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Conditions (1 Viewer)

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
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J.h
 
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ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Silence dawns emotions
memories good and bad
tears flood
vision blurs
as the ink runs down
the fountain pen
crimson
wrists

Ink stains paper
blood stains
Imploding rage
flesh peeling
from bones
broken to dust
abhorrent mistrust

Life experiences
were no trip
to Disneyland
so pardon me
If I don’t fit
your cup of
fucking conditions

Swim against
the twisted
blade
or towards
my demons
Is this for readers
Or to keep me breathing

Toward my demons or the blade
Toward my demons it’s the same

Anything to
fucking feel
something
loving you
means losing me
I’m a lost boy
Goodbye.

Lost boys, lost children.
Damaged childhoods,
mishandled relationships.
One day this lost boy will tell his story
without crying and that day he will have
healed.

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J.

Hi J

Ink stains paper, emotions run on paper, life experience were never a Disneyland, pardon if I don't fit your cup of fucking conditions. Just loved it, touch of beautiful innovation in emotions..... I am a lost boy.

Thanks
Ritu
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hi J

Ink stains paper, emotions run on paper, life experience were never a Disneyland, pardon if I don't fit your cup of fucking conditions. Just loved it, touch of beautiful innovation in emotions..... I am a lost boy.

Thanks
Ritu

Thank you Ritu,
that means a lot really.

J.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

The emotion is here in this piece, there is a raw sense of power behind the words, I also like the syntax and the structure of the piece, it gives it a great cadence and impact when reading it.

Where I want more from this piece is, imagery unique to the piece and the speaker themselves. At times the imagery of this piece re-treads what I’ve read elsewhere, the bleeding pen, bones broken to dust. Where you have something is where you address the reader, breaking the fourth wall gives the piece life beyond its existence of a poem.

Play with that, are the emotions that of the poet or that of the piece? Why not play with this idea or how sharing poetry or any form of art thus creates a semblance of life, once it’s been birthed it can’t be unbirthed.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
Hello,

The emotion is here in this piece, there is a raw sense of power behind the words, I also like the syntax and the structure of the piece, it gives it a great cadence and impact when reading it.

Where I want more from this piece is, imagery unique to the piece and the speaker themselves. At times the imagery of this piece re-treads what I’ve read elsewhere, the bleeding pen, bones broken to dust. Where you have something is where you address the reader, breaking the fourth wall gives the piece life beyond its existence of a poem.

Play with that, are the emotions that of the poet or that of the piece? Why not play with this idea or how sharing poetry or any form of art thus creates a semblance of life, once it’s been birthed it can’t be unbirthed.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd

Hi Syd,

Thank you,
Your help is greatly appreciated
I will definitely take into consideration everything you have pointed out.
To be honest my raw emotions slightly cloud what could be amazing, but also I have little experience. Actually 4 weeks of experience.
Thank you for help.

J.h.
 
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