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Conversations with my Mother (1 Viewer)

2020Syd2020

Senior Member





Conversationswith my Mother
Downgraded
from daily occurrences
casual/unscripted, the plot
unplotted,
meandered, followed a natural curve-
stitches threaded by hand and finger pricked
are now machine operated, tightly
sewn.
From pots of tea, slices of cake to
telephone calls, each morning calculated by alarm
set by muscle memory.
Dial tone
reception, a train of thought repeated
Line
by line, the day changes but the script hasn’t,
instead downgraded, to WhatsApp groups
instant messages,
not answered in an instant, but written


over time.
 
Last edited:

Darren White

co-owner and admin
Staff member
Co-Owner
Conversationswith my Mother
Downgraded
from daily occurrences
casual/unscripted, the plot
unplotted,
meandered, followed a natural curve-
stitches threaded by hand and finger pricked
are now machine operated, tightly
sewn.
From pots of tea, slices of cake to
telephone calls, each morning calculated by alarm
set by muscle memory.
Dial tone
reception, a train of thought repeated
Line
by line, the day changes but the script
hasn’t,
instead
downgraded, to WhatsApp groups
instant messages,
not answered in an instant, but written


over time.

I already welcomed you :)
And also welcome here in the Showcase.
This is a beautiful picture you have been drawing. Set with tenderness.

I give you only a few suggestions for words you could consider to remove.
But again, good poem!
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment here. Totally agree with those words removed. I actually thought that I’d kept this pretty sparse, but I guess that’s why we post on these forums because there is always something to be pruned.

Had a few issues with the formatting on this one, it doesn’t quite appear as I would have liked it, by that I mean that is the indentation in my version didn’t translate to the forum, any tips on this technical issue I’m having?

Cheers

Syd
 

Darren White

co-owner and admin
Staff member
Co-Owner
Whether it's indents, or space between words, we all suffer from that, but we have a workaround. Type as many ...... as you need, select those .... then, while the dots are still selected, choose the "Text Color" icon (the big A) in the icon bar above. Choose the color bottom right (white) et voilà, there is the space or indent you need.
 

apple

WF Veterans
I think clipping those word out would change the feel of the rolling of time. Less softness of the story. However, maybe the line, the day changes but for the script, -cut hasn't.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Afternoon all, thank you so much for taking the time to leave some solid feedback I’m working on a revision and will share as soon as I’m ready.

Cheers

Syd
 

De-Anna

Senior Member
Hi Syd,

I found this piece to be very touching. I agree with Darren and I particularly like the subtle use of rhyme. I think most of us can relate to this. Thank you for sharing.

De-Anna
 
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