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Cordolium (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
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J.
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My thoughts on this, although it makes me cry reading it back, maybe just one person can save something beautiful by communicating better with each other.
If I ever made an abrupt poem then this is it, much like our ending.
I feared of writing about her because that means she’s gone.
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I’ve said before I like how raw your writing is, that makes it feel real to the reader, I think that is again the case with this piece, below I’ve left a few comments in line for you.

Hope they help

Cheers

Syd



I broke a million times
From words I never heard
Silence says more than
empty fucking words,
There is a really nice rhythm here, not sure about the repetition of “words” though
I am lost darling.
You left me numb
Paralysed from these
Empty fucking words,
Darling we both lost.
Again I’m not sure about the repetition of “fucking words” it feels raw and honest the first time, the second I’m not so sure.

The hours, days and weeks
turned years which
came with tears.
I like the image I’m just not sure about the rhythm, the rhyme of years and tears feels awkward
We laughed and cried
in our 2 am chats,
I wrote love letters and
bought gifts for you ,
even waited months for you.
Here the piece goes from tears to laughter and back, it just feels awkward in terms of how the narrative flows.
But you never cared,
you never fucking cared.
I felt I knew you like
you never left me
but you were never really mine.
The repetition of cared I feel is a little clumsy. I also think that “fucking” loses more impact each time you use it.
Oh I was a fool for you
a circus fucking clown ,
I guess that’s what
love drunk means.
Goodbye darling
you were never really mine. I do like the rhythm and flow here as we get towards the end, love drunk is interesting and I wish you’d built up to it throughout the rest of the piece, because it comes out of the blue to my mind.


J.
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

I’ve said before I like how raw your writing is, that makes it feel real to the reader, I think that is again the case with this piece, below I’ve left a few comments in line for you.

Hope they help

Cheers

Syd

Hi,

Thank you very much for your input.
The repetition i felt at that time was due to anger of those empty words.
I felt that in repeating it again it would show my anger. It is very much raw and unfiltered,
If I don’t say it how it is, I will be selling most importantly myself a lie and the reader a lie.
But I can also see your reason for why was it used again. I value your perspective.
Thank you again.

J.
 
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