Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Communication Gap (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
It was 2am, felt like inside my heart,
Something dropped,
And just then over my screen, a whatsApp message popped,
Aarav left the group!!!!
Aarav!!!, commander of the troop(the group)
Aarav!!! Centre of the loop ( the group)
Ever running fountain, for the droop ( the group)
Never would have sounded an exaggeration,
If asked from every single member for the explanation.

Not a single member was online or awake.
I started calling in their numbers one by one.
But nobody was there, to take.
What the hell!!!
Everyone had switched off the cell,
Enough to make goosebumps appear all over my body.
And links of memories appearing inside my mind, too cordy.

We both were schooltimes classmates,
And this string of childhood, was enough,
To relate.
One of the classmate had my number,
And launching of whatsApp, must have proved,
Some common destiny had to come in course of action,
So I was added to the school group.
Aarav, the shy boy in school times,
Had turned into a flamboyant personality.
His hilarious jokes, instant witty replies to the chats,
And involvement with friends in situations,
To help them in their times of adversity,
And of course giving special attention to me,
In the group, was enough to win my heart.
And school times memories did enough,
To create that bond of trust.

We both got engaged, though were already in live in.
And opportunities started existing, for different matters, to bring in.
Common thing between us, that could have made us, to go for each other,
Was, we both didn't have that tendency of getting judgemental for people, situations, so easily,
But, this great quality, inside both of us,
Didn't understand, why in company of each other, We both started losing so steadily
We both started with, getting judgemental towards each other for petty things,
Then bigger issues were, obvious to follow.
And started creating tunnels of silences inside us,
Hollow, more hollow.

And then I don't remember, when it happened,
We just stopped talking to each other.
And the walls of egos, reached the sky, that high,
We held them firmly, than crack them rather.
Three months like that passed in a way,
Interactions of silences, and no words to say.
And then my company asked me to move,
To Alaska for research.
And a few days earlier,
He had been out to some rural area,
Concerning his work,
Where, there was no possibility for mobile networks.
I sent the message, " I am leaving for Alaska" and also a bit of details.

I kept waiting for his reply, which never came.
And the ego witches, were doing enough to go for blame game.
Group, for my surprise, also became silent,
But I thought, absence of Aarav could be the reason pertinent,
Then I thought, Aarav's rural area project might have extended.
To carry-on the escapism from initiation,
I didn't leave any logic unattended.
I got too busy, and with few aquaintances I got attracted,
I tried to have couple-moments with them,
But got depressed more,
And my mind this time, didn't go, in for more logics, to explore.

I had stopped trying communication with Aarav,
But was subconsciously waiting for him, forever.
As if the cold spark would get wind, to make it, a fire someday, but die never.
But there was no scope for this thought in my mind, if he was alive or not,
As if there was an unspoken agreement,
That he wouldn't leave this world,
With me, till he hadn't talked.
As he was silently aware, I would be waiting for him, the reason could whatever be.
But now when corona had already binged on lives, too many
And I had seen so many healthy ones, leave the world before me,
Apprehensions were not letting my mind,
That free.
For three continuous hours sitting in an upright position,
Memories appearing like screensavers in my mind,
And the chillz of fear of mishappening,
Were not behaving that kind,
That, finally at 5 am,
Another whatsApp message popped,
"Prachyut added Aarav"
And Aarav entered the chat with the message,
"Guys after years back with network,
So back here again,
And I am here for explanations for reasons to refrain"
And I could see his call coming on my cell,
To tell that sparks have been blown by wind for fire again,
And for Aarav's part to tell,
Some other time I would fill ink in my pen.


Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - thanks for the message. Yes i can see what you mean. I like the poem it is good but can see why you might think it would work better as a short story. In its current form I tend to agree. For the core of the poem is good but there are lots of words and maybe even whole sentences, that when put in a poem dilute its power. So if you wrote it as a short story you could keep all of what you have written and add to it. As a poem I think it would certainly still work (and does at the moment) but would be made stronger by focussing the writing, making it shorter, more powerful. The tone is very conversational (which I like) and written a bit like a story, but this means there are probably lots of words that you don't maybe need. You could do this by taking out words or parts of sentences that are understood naturally even when not there. Or also make the reader do some guessing. This can be a good method, for when the reader has to 'reach' to grasp your meaning and then understands, fills in the blanks, they have a satisfying 'aha' moment. Another way of doing it is taking a sentence or stanza and thinking of how you could write the same information but in a short imaginative way, through using metaphor or other poetic device. These are just some ideas. They might not fit for your purposes in this poem though. If you want i can give making an edit a try to show you some of what i mean, but only if you want.

So I think it might work better as a short story as you say, or you could keep it as it is, or try and make it more streamlined and powerful by cutting or changing some bits, from a few words to a fair bit. It all depends on what you prefer and think best. Its your poem Ritu. Good luck. Hope this helps, cheers PG
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - thanks for the message. Yes i can see what you mean. I like the poem it is good but can see why you might think it would work better as a short story. In its current form I tend to agree. For the core of the poem is good but there are lots of words and maybe even whole sentences, that when put in a poem dilute its power. So if you wrote it as a short story you could keep all of what you have written and add to it. As a poem I think it would certainly still work (and does at the moment) but would be made stronger by focussing the writing, making it shorter, more powerful. The tone is very conversational (which I like) and written a bit like a story, but this means there are probably lots of words that you don't maybe need. You could do this by taking out words or parts of sentences that are understood naturally even when not there. Or also make the reader do some guessing. This can be a good method, for when the reader has to 'reach' to grasp your meaning and then understands, fills in the blanks, they have a satisfying 'aha' moment. Another way of doing it is taking a sentence or stanza and thinking of how you could write the same information but in a short imaginative way, through using metaphor or other poetic device. These are just some ideas. They might not fit for your purposes in this poem though. If you want i can give making an edit a try to show you some of what i mean, but only if you want.

