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Days of Fog - New Idea, First Paragraph (1 Viewer)

HumanYoYo

Senior Member
How does this sound? Good 'ol honest feedback is always appreciated. :topsy_turvy: (Ok, three paragraphs... )

These were days of fog, seeped up from the marshy fields and stream beds, from over the Pacific, from all directions. Every morning I stepped out on my porch and looked down toward the ocean, and the lowlands would be hidden under a sea of mist, spotted with ghostly patches of firelight and generator-light where people carried out their lives, each separated by stretches of darkness.
During the summers, some of the patches would mobilise into a convoy and join together. Then the accumulated group grown larger would also glow brighter – the people in larger numbers must have felt more relaxed giving away their location in light... Memories from long gone generations of unity and order were being accessed once again, as if all the glowing patches of humanity in that valley could join together as in days of old.
Some years, that large group would stay together through the winter and into the spring, and on days when the sun burned through the fog, rare as that was, I could make out through my binoculars circles of tents and dirt roads, buildings falling apart at the seams along asphalt cracked and potched by time, old trucks and trailers long since demobilised and scavenged for parts.


...Written while listening to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jTg-q6Drt0 ... :)
 
Last edited:

QDOS

Senior Member
Post apocalyptic era I guess. You asked for feedback so I hope you don’t mind I’ve taken liberties and played around a bit, dropped a few adverbs and conjunction plus a bit of over wordiness.

[FONT=&Verdana]These were days of fog, seeped up from the marshy fields and stream beds. Joined by a hazy vapour that leaked in from the Pacific. Every morning I stepped out on my porch and looked toward the ocean, the lowlands hidden under a sea of mist. Within lay patches of flickering firelight and generator-light where people carried on their lives.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&Verdana]During the summers, some of the patches would link up. Then the accumulated group would glow brighter – people in larger numbers must have felt more relaxed in giving away their location... Memories from long gone generations of unity and order were being reached out for once again. As if all the glowing patches of humanity in the valley could join together as in days past.
[/FONT]
Some years, that large group would stay together through the winter and into the spring. On days when the sun burned through, rare as that was, I could make out circles of tents between the empty desolate buildings. Lining asphalt roads cracked and potholed, lay discarded trucks and trailers long since scavenged for parts.

Hope this helps...

QDOS
 

Higurro

Senior Member
I loved it! (And also have Reach for the Dead on my favourites playlist). I think it's fair enough to say that it's quite heavy on the adjectives, and I admit, I did have to read one or two phrases again because I tripped over them.

Also, I think I slightly preferred the original to the revised version posted above (sorry QDOS!)
 

jedellion

Senior Member
Hiya.


These were days of fog, seeped up from the marshy fields and stream beds, from over the Pacific, from all directions.

I would have said 'it seeped up'.

Every morning I stepped out on my porch and looked down toward the ocean, and the lowlands would be hidden under a sea of mist, spotted with ghostly patches of firelight and generator-light where people carried out their lives, each separated by stretches of darkness.

towards the ocean I think is more corrrect.

spotted with ghostly patches of firelight and generator-light where people carried out their lives, each separated by stretches of darkness.

perhaps.. spotted with ghostly patches of light, flicering orange from fires and the harsher blue white from electic generators. (do generators give off light?)



During the summers, some of the patches would mobilise into a convoy and join together.

Convoys make me think of long lines, not clusters. can 'a convoy' join together?



Then the accumulated group grown larger would also glow brighter – the people in larger numbers must have felt more relaxed giving away their location in light... Memories from long gone generations of unity and order were being accessed once again, as if all the glowing patches of humanity in that valley could join together as in days of old.

Some years, that large group would stay together through the winter and into the spring, and on days when the sun burned through the fog, rare as that was, I could make out through my binoculars circles of tents and dirt roads, buildings falling apart at the seams along asphalt cracked and potched by time, old trucks and trailers long since demobilised and scavenged for parts.

why do they separate again? its not clear why.

Interesting premise, sets up some questions. I do think it needs a tweak or tow, but it's engaging.


Jed.


 

johnl

Senior Member
I think the use of words to describe the view of the valley is good. Also the indication that something has happen that has made changes in the living conditions is good.
These are the two main ideas I get from the paragraph, but I do not know if I have gotten the correct idea of what the situation is at the beginning of a story.
It's suppose to be a first paragraph. I don't consider it as realistic first paragraph to use to get the reader to continue reading. But still the descriptions are good.

My opinion is that a location of the valley should be in the beginning. The word, Pacific, is used which helps. Something to show if this is on the west or east side of the Pacific could help.
Also an indication of what happen could help. Not necessary a complete explanation. This could be use to keep the reader reading to find out the details of what happen.
Also the one character can think something that has happen to himself/herself. This would also keep the reader reading to find out how this character deals with the situation.
 
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