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Compilation Error ... (1 Viewer)

Gaurav

Senior Member

The debugger is on.
I set breakpoints every line.
Scanning and scanning
and scanning I go,
checking moments of my life.



My life crashes like that stupid code.
It never compiles at my will.
The semi-colons that I missed
haunt me every minute.



The schmuck that I am,
I never returned what I took from her.
She didn't expect much.
Just a pointer that appreciates her value.



The buggy code was like my wardrobe.
My unused junk of variables like my unused expensive clothes.
The space I allocated for them
stings me till date.



The test like my parents tried correcting me every time.



I, like my mundane assignment,
headless and clueless about my own memory.



The code ultimately crashed, like my life in general.
And I laughed it off,
because the debugger took over the code from me ...
 
Last edited:

aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
Read this discussion about free verse and this one about line breaks. Then come back and revise.

I think you have an amazing idea but your execution is not up to it and with a little thought and work, it could be vastly improved.
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans

Take a look at this. Basic formatting. Two minutes with a space bar and the enter key. Linear verses lump. Visually, as a reader, which draws your eye, which says poem?


The debugger is on.
I set breakpoints every line.
Scanning and scanning
and scanning I go,
checking moments of my life.

My life crashes like that stupid code.
It never compiles at my will.
The semi-colons that I missed
haunt me every minute.

The schmuck that I am,
I never returned what I took from her.
She didn't expect much.
Just a pointer that appreciates her value.

The buggy code was like my wardrobe.
My unused junk of variables
like my unused expensive clothes.
The space I allocated for them stings me till date.

The test like my parents
tried correcting me every time.

I, like my mundane assignment,
headless and clueless
about my own memory.

The code ultimately crashed,
like my life in general.
And I laughed it off,
because the debugger took control code.

Decent analogy, but execution and grammar are noticably lacking. And in the original presentation there is nothing that says poem. A disjointed monologue, yes. Poem, no. Poetry has elements of emotion, imagery, and structures that are very different than prose. Annie's link will get you on the right track. Right now you are in the brambles across the board...

A couple starting points: Address your format. Do a savage edit on the prepositional phrases and pronouns, (Do you need it, does the line function without it? Is the pronoun implied via carryover? These are questions you need to ask.), and invest a dash of originality. Your voice matters, bring it to the table. Lukewarm rants really don't leave much of an impression. You want the reader to believe it, you have to believe in it. Personalize. Consider playing emotions against the linear construct of the computer code analogy.

- D. the T.
 
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aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans

The debugger is on.
I would think this would work better if parts of it looked more code- or setting-like. A few options here. One is different font faces, another is colors and/or styles (bold maybe).
I set breakpoints every line.
Scanning and scanning
and scanning I go,
checking moments of my life.
sas and/or Darkkin will probably ding you for this but -ing words ... do you see how they change the tense of what you're saying from one line to the next? Try instead something like Scan and rescan or even condense it to (re)Scan. You might want the word examine instead of check[strike]ing[/strike] because the long a sound recapitulates the sound in scan.

My life crashes like that stupid code.
You might want a line break after crashes
It never compiles at my will.
The semi-colons that I missed
semi-colons is language-specific and may not be what you're looking for.
haunt me every minute.
Try dropping every minute. Or changing it to my every moment.

The schmuck that I am,
I never returned what I took from her.
She didn't expect much.
Just a pointer that appreciates her value.
Almost. Pointers don't appreciate -- they reference. Return is a value but it sounds like you're talking about allocations and freeing them. The issue is precision of terms. If you're going to use vocabulary, you have to use it correctly or it doesn't work.

The buggy code was like my wardrobe.
My unused junk of variables like my unused expensive clothes.
The space I allocated for them
stings me till date.
I think this is where you start to lose it the thread.

The test like my parents tried correcting me every time.

I, like my mundane assignment,
headless and clueless about my own memory.

The code ultimately crashed, like my life in general.
And I laughed it off,
because the debugger took over the code from me ...

I really see the potential in this. It sings to my inner geek and I want to see this work. The pun on appreciate works if you increment but you have to figure how to get that in there. Semi-colons? They're common but not universal--Python doesn't do them, for example.

You've motivated me to try something encapsulated ... watch the NaPoWriMo board for something -- I'm not sure what yet.
 
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Gaurav

Senior Member
Thank you for that detailed review.

I just want to clarify some things here. This poem was spontaneously written without much of thought. Sure, Python doesn't give syntax errors for semicolon.

The entire poem and the code ultimately crashing was a metaphor to depression where the guy literally surrenders to fate [debugger].

The 'she' in the poem can be assumed to be the protagonist's partner who was never given her share of respect. [That stanza didn't work. I wanted to say that the relationship was 'void' not because it was supposed to be that way, but he never returned what he took from here. Meaning the method expected a return type.]

I do realise this was hastily written and carelessly submitted without much thoughts. I wrote a poem literally after an year. I seem to have lost my touch. Hopefully I will write the next one soon and submit it only after neat revisions and edits.

Thanks!
 
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aj47

(he/him)
WF Veterans
it is okay that it was written in haste. The idea is, that you have a worthy concept that could be developed. This isn't school here--you don't have to revise if you don't want to. It is your poem to do with as you choose.

I'm in the midst of NaPoWriMo so I totally understand written-in-haste. I'm doing 30 poems in 30 days with the idea of going back and working on the worthy ones and pretty much abandoning the regrettable or fluffy ones.
 
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