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Comedy Script - Please Critque And Comment (1 Viewer)

Ethan IV

Member
Int-Office-Day

Jack Couger stares at an empty office, daydreaming. His secretary, AMY comes in.

Amy

Jack?

Jack

What?

AMY

What are you doing?

JACK

Just thinking. I mean yesterday, the company was nothing. Then it seems like just overnight. . .we grew into something huge. And now we're going public tomorrow. I've been waiting for this for years.

AMY

Well, you deserve it.

JACK

Maybe I do.

Jack reassures himself and smiles.

JACK

Yeah, I've worked my fingers bloody for six years. I do deserve this.

AMY

Yeah, you do.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

Jack(uncomfortable)

Let's turn on the television.

He clicks on the Television. The news is on.

News Anchor

George Rentz was recently arrested today for assaulting a pregnant woman after she refused to quote, "Lend him a little sugar." Rentz is the Vice President of the Herrington Global Company, which is going public tomorrow. Charges are being pressed.

AMY

Oh my god.

JACK

We're going to need a new publicist.

CUE OPENING SEQUENCE

Int-Office-Day

Jack, Daxson, and Gary all sit in the office thinking of solutions to their dilemma.

GARY

I think it's clear what we have to do.

DAXSON

What's that?

GARY

We have to start outsourcing.

JACK

We're trying to improve our public image, and sending jobs out of America isn't going to do that.

DAXSON

But it will help our overseas sales.

JACK

We don't have any overseas sales, we're an American based company.

DAXSON

Well, then let's make the Americans know we're on their side. A giant advertising campaign.

JACK

Actually, that's a pretty good idea. It'll do well to combat the recent indictment of George.

GARY

I don't think any amount of advertising will make the public forgive us.

DAXSON

Maybe not, but what if we have an American Weekend, where everything in the store is a dollar!

JACK

We'll lose money.

DAXSON

But we'll gain their trust.

JACK

I like that idea.

GARY

Whose trust are you trying to gain, the board members or the people's? Cause let me tell you, if you plan to crap away millions on a trust campaign the people may be happy but the board will be pissed.

DAXSON

I'll start coming up with concepts for the campaign.

JACK

Good idea.

GARY

I think you two should heed my warning.s

JACK(Sarcastic)

Yeah, I'm really afraid of Gary's warning.

GARY

Remember Cassandra from the Iliad?

JACK

No.

GARY

Cassandra had a gift and a curse. She could see the future-she always knew what would happen-but her curse-no one would believe her. They would think she was crazy.

JACK

I don't understand. Are you saying you're Cassandra?

GARY

Well. . .kind of-not exactly. . .

JACK

That's an old Egyptian wives' tale, Gary, you're crazy.

GARY

It's actually Greek-it's by Homer. He was truly a great writer and he was blind on top of all that.

JACK

That just shows how fake it is right there-how would a blind man write a story?

Jack walks out.

Int-Hallway-Day

Jack and the others leave the boardroom. Amy walks up to him.

AMY

How did it go?

JACK

Well, I guess it went. . .good.

AMY

You look good. You wanna go out sometime?

JACK

Aren't you married?

AMY

That's never stopped me before.

JACK

Wow you're husband's really lucky to have you. I bet he does nothing but shower you with gifts.

AMY(Joking around)

My life's glamorous, what can I say.

JACK

I wish mine were as glamorous as yours. If I don't do something about George the whole company's going to go under.

AMY

The whole going public thing was sort of dampened by the whole pregnant lady assault thing. Hey, I'm sure the public won't blame the company for his actions.

JACK

Yeah. We have to establish that we are no longer going to affiliate ourselves with George Rentz.

George Rentz comes into the hallway followed by a reporter. He comes to Jack.

George

This is Jack Couger.

JACK

What are you doing here?

GEORGE

Well, I brought her-what's your name brows?

Elizabeth

Brows?

GEORGE

You've got thick eyebrows.

ELIZABETH(Annoyed)

I'm Elizabeth Heigelman, I'm a reporter.

GEORGE

She's here to clear my name!

He holds his hand out for a handshake. Jack looks at the reporter and shakes his hand.

GEORGE

Jack Couger and I, B.F.F.!

JACK

B.F.F.? I thought you were in prison. . .

