Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Cries (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Pt 1 Grieving the alive

There are no words
I could
think of to drown
out your cries
have you ever
loved someone
so intensely

that you’d
wish for a
quick death.
Cold nights
numb and silent
Silent cries
children’s cry
would they ever
return to laughs
no gratitude on waking
the only relief from sleeping
Is a hope to never wake

Walking these four walls
in a place you were
once so loved and wanted
a living ghost
with no purpose
but to mourn past loves
and laughs that
they will return to just that
tell me have you grieved
someone still alive ?

..................................

Pt.2 Fair well

What if I never
spoke of you
or wrote of you
would that cause
me to feel any
less over you

I often thought
if I wrote of you
you’d be erased
but erasing you
means erasing
everything that I am

I couldn’t hate you
no matter the damage
instead I chose
to love myself with
more intensity

After all this is
a love story
a fair well
a goodbye

A painful ending
with new beginnings
new friends
new memories

A million wishes
a million hopes
a million dreams

A new me
fair well my love
my love fair well

J.h
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

This is a stark piece, strengthened by its brevity, for me I read this as a parent, struggling to deal with postpartum depression. Reading the piece in this way it’s simple and honest and doesn’t try to sugar coat this feeling of pain that the speaker must be feeling. For me on a technical note I would cut line three into two separate lines. I would also suggest that the idea of loving someone to death, while true strays into the realms of cliche. Is there a way of saying this without it feeling so obvious.

At any rate I really can’t wait to see how this piece develops.

Cheers for sharing

Syd
 

AnnieJay

Senior Member
I found this piece haunting (in a good way). I agree with Syd's comment of breaking up line three. I also recommend breaking up the last line. Thank you for sharing!

Annie
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Thank you everyone for your help, my feelings are still very raw, and I have only been writing for 3 weeks , thank you.

JK.
 

TheMightyAz

Staff member
Mentor
Wait a minute ... Have you ever considered combining this with 'Lovers'? A bit of re-jigging here and there makes it a perfect match.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
That could well be a thought, I have many stored , I will have a look and see what fits.
Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

JK.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Sometimes when I sit at night, after the children are asleep, I have time with my thoughts. It is very apparent that silence is full of answers.
The ground beneath falls away,
The weight in that moment tells me, that thoughts are the only thing that weigh absolutely nothing but paralyse you fully.

JK.
 

mybleedingkeyboard

Senior Member
“No gratitude on waking.”
I don’t know if the intent was there, but how many times have I woken up without the slightest of appreciation for the fact that I was able to wake up?

The world is an incredibly heavy place, but it’s beauty never ceases to exist! Great line that caused me to think even if how I interpreted isn’t how it was written.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Responding to TheMightyaz comment of JK,
I actually forgot for a moment, but I’ll keep it for some humour to the darkness.
 
Last edited:

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
“No gratitude on waking.”
I don’t know if the intent was there, but how many times have I woken up without the slightest of appreciation for the fact that I was able to wake up?

The world is an incredibly heavy place, but it’s beauty never ceases to exist! Great line that caused me to think even if how I interpreted isn’t how it was written.

Thank you, yes that was intended.
Waking seems a chore when it should be a reason to be extremely happy.
Getting through another day is like another week as minutes feel like hours.
 
Top