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Deja Vu (1 Viewer)

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qwertyportne

Senior Member
She found herself watching him across the crowded room. His face and the way he moved sparked a distant, yet familiar chord, a sense of deja vu. Had they met before?

She changed her position to get a better view. He wasn't tall, dark or handsome but somehow attractive. Even in the dim light she could see strands of silver decorating his medium-length brown hair. He might be in his late thirties or early forties. Could he be one of her fellow classmates at Richmond High or State University?

She walked to the bar and felt his eyes following her. Had he also recognized her? The anticipation of renewing an old friendship was suddenly replaced with the exciting prospect of romance.

While she ordered her drink, he rose and began walking toward the bar. He moved with an agile grace through the dense crowd. As he approached, his eyes seem to penetrate her thoughts. She tried to avoid his gaze, but could not. His directness was inescapable, his interest obvious.

Would she like to share the next dance with him?

His voice was soft but clear, suggesting a friendly and intelligent mind. She heard herself accept his invitation. As they danced, he moved his hands expressively when he spoke, carrying hers along with them.

When he spoke, his eyes roamed from her face to the surrounding crowd and back again. When she spoke, his eyes let her know she was the center of his attention.

The wrinkles at the corners of his mouth and eyes appeared only when he laughed or grinned. They were obviously the product of frequent and broad smiles rather than age.

She and he fell silent for a moment while the music and the lyrics replaced their conversation. It was an old song. She had heard it before.

Sometimes things that happen for the first time
seem to be happening again...


He was a stranger but seemed curiously familiar. She was certain they had met before. She softly echoed the lyrics as they danced arm in arm.

But I can't remember where or when...

Nothing in his conversation indicated they had met before. Was this deja vu or wishful thinking? Was she remembering the past or the future? Somehow she knew that yesterday and tomorrow were no longer important because tonight would last forever.
 

Smith

The Fox
Senior Member
Deja vu, in my opinion, is something that is difficult to truly show in writing. I've only seen it done well a few times.

This is one of those times.

Your story was simple yet carried a lot of meaning, especially that ending. The descriptions and actions of the characters really seemed to fully represent the feeling and idea of experiencing something before. Some familiarity. Well executed. I only noticed one thing, which is, "his eyes seem to penetrate her thoughts." Since it all is in past tense, I thought seem should be seemed, or am I wrong?

Anyways, I liked it. :)
 

qwertyportne

Senior Member
Thanks for the feedback and you're right: should have been "seemed to penetrate her thoughts." My plans were to make this be the first chapter of a longer story but I got busy with other things and decided I'd come back to it later. Then I discovered what people are calling Flash Fiction and thought maybe it would qualify.
 

pudding

Senior Member
I really, really love this.
Admittedly I am not a huge fan of fast fiction, for the reason I like to get to know a character and go on their adventure with them in a length novel. However, that was not the case this time. I fell in love with this women right away; the way she narrated was so realistic, and the writing was enjoyable. As a teenager I am subject to YA romance but select what I read carefully whatever the age or situation. I would read something like this in a heartbeat.
 

TKent

Retired Chief Media Manager
Very nice! It had a very subtle, dreamy qualify that I liked a lot.

I am writing a romance novel and frankly conveying the feelings around attraction are hard to me! I read what I write and it sounds so cheesy...
 

Itachi

Senior Member
I agree with Smith, this was done very well. you could feel the familiarity in the writing. Especially loved the line 'He wasn't tall, dark or handsome but somehow attractive' so refreshing to read.
 
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