GEORGE

Well, I found it was illegal to conduct business from prison, and business is my life, so I called J. Daxson and had him pay the five million dollar bail with some company funds, and wrote it off as a business expense. Hey, how's a business going to function without the vice president?

George looks at Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH

Mr. Rentz, aren't you worried that your actions may have jeopardized the company?

GEORGE

What does that mean?

Elizabeth

I mean you used company funds to bail yourself out of prison and you assaulted a woman.

GEORGE

No, what does jeopardized mean?

Jack holds his head in his hands.

JACK

Oh my god. . .

Elizabeth walks around George and looks at Jack and Amy.

ELIZABETH

You're cute.

Jack(embarrassed)

Thanks, I get that a lot.

ELIZABETH

I was talking to her.

AMY

I'm a Republican.

INT-BOARDROOM-DAY

Jack pulls George into the office and closes the door on all the press. He looks around. The office is empty, so he continues.

JACK

Are you crazy?

GEORGE

What?

JACK

You assault a pregnant woman and then have the nerve to waltz back in here and bring the press with you!

GEORGE

I didn't mean to assault her.

JACK

You said, "lend me some sugar baby," to her.

GEORGE

You know I'm diabetic! I needed sugar or I could of passed out.

JACK

Your diabetic?

GEORGE

Well I'm working on it. I had a whole birthday cake this morning, and I figure if I continue that diet I should be diabetic in less than a week.

Jack stands there silently for a second trying to wrap his mind around what George just said.

JACK

You're fired.

GEORGE

You can't fire me without asking the board first.

JACK

You mean Daxson and Gary?

GEORGE

I mean the giant board of investors.

JACK

No, you mean Daxson and Gary, because all the investors left after you attacked a pregnant woman.

GEORGE

In my defense, she just looked fat, I didn't know she was pregnant!

Int-Bar

Jack drinks, slumped over, depressed. Elizabeth sits next to him.

Jack(Noticing Elizabeth)

Oh. . .you. . .

ELIZABETH

I didn't pick you for a heavy drinker.

JACK

Well, surprise!

ELIZABETH

I'm not trying to threaten your company.

JACK(REALLY DRUNK)

Well, isn't that a relief.

ELIZABETH

How many drinks have you had?

The bartender looks at Elizabeth.

Bartender

He's drinking ginger ale.

JACK

This ginger is ailing me!

Jack starts laughing hysterically.

ELIZABETH

Give me a shot of tequila.

JACK

What do you have to be drinking about?

ELIZABETH

I have to follow George Rentz about all day for the next three months.

JACK

You're gonna need more than a shot.

ELIZABETH

So what's bothering you, Jack?

JACK

My life is a failure.

ELIZABETH

It's a republican America, everyone's life is a failure, except the rich.

JACK

I'll drink to that.

ELIZABETH

And we drink!

Elizabeth and Jack put there glasses together, then they each take a sip.

JACK

Cheers.

ELIZABETH

There's nothing cheerful about it.

JACK

Well, there's always tomorrow.

ELIZABETH

That there is, my friend-that there is.

END
 

BlackWolf

Senior Member
Comedy? Are you sure you know what that word means? It's pretty good, but I don't think it's comedy. Slightly absurd, yes. Would maybe work as a subtle sitcom.

Hang on, I'll write it as a proper script.
 

Ethan IV

Member
Yeah, its more of a drama-comedy (dramedy), not many actual 'jokes' in there, I think it should be reworked a bit to include a few jokes.

It's also meant to be a bit surreal, campy and over the top lol.

And thanks heaps of the critque!
 

BlackWolf

Senior Member
Int-Office-Day

(Jack Couger stares at an empty office, daydreaming. His secretary, AMY comes in.)

Amy: Jack?

Jack: What?

AMY: What are you doing?

JACK: Just thinking. I mean yesterday, the company was nothing. Then it seems like just overnight. . . we grew into something huge. And now we're going public tomorrow. I've been waiting for this for years.

AMY: Well, you deserve it.

JACK: Maybe I do.

(Jack reassures himself and smiles.)

JACK: Yeah, I've worked my fingers bloody for six years. I do deserve this.

AMY: Yeah, you do.

(There is an uncomfortable silence.)

Jack(uncomfortable): Let's turn on the television.

