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Colour (1 Viewer)

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
The Colour

The Deniers,
They call me a colour,
They haven't discovered yet,
Since they haven't discovered me,
They don't approve my existence in this world.

The Fearful,
Then came they,
Who said, that they have discovered me,
But they don't find my existence definable,
So they chose to bury me,
Beneath some unbreathable dust.

The Acceptors,
Then came they,
They discovered me, they found me definable,
But their voices were crushed,
They were declared blind, to discover and define me,
But they are still striving, because they feel me.

Me, The Colour,
Choose to tell you
I am happy, that I am this colour,
I approve of my existence.
I know first thing about myself,
That even if I am the first one to see my own colour,
It has brought glitters in my eyes,
And I won't let anyone take away that from me.
I am a colour of the Universe,
And Universe knows my purpose,
And get enough guts to ask Universe about my purpose,
Before questioning my existence.

I Am a Bold Colour
And I will love myself till eternity

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
 
Last edited:

Elenxes_II

Senior Member
I really like the flow of this piece, and the rhythm the words created. For instance, the repeat of They/Then in the first three really tied it together.
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

Really appreciate the central conceit of this and the way in which you present the speaker to the reader, definitely strengthens what feels like an, “otherness,” to the reader, you can almost read literature into this piece, a poem for instance has one particular meaning to the author, an intent, but once presented to an audience interpretation means that meaning becomes something different to each person that discovers it.

Where I struggle with the piece is that I find the use of, “theys,” and the multi variants of, “they,” within the piece to be confusing and a stumbling block for me as a reader. I kind of get what the speaker is saying but I find that it has become a little muddled and could be clearer.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Syd. I will wait for other readers to respond. Because l, myself as a reader, is not feeling that way, but may be because I wrote it.
 

Darren White

co-owner and admin
Staff member
Co-Owner
Hi :)
Syd is right. The amount of 'they' is overwhelming, and it becomes hard to follow.
The poem is a bit confusing. I think you personify colours. Maybe it would be a stronger poem if you would focus on the message you are trying to give your readers, without mentioning 'they'. Difficult, I agree, but it can be done.

 
Last edited:

stony

Senior Member
I think the "theys" are understandable but it's a little rough getting through them. One suggestion is to think of a metaphor or a unique title for each "they" and use that. Like "deniers" or "the fearful". Something like that. You have a good piece in the works but it could use a little clarity.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
Hi Stony. I liked your suggestion. I will try, do this way. It is so nice that you read it with all focus and put your effort on thinking about how this piece could come better with nice options. Thanks .

Ritu
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
They call me a colour,
They haven't discovered yet.
Since they haven't discovered me,
They don't approve my existence in this world.

Then came they, the other they,
Who said, that they have discovered me,
But they don't find my existence definable,
So they chose to bury me,
Beneath some unbreathable dust.

Then came , they, other than previous others.
They discovered me, they found me definable,
But their voices were crushed.
They were declared blind, to discover and define me,
But they are still striving, because they feel me.

Me the colour,
Choose to tell you,
I am happy, that I am this colour.
I approve of my existence.
I know first thing about myself,
That even if I am the first one to see my own colour,
It has brought glitters in my eyes,
And I won't let anyone take away that from me.
I am a colour of the Universe,
And Universe knows my purpose.
And get enough guts to ask Universe about my purpose,
Before questioning my existence.

I am a Bold Colour.
And I will love myself till eternity.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal
I am sending here the revised version, incorporating suggestions from great poet and reader Stony in my poem. Thanks a lot Stony, Darren and Syd.
 
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