherant.
 

Wallmaker

Senior Member
Cassie30,

Wow. Brave of you to write this article and hopefully it will be therapuetic on your journey. I wish you all the luck.

As for the piece, right now these are tiny snippets and I feel like each sentence opens a door of your depression that you tempt us readers with, but don't quite explore. First of all, you have the first paragraph that covers alotta terrian: al alcoholic mom AND Dad, a deceased grandmother, a downward spiral at 12 and feelings of isolation. This along could be enough for an weighty and powerful article, but with the intro paragraph here, I'm not sure the effect of each event. A paragraph or story about living in a family of alcoholics, another paragraph explanation of attatchment to Grandma Katko. And I'm very curious about the downward spiral at 12, which could be it's own paragraph as well... describing what that was like at 12 and factors that contributed.

Later, you get into a longer section about the events on Jan 21, 2001, which is also compelling and might even work as a nice intro to show this climatic event and the resulting discovery of having depression. Of course, I think you can elaborate more in this section and give concrete details to put us readers in the empathetic moment of this very difficult period.

I really felt myself wanting to know about the mother coming in an interviening. Not only is it very compelling, but knowing the mother, an alcholic who contributed to part of the narrator's problem also must come in and, you know, be a mom, feels like a real moment of reveal about this family.

"Then a breakthrough came in therapy after a BackStreet Boys Concert." I know you haven't finished yet, and I'm not here to discuss musical selection, but I wasn't able to figure out if the breakthrough was because of the backstreet boys concert, or it's just a measurement of time. If it's the later, I don't think you need it.

Okay, I believe other feedback notes said to keep writing and see what comes out. Right now, what is coming out could use more flushing out and elaboration, but it is also compelling and heart wrenching. Keep at it and I hope this helps.

Cheers,
Kay
 
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