(He clicks on the television. The news is on.)

News Anchor: George Rentz was recently arrested today for assaulting a pregnant woman after she refused to quote, "Lend him a little sugar." Rentz is the Vice President of the Herrington Global Company, which is going public tomorrow. Charges are being pressed.

AMY: Oh my god.

JACK: We're going to need a new publicist.

CUE OPENING SEQUENCE

Int-Office-Day

(Jack, Daxson, and Gary all sit in the office thinking of solutions to their dilemma.)

GARY: I think it's clear what we have to do.

DAXSON: What's that?

GARY: We have to start outsourcing.

JACK: We're trying to improve our public image, and sending jobs out of America isn't going to do that.

DAXSON: But it will help our overseas sales.

JACK: We don't have any overseas sales, we're an American based company.

DAXSON: Well, then let's make the Americans know we're on their side. A giant advertising campaign.

JACK: Actually, that's a pretty good idea. It'll do well to combat the recent indictment of George.

GARY: I don't think any amount of advertising will make the public forgive us.

DAXSON: Maybe not, but what if we have an American Weekend, where everything in the store is a dollar!

JACK: We'll lose money.

DAXSON: But we'll gain their trust.

JACK: I like that idea.

GARY: Whose trust are you trying to gain, the board members or the people's? Cause let me tell you, if you plan to crap away millions on a trust campaign the people may be happy but the board will be pissed.

DAXSON: I'll start coming up with concepts for the campaign.

JACK: Good idea.

GARY: I think you two should heed my warnings

JACK(Sarcastic): Yeah, I'm really afraid of Gary's warning.

GARY: Remember Cassandra from the Iliad?

JACK: No.

GARY: Cassandra had a gift and a curse. She could see the future-she always knew what would happen-but her curse-no one would believe her. They would think she was crazy.

JACK: I don't understand. Are you saying you're Cassandra?

GARY: Well... kind of - not exactly...

JACK: That's an old Egyptian wives' tale, Gary, you're crazy.

GARY: It's actually Greek - it's by Homer. He was truly a great writer and he was blind on top of all that.

JACK: That just shows how fake it is right there - how would a blind man write a story?

(Jack walks out.)

Int-Hallway-Day

(Jack and the others leave the boardroom. Amy walks up to him.)

AMY: How did it go?

JACK: Well, I guess it went. . .good.

AMY: You look good. You wanna go out sometime?

JACK: Aren't you married?

AMY: That's never stopped me before.

JACK: Wow, you're husband's really lucky to have you. I bet he does nothing but shower you with gifts.

AMY(Joking around): My life's glamorous, what can I say.

JACK: I wish mine were as glamorous as yours. If I don't do something about George the whole company's going to go under.

AMY: The whole going public thing was sort of dampened by the whole pregnant lady assault thing. Hey, I'm sure the public won't blame the company for his actions.

JACK: Yeah. We have to establish that we are no longer going to affiliate ourselves with George Rentz.

(George Rentz comes into the hallway followed by a reporter. He comes to Jack.)

George: This is Jack Couger.

JACK: What are you doing here?

GEORGE: Well, I brought her - what's your name, brows?

Elizabeth: Brows?

GEORGE: You've got thick eyebrows.

ELIZABETH(Annoyed): I'm Elizabeth Heigelman, I'm a reporter.

GEORGE: She's here to clear my name!

(He holds his hand out for a handshake. Jack looks at the reporter and shakes his (George's?) hand.)

GEORGE: Jack Couger and I, B.F.F.!

JACK: B.F.F.? I thought you were in prison. . .

GEORGE: Well, I found it was illegal to conduct business from prison, and business is my life, so I called J. Daxson and had him pay the five million dollar bail with some company funds, and wrote it off as a business expense. Hey, how's a business going to function without the vice president?

(George looks at Elizabeth.)

ELIZABETH: Mr. Rentz, aren't you worried that your actions may have jeopardized the company?

GEORGE: What does that mean?

Elizabeth: I mean you used company funds to bail yourself out of prison and you assaulted a woman.

GEORGE: No, what does jeopardized mean?

(Jack holds his head in his hands.)

JACK: Oh my god. . .

(Elizabeth walks around George and looks at Jack and Amy.)