So I think it might work better as a short story as you say, or you could keep it as it is, or try and make it more streamlined and powerful by cutting or changing some bits, from a few words to a fair bit. It all depends on what you prefer and think best. Its your poem Ritu. Good luck. Hope this helps, cheers PG
Hi PG
I definitely want you to edit it, I was already confused whether I should have posted it as poem here or not, then I thought there is no other way, to ask for suggestions or advice, so I posted it as it is in poetry form.

Waiting for your suggestions ( Of course, please do with your convenience of time)
Thanks a lot for your reply

Ritu
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - no problem, I'll get to it and have something in the next couple of days, most likely before, all the best, cheers Ritu, PG
 

petergrimes

Senior Member
Hi Ritu - I've made a new version to show you some ideas and so you can see how it looks. I've changed a fair bit but its a big poem so much has stayed the same. Its your poem so don't worry if it doesn't work for you. Take what you like. I tried a few bits where I changed a few lines to show you other ways that you might have done things. Other parts I've cut some words. I'll explain on the side why I thought to do things. Just thought it might give you some ideas. You can decide against them, or if you really wanted you could look how you could change other parts of the poem (or future ones) using some of the thoughts. Its entirely up to you. I don't mind. Hope this is some help, all the best, cheers Ritu - PG


communication gap - some suggestions enacted

At 2am, inside my heart, - got rid of some words
dropped, - dropped drop down so it has dropped onto its own line
just then upon my screen, a whatsApp message popped,
Aarav left the group!!!!
Aarav!!!, commander of the troop (the group)
Aarav!!! Centre of the loop (the group)
Ever running fountain, for the droop (the group) - found this funny I like this,
Never an exaggeration,
If every member asked for explanation. - I just trimmed away lots of words, see what you think, you can always put them back

Not a single member was awake.
I called their numbers one by one.
But nobody was there to take.
What the hell!!!
Everyone had switched off!
Goosebumps rose upon my body. - again I've trimmed off words and changed a few
Linked up memories appeared inside my mind, too cordy.

We were both classmates,
This string of childhood, was enough,
To relate.
A schoolfriend had my number,
whatsApp launching, must have proved,
Common destiny had set in course a chain reaction,
I was added to school group. - swapped some things round, trimmed some words etc

Aarav, the shy boy in school times,
Had become a flamboyant personality.
His hilarious jokes, instant witty replies to the chats,
And involvement with friends in situations,
To help them in times of adversity,
And of course giving special attention to me,
Was enough to win my heart.
And school time memories did enough,
To create that bond of trust. - more of the same added stanza break

We got engaged, though together we were already living.
Opportunities started existing, for different matters to bring in.
Common things between us, made a special fit
We didn't have that tendency,
Of judging people, or situations so easily,
- I found this a bit hard to understand, change it to suit your meaning if I've gone wrong

But this great quality, inside us both, - okay in this stanza I've added some different poetic ideas. See what you think
Turned like the tide, changed with the clocks - if you like this sort of thing you can use it more if not get rid of it
We started getting judgemental for petty things,
Then bigger issues followed, like the flood from fallen rain
Pouring down tunnels of silences we made inside us,
Hollow, more hollow. How much remained?

I don't remember, when it happened,
We stopped talking to each other.
Walls of egos, reached the sky, that high,
We held them firmly, didn't crack them.
Three months like that passed away,
Interactions of silences, and no words to say.
Then my company asked me to move,
He was on a new rural job, - again I've cut some words, thought yo leave alaska as a surprise
Where, there was no possibility for mobile networks.
I sent the message, " I am leaving for Alaska".

His reply, it never came. - haven't changed much in this stanza
And the ego witches, were playing the blame game.
The Group, to my surprise, went silent,
But I thought, absence of Aarav could be the reason pertinent,
His rural area project might have extended.
To carry-on the escapism from initiation,
I didn't leave any logic unattended.
I got too busy, and then
with few aquaintances I got attracted,

I tried to have couple-moments with them,
But got depressed more,
And my mind this time, didn't go, in for more logics, to explore.

I had stopped trying communication with Aarav, - left all this the same, all good
But was subconsciously waiting for him, forever.
As if the cold spark would get wind, to make it, a fire someday, but die never.
But there was no scope for this thought in my mind, if he was alive or not,
As if there was an unspoken agreement,
That he wouldn't leave this world,
With me, till he hadn't talked.
As he was silently aware, I would be waiting for him, the reason could whatever be.
But now when corona had already binged on lives, too many
And I had seen so many healthy ones, leave the world before me,
Apprehensions were not letting my mind,
That free.
For three continuous hours sitting in an upright position,
Memories appearing like screensavers in my mind,
And the chillz of fear of mis-happening,
Were not behaving that kind,
That, finally at 5 am,
Another whatsApp message popped,
"Prachyut added Aarav"
And Aarav entered the chat with the message,
"Guys after years back with network,
So back here again,
And I am here for explanations for reasons to refrain"
And I could see his call coming on my cell,
To tell that sparks have been blown by wind for fire again,
And for Aarav's part to tell,
Some other time I would fill ink in my pen.


Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

Yes so its a good poem, I've come to like it more and more from analysing it, and working with it (and I liked it before), see what you think, all the best, cheers PG
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi PG,
Lovely!!! I would wait for your reformed version. And please dont mind if I get informal some times, it's inherent part of nature, I find hard to avoid.
Really appreciate your highly commendable efforts, I mean, I too don't find myself capable of doing that with work of others.

With all gratitude,

Ritu
 
Top