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Confession (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
If you would say " I love you"
I wouldn't say it back.
If you would say "I care for you"
I wouldn't say it back.
But I would try to make you laugh,
when I would feel your heart so heavy,
I would be all ears to your words,
When I would know, the sentiments they carry.

For I love to live in this wordless zone.
Because words tend to give labels to feelings,
expectations prone.
So let's stay mates like this,
in this path,
till the destiny is not willing to take a turn,
And be the king and queen of the moments,
not a life time to yearn.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

There is a blunt honesty to this piece which I appreciate, for me the great strength of this is that the speaker isn’t hiding from the truth nor are they hiding this from the reader. Would breaking the piece up a little work to give the reader more time?

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hello,

There is a blunt honesty to this piece which I appreciate, for me the great strength of this is that the speaker isn’t hiding from the truth nor are they hiding this from the reader. Would breaking the piece up a little work to give the reader more time?

Cheers

Syd

Ok Syd. I will do that.
Thanks a lot.
 

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
I like this piece a lot. Silence is a lovely topic to delve deeper into. The second stanza is amazing.
For edits, I would say keep L2 and L4 shorted and don't repeat the quote from the previous line. I think just saying "I wouldn't say it back" would be enough.
Thank you for sharing!

-Annie
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
I like this piece a lot. Silence is a lovely topic to delve deeper into. The second stanza is amazing.
For edits, I would say keep L2 and L4 shorted and don't repeat the quote from the previous line. I think just saying "I wouldn't say it back" would be enough.
Thank you for sharing!

-Annie

Thanks a lot Annie
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
If you would say " I love you"
I wouldn't say it back.
If you would say "I care for you"
I wouldn't say it back "
But I would try to make you laugh,
when I would feel your heart so heavy,
I would be all ears to your words,
When I would know, the sentiments they carry.

For I love to live in this wordless zone.
Because words tend to give labels to feelings,
expectations prone.
So let's stay mates like this,
in this path,
till the destiny is not willing to take a turn,
And be the king and queen of the moments,
not a life time to yearn.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

Very nice Ritu, it’s actually really touching.
Keep it up. Xx
 

happy-hippie

Senior Member
If you would say " I love you"
I wouldn't say it back.
If you would say "I care for you"
I wouldn't say it back.
But I would try to make you laugh,
when I would feel your heart so heavy,
I would be all ears to your words,
When I would know, the sentiments they carry.

For I love to live in this wordless zone.
Because words tend to give labels to feelings,
expectations prone.
So let's stay mates like this,
in this path,
till the destiny is not willing to take a turn,
And be the king and queen of the moments,
not a life time to yearn.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
This is so beautiful, Ritu. I love it.
 
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