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Deliver Us of Evil (1 Viewer)

Black_Board

Senior Member
I have a confession to make Father, she says, sitting in the booth where dark shadows obscure her face. The hooded man watches her expression through the mesh screen and waves a hand, beckoning for her to continue on. She tells him how she killed her own sister; how it was her fault she’s imprisoned in her tomb.

She’s alive? Father says. Tell me more. She whispers how she loved her sister, and how she never meant to harm her in any way.

She shifted on her seat, holding something under a quilt spread. It moved. Her sin, she confessed, was inexorable jealousy. She was jealous of her younger sister’s good looks, her good grades, and the fact she won valedictorian during her sophomore years, while she had to ask a boy out for a prom party. Candace got all the new toys and the new cars, because she was missing a chromosome.

She had Turner’s syndrome and lacked ovaries. Infertile, she produced no eggs since she was an XO, and not an XX like the rest of the usual females. She was abnormal and sterile. That was the reason why their single mother fawned over her, giving her more attention than needed. She became spoiled rotten.

In college, Maurice gazed in the mirror, staring at herself. She stood naked, shower mist rising, angling left and right. The full body view of her breasts looked natural, and she questioned her mother’s motive of wanting her to downsize. Abstinence was the surest form of protection. Sex after marriage was the right thing to do. Father agrees. But when her mother turns a blind eye toward the string of boyfriends Candace brings home, Maurice has had enough. She hatches a plan to keep her sister down the path of straight and narrow.

She took Candace to a bar, when she turned twenty-one, and forcibly made her sibling to drink. She egged her on with her boyfriend at the time. So drunk, Maurice left Candace there and left. The next morning, Maurice found her young sister passed out in a ditch with her clothes disheveled and her skirt pulled up. When Maurice finally brought her home, she saw that her panties were missing and there were bruising on her inner thighs, as well, as around her neck. Scared, she called her boyfriend and told him what had happened.

And what happened, asks the Father. I didn’t think of it until she told me she was pregnant.

How is that possible if she doesn’t have any ovaries?

She must’ve been implanted with someone else’s seed. So she couldn’t tell anyone, not even our own mother. Her belly grew. I felt horrible, guilty. I was supposed to take care of my own sister; instead I let her down, leaving her in the gallows to fend for herself—all by herself.

Who’s the father of the child?

I don’t know. But our mother knew, she had a mother’s instinct and she knew my sister was pregnant. She pulls me aside and tells her that she wants her to abort the child. But she’s catholic? Why would she say something like that when she believes abortion is murder?

So did she?

I told her to seriously think about the consequences. Yes, that’s what Maurice told her little sister. Maybe she shouldn’t have, maybe that would’ve saved the child, but when the idea was implanted in her, it was already too late. Maurice came home one night and heard the bathtub running. She went to the door and knocked. When no one answered, she pulled it opened and witnessed something horrifying.

Blood ran down the walls, smeared on the sink, and filled the bath water with pink shade. Inside the bath, Candace had her legs spread and the fetus of a child in her hands. The umbilical cord was still attached, but the child—my dear God, the child was blue in its face, stillborn, lifeless. Candace pull the knife out of the little boy’s heart and looks up at Maurice.

After the funeral, Maurice watched her sister sleep. They’re secret was safe with them. She walked over to her side of the bed and placed a plastic bag, black as midnight, over her face and strangled her to death. She buried her sister next to her dog in the backyard.

The child? Was it still alive?

She glances up through the screen mesh, weeping. She unfolds the quilt comforter from the still body. Please, father, you can save it, can’t you?

I shall try, he says.

He leaves the confessional booth and bundles the baby boy in his arms. He heads to the holy water and sprinkles it on the pale body. Back in her step-mother’s arms, the boy’s eyes open.
 
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Caragula

Senior Member
A few concerns. I think the point of view changes at least once from one sentence to the next, which is disorientating. There are also examples of statements appearing contradictory, at least on first read, such as the knife being pulled out of the foetus then it being alive in the confessional, also telling the father she's killed her own sister then the father asks if she's alive.

I was also confused by Maurice wanting to save her sister then a few paragraphs later suffocating her and burying her. It's hard to buy the motivation from what's there.

It doesn't read too badly but there's the odd thing such as 'Maurice left Candace there and left.' The last two words are redundant. Try and be clearer on the point of view within paragraphs and it will read a lot better.
 

Serenade

Senior Member
Caragula definitely hit the main issues I had with the piece. Also, dialogue demands quotations. ie:

I have a confession to make Father, she says.

As opposed to:

"I have a confession to make Father," she says.

Besides the point of view switching mentioned above, the tense switches erratically as well. You use past tense when Maurice describes the events leading up to her sitting in the confessional, but you use present tense as well in these recountings, like when she's looking at her self in the mirror. Also, the bloody walls and sink seem to make no sense to me. Did she go cutting into her womb in front of the mirror before realizing that she'd be more comfortable be in the bathtub? And then did she decide to touch everything along the way?

Another issue is your main character. Not to sound harsh, but she confuses the hell out of me. I honestly don't know whether she's completely insane, or just astoundingly dumb. Like Caragula mentioned, she says she wants to save her sister to make up for leaving her to get raped in a ditch, that she feels guilty...then she suffocates her. To preserve their secrets? If that's her idea of 'saving', she'd make a terrible super-hero. Also, what's up with her taking the fetus to the priest? Are they living in a city or town where priests are known to bring back the dead with a healthy sprinkling of holy water?

You definitely need to do some heavy re-editing on this. I think you could have a pretty scary narrative, seeing as a fetus coming to life because of holy-water would make me cry and scream to the skies why God allowed such a thing to happen. It's just so muddled with mistakes that we can't get anything from it except from the mistakes. Hope that helps, and if you need some pointers don't hesitate to ask. Good luck!
 
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dlaurent

Senior Member
There are a few things here...

Firstly, yes you need talking marks.

Secondly, I find the story has such potential but that there is little effort in the description. Such powerful settings and devastating choices being made by characters and yet it seems as though they are all skipped over too quickly, as though you're rushing to the end. Also I feel their is a little confusion in your choice of tenses. I find you tense tend to switch from past to present without warning.

I have a confession to make Father, she says- present

She shifted on her seat - past
Also if you decide to use present tense then this sentence:

"In college, Maurice gazed in the mirror, staring at herself," would be acceptable.

However before this point your story has slipped into past tense. Consequently you need to use past perfect tense which would read:

"In college, Maurice had gazed in the mirror, staring at herself." If an event as happened way in the past before the character visits the priest (which at that point would also be in past tense) past perfect tense from should be used.

You have some very strong images in this story which would work well if you expanded on your exposition, placed greater emphasis on suspense and made more explicit the character's emotions/ motivations (perhaps through inner monologue)


Hope this is useful - Goodluck :welcome:
 

bazz cargo

Retired Supervisor
A good start to a story that is in need of some technical tweaking. You could consider changing Maurice's name for something more feminine.

I'm not sure how being implanted with anyone's seed is going to produce a pregnancy in an ovary-less person. You would also need an egg. Also without ovaries, Candace would need hormone treatment or she would need to shave three times a day.

There are a few SPaG nit; nothing criminally bad.
I enjoyed reading this
Thanks
Bazz
 

ImTDM

Member
this is great, being a Catholic myself I find it very accurate, with the murder in it as well I think it could be the next ​Da Vinci Code please keep writing this =)
 
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