ELIZABETH: You're cute.

Jack(embarrassed): Thanks, I get that a lot.

ELIZABETH: I was talking to her.

AMY: I'm a Republican.

INT-BOARDROOM-DAY

(Jack pulls George into the office and closes the door on all the press. He looks around. The office is empty, so he continues.)

JACK: Are you crazy?

GEORGE: What?

JACK: You assault a pregnant woman and then have the nerve to waltz back in here and bring the press with you!

GEORGE: I didn't mean to assault her.

JACK: You said, "lend me some sugar baby," to her.

GEORGE: You know I'm diabetic! I needed sugar or I could of passed out.

JACK: You're diabetic?

GEORGE: Well I'm working on it. I had a whole birthday cake this morning, and I figure if I continue that diet I should be diabetic in less than a week.

(Jack stands there silently for a second trying to wrap his mind around what George just said.)

JACK: You're fired.

GEORGE: You can't fire me without asking the board first.

JACK: You mean Daxson and Gary?

GEORGE: I mean the giant board of investors.

JACK: No, you mean Daxson and Gary, because all the investors left after you attacked a pregnant woman.

GEORGE: In my defense, she just looked fat, I didn't know she was pregnant!

Int-Bar

(Jack drinks, slumped over, depressed. Elizabeth sits next to him.)

Jack(Noticing Elizabeth): Oh. . .you. . .

ELIZABETH: I didn't pick you for a heavy drinker.

JACK: Well, surprise!

ELIZABETH: I'm not trying to threaten your company.

JACK(REALLY DRUNK): Well, isn't that a relief.

ELIZABETH: How many drinks have you had?

(The bartender looks at Elizabeth.)

Bartender: He's drinking ginger ale.

JACK: This ginger is ailing me!

(Jack starts laughing hysterically.)

ELIZABETH: Give me a shot of tequila.

JACK: What do you have to be drinking about?

ELIZABETH: I have to follow George Rentz about all day for the next three months.

JACK: You're gonna need more than a shot.

ELIZABETH: So what's bothering you, Jack?

JACK: My life is a failure.

ELIZABETH: It's a republican America, everyone's life is a failure, except the rich.

JACK: I'll drink to that.

ELIZABETH: And we drink!

(Elizabeth and Jack clink their glasses together, then they each take a sip.)

JACK: Cheers.

ELIZABETH: There's nothing cheerful about it.

JACK: Well, there's always tomorrow.

ELIZABETH: That there is, my friend - that there is.

END


Lots of loose ends in this. Only works as part of something - a sit-com, as I said, or some sort of soap opera.

Funny in places, now I look over it again. Might come across better when acted out.
 

kupo

Member
Hey. Decent script. It does have a few funny parts but in general it needs to be tightened up. There are a lot of basic grammatical errors ("could of" should be "could have", "your diabetic" should be "you're diabetic," etc.)

Aside from that, you need to write visually. This is really important. Unlike a novel, the viewer/reader is not able to infer things unless it's presented visually. For example, you write "Jack reassures himself and smiles." What does someone reassuring themselves look like? You need to rewrite this and a few other phrases so that they are visual and I can form a picture in my head of what that would actually look like.

The dialog needs to be tightened up considerably. Be absolutely ruthless and cut out as many words as humanly possible. You have a lot of back and forth dialog where nothing is actually being said; you're just having the characters echo phrases to each other. Read it out loud and see how the dialog flows naturally.

Work on those things and you'll have a nice taut story that has some good funny moments. Best of luck to you.
 

mammamaia

Senior Member
sorry, but neither of those is a properly formatted script... you need to look at some real ones to see how they're done... if you want help, email me and i'll send you some info on the basics and a format guide... basically, it should look like this [but the dialog would be indented, which i can't do here]:

INT. OFFICE CORRIDOR - DAY

PRESS PEOPLE mill around. Jack opens the door to the boardroom, looks in to see if the room is empty, pulls George in with him and closes the door.

JACK
Are you crazy?

GEORGE
What?

JACK
You assault a pregnant woman and then have the nerve to waltz back in here and bring the press with you?

that's what a film script would look like... tv sitcoms are a bit different, but still not at all like samples above... here's a typical sitcom format:

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE CORRIDOR - DAY

PRESS PEOPLE MILL AROUND. JACK OPENS THE DOOR TO THE BOARDROOM, LOOKS IN TO SEE IF THE ROOM IS EMPTY, PULLS GEORGE IN WITH HIM AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

JACK

Are you crazy?

