Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Daily Bread Of Life!! (1 Viewer)

ozofeteam

Senior Member
Hard to find is the jar,
I am a lonely jaguar,
I am the hangover,
Pain rains in my puzzle,
Daily bread give unto me wise eyesight,
I try to be a cooker,
Smile does cost me,
I'm lost in the most of me,
Daily bread of my forgiveness,
Untie in me sadness,
Ain't no longer scenic,
Lost is my valise of life,
Sun of western mild give me a season,
For i grow up with a suggestion.
 

TL Murphy

Met3 Member
Staff member
Chief Mentor
Very interesting rhymes. I like the mix of end rhymes and internal rhyme.

The play in "The Lords Prayer" brings a certain gravity to the poem. I don't think the archaic "unto" adds anything. I would cut it.

Why the reverse syntax on the first line? It feels forced. Given the liberal use of internal rhyme in this poem, I think the endthyme here isn't worth forcing the line. Normal syntax would sound better:

The jar is hard to find
I am a lonely jaguar.

Strong poem.
 

Gumby

Staff member
Co-Owner
I like this, oz. I read it out loud and it has a good feel. For me, the only word that felt off was the ain't. I'm not sure why, maybe because it interrupted the solemn feeling that the rest of the poem gave me and it might just be a personal preference for me. I also think it could do with a few commas in some of the lines. Good poem.

Daily bread, give unto me wise eyesight,

Sun of western mild, give me a season,
 
Top