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Daughter Nature (1 Viewer)

fossiliferous_g

Senior Member
I wrote this a long time ago and have revisited it several times in the last 10 years. It was an inspirational poem for me, and I never really thought about publishing. I'm not much of a poet, but that's probably why I'd like to get a taste of what others think about it. I'm under the general impression that rhyming and lyrical prose is relatively frowned upon, but I still love this piece and still want to hear an unbiased opinion.


Broken-hearted, diseased girl
Holding up this painful world
When she crawls
The world shivers
When she falls
We all die with her
She owns the sky
She learned to cry
Raped and beaten
By uncaring men
Lost in herself
For she’s no where to go
She calls out for help
But we are too slow
To save her from
What she will become
An endless battle, never won
Slowly she crumbles
From polluted air
And wear and tear
Toxins poured down
Her delicate throat
We laugh as she drowns
In her silicone boat
What happened to the way
That it used to be?
The little girl’s sick
She asks, “What about me?”
Everyone’s forgotten
The world is bought and
Paid for with pain
Innocence lost
We knew the cost
When we give
The girl no longer cries
But the way we live
The girl must die
 

ODaly

Senior Member
I wouldn't say that rhyming and lyrical prose, as you put it, are frowned upon so much as it is sometimes a misconception by some writers (usually newer poets) that it's the "right" way to write poetry. Which then leads to them trying to force their words into being a "proper poem" and sacrifice the overall quality of the piece in the process. I'm particularly jealous whenever I come across a piece by someone with a real head for language and patterns in combination because I write so differently.

As for your piece, I'd suggest (if it isn't against an intentional choice of yours) to add some punctuation. Some of the rhymes I saw were only caught afterward because I read it differently than you had paced the lines in your head. Also, maybe being a bit more conscious of beats through some of the lines that rhyme would really help tie them together. Most notably:

What happened to the way
That it used to be?
The little girl’s sick
She asks, “What about me?”

Maybe drop "she asks," since I think it'd be understood that the girl is the one asking the question. I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom, as I really did enjoy reading this poem. With such a sentiment, I can easily imagine how it could be an inspirational call to action, as it were. Thanks for sharing; I'd like to see what else you've got stored up.
 

Jane Martin

Senior Member
I would also like to see what other gems you've got hidden away. This one has a few rough edges but overall I like it. It held me to it, made me read every single word when sometimes with other work my attention doesnt hold until the end so I skim read parts then have to re-read.

I would suggest maybe tightening up the rhythm by adjusting your line breaks in places, for example:

To save her from what
She will become
 

Richard.E.Craig

Senior Member
Dear Jane, I genuinely like this poem. It is sad and powerful, it has the power of any good poem no matter how it is written. That power is the power to make an emotional impression on those who read it. You have most certainly succeeded in that.
Regards Richard
 

Martin

Senior Member
I would suggest uncapping every line, some stanzas, punctuation and finally fewer line breaks, e.g.

Broken-hearted, diseased girl
holding up this painful world;
when she crawls, the world shivers;
when she falls, we all die with her.

Also be watchful of repetitive word use.
 

fossiliferous_g

Senior Member
Thank you all for the great suggestions and the vote of confidence! I will try to play with punctuation, I knew posting it that it doesn't quite read the way it sounds in my head, so I'm glad for some help with that. I would like to post more poetry, it's my most personal work, and thus, it's the scariest to put out for review. How do all of you feel about free verse vs. particular styles (like Haiku or Sonnet)? Any opinions? Thanks again!
 

Richard.E.Craig

Senior Member
@fossiliferous_g, Hi fossiliferous_g , no this is not the Cardiff Giant.It is believe it or not the fossilised/atrophied remains of a man recovered from a bog on the Antrim Plateau in 1894.I have been on the hunt for this beast for a few years how. The main question arises is it a fake like the Cardiff giant from NY? There are many unanswered questions about this enigma,the remains disappeared in 1904 after a row about ownership. To my utter delight I found a reference to the giant in the RCS London Anatomy and Pathology lab archive. It is an amazing professional account and physiological examination of the remains. A stone section was removed from the side of his palm revealing an anatomically correct interior ! I am currently writing a book on the matter.
Regards Richard.
 

fossiliferous_g

Senior Member
Awesome Richard! I would love to see some of your writing on that. I'm actually a science writer by trade, and although I typically deal with spineless ocean dwellers, I'm always interested in the bog people. I saw one example in Archeology magazine where a soldier still had his red hair and a noose around his neck - the preservation was phenomenal. I actually had a chance to see the Cardiff giant at a farm-life museum in Cooperstown NY, back in 97 or 98. I can't believe people thought it was real, but I know how the mind can play tricks when it wants to believe...
 
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