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Crimes Against Humanity (1 Viewer)

Egab

Member
Bit of a long read, and im in a hurry as always.

Im going to except a few thing that bothered me:
As for the prosecutors opening speech, I believe it should be a little more formal. Like:

"..you are here today to do one thing.." -> You are here today to accomplish one thing...

"...sitting just over there..." This sounds a bit informal too, but I understand why you used it. My solution would be : Sitting right over there, in this courtroom....

"...Very well then. Let’s get this started then, shall we?..." I believe one of those 'then'-s could be left out for a more fluid reading.

A few of the prosecutors questions are missing the question mark at the end.

After reading through the "my wife looked back and died" and the "many children died that night" I think im getting the picture XD

As Metallica would say Im creeping death.....

"SHEPARD
I did nothing to him that I didn’t do to myself. He is my flesh. He is my son. And besides, he came to life again three days later.

The crowd chuckles quietly. The defense attorney looks at the prosecutor and straightens his tie smugly." I liked that part, good.

But : "He came back to life in three days" May fit the speech style better.

"Thou shall not kill" The t was missing, I believe that was a typo.

"SHEPARD
If a child is taken from his father, does that father stop loving his child? Does the father forget his children, merely because they do not know he exists? Does the father neglect his children because they choose not to listen to him, and instead listen to those who would lead them astray?"
Another part I particularry liked. Good job.

All in all it was a fun read, good idea. But im not sure this would play well with a generic audience. Even tho I'm no Chrisitan, I got the references easily, but some others may not.....
 
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geminye

Senior Member
Thank you very much for your well thought out advice Wordweaver. I will certainly take that to heart. What would I do without your kind words? I don't think I could make it through the day without you. :)
 
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