GEORGE

What?

JACK

You assault a pregnant woman and then

have the nerve to waltz back in here and

bring the press with you?

hope that helps... hugs, maia
 

Linton Robinson

Senior Member
Formatting is not a big deal, especially if you are working with some guy on YouTube. If you are going to submit as a spec somewhere, just get a free word template and use that...it takes care of that stuff automatically.

You problem is in the content. It's flabby and screws around instead of cutting in to the crux. And the exposition is ham-handed.

Sorry to be blunt. But take a look at it.

Just thinking. I mean yesterday, the company was nothing. Then it seems like just overnight. . .we grew into something huge. And now we're going public tomorrow. I've been waiting for this for years.

She's his secretary and doesn't know that 1. they're going IPO the next day 2) he's been waiting for years 3. The company grew overnight 4. That might be what he;s thinking about?


Any script that starts of with
Jack?
What?
What are you doing?

Is on quick trip to the shredder.

AND...it's all so predictable... even given the raw expo and non-characters.

Think about using lines that aren't expected.

AMY
Gee, wonder what's on your mind today?
JACK
I'm just replaying the 1921 World Series in my head. It's seventh inning.
AMY
My boyfriend does that so he can last longer in bed.
JACK
Really? Does it work?
AMY
Depends on which of us you ask.
JACK
OK, OK, I MIGHT have been thinking about our IPO. The one tomorrow. The one that'll turn us into paper thousandaires.
AMY
Not much to show for six years of semi-hard work.
JACK
How would you know about hard work? You're a sectretary.
AMY
I wasn't going to tell you turn on the news, but just for that...
She switches on a radio news show....


See what I mean? You can't just wobble along...you have to move the story wile also giving the characters some personality and also ENTERTAINING PEOPLE along the way.

Now about that newscast
George Rentz was recently arrested today for assaulting a pregnant woman after she refused to quote, "Lend him a little sugar." Rentz is the Vice President of the Herrington Global Company, which is going public tomorrow. Charges are being pressed.
Convenient timing for exposition, but try listening to some actual news and see what it looks like.



ANOUNCER
...Vice President of Herrington Global. The victim, who is pregnant, claims Rentz told her, "I'm going to pack more meat in you than a cold locker in deer season." There is not comment from Herrington, a local Fish Fucking firm whose initial public stock offer is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
FEMALE COMMENTATOR
Boy, I thought I'D heard all the scumbag lines, Chainsaw.
ANNOUNCER
You probably have but didn't remember them all, Shelley. Think they might be planning a quick meeting or two up at Herrington tonight?
FEMALE COMMENTATOR
I'd bet on it. Wonder who'll get Rentz's parking place?
ANNOUNCER
Which reminds me...Chopper Eight says the 605 is a parking lot from Covina to Timbuktu. Might want to get out and walk....
FEMALE COMMENTATOR
That's what Rentz said to her when she turned down his meat packing offer.
ANNOUNCER
You've heard that one too, huh?....

See what I'm saying here? But even if you go for the straight blurb...they don't read like that. Check it out.


J
ACK: Cheers.

ELIZABETH: There's nothing cheerful about it.

JACK: Well, there's always tomorrow.

ELIZABETH: That there is, my friend - that there is.

Tell the truth to yourself (we don't matter...you do) Would you tune in for a second episode of something that ended like that...empty, trite, cliches about nothing?

HOW MANY things could Elizabeth say instead of just saying nothing at all?
Keep telling yourself that.
You hope.
Film at eleven.
That's what the Captain of the Titanic thought.
etc.

You can't just walk through a dramatic scene. You have to WRITE it. And REWRITE it. Things have to HAPPEN. Lines have to entertain. Characters have to be more than jobs with names.

Read some half hour sitcoms, see how they do it. Go through this train wreck and take the lines out, one by one, and replace them with something you thought about. Then go to the next line.

I'm sure it isn't any fun reading this, and maybe it doesn't matter because you don't have to sell it. But if you are going to write scripts, you need to learn how.

Good luck
 
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