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Cold (1 Viewer)

freebyrd32

Senior Member
It was never going to be this cold again. That was the last thing he heard on the radio before it cut out. He was alone now in his box. Watching his breath blow into the space between the walls.

He wondered how long it had been since he had eaten. He wished he could starve. He had tried but everytime he felt like he was waiving the last great gift. Why that bothered him anymore he was not sure. It was a gift he no longer wanted. His survival was nothing more than an obstinate piece of shit seeded by the beast of nature. It would not be subjugated.

The last time he had tried to eat. They had tried to eat. He had gone out in the cold. The first time he had gone out since the last of the furniture had burned. The earth stood still. Frozen in time forever. It had never been that cold. He could hardly move with the blankets wrapped around his body and bound with duct tape. When the wind started he was sure he would never make it back. Sure she would starve. Waiting. Wandering why in the end, he had deserted her.

When he returned her haggard eyes were the most wonderful thing he had ever seen. They cried for him. They cared for him. Then they filled with horror at the carcass in his hands. It was all he could find in the short trip. It would have been small and frail in life. It would be small and frail in mouth as well. He wished he had never found it.

After a few days they began to cut and tear the pieces of flesh away. They waited. Then they cried. Then they ate the rigid flesh in small pieces. Then it was gone.

They waited. Nobody ever came.

When she died he carried her body to the bedroom at the end of the long hallway. He laid her down in the bed and tried to wipe away the dirt from her face with his frozen fingers. Then he sat in the corner and waited for the dark. Prayed for the dark. He found only carnal instinct. A carnal beast.

Now he survived where nothing else lived. For months he would go to the room at the end of the hall. He would touch her face. He would cry. Then he would pray again for darkness. Everytime he would live with the beast.

Now she had gone as well. He knew now he would never be without her. He would never abandon her. She was alive in his blackened flesh. And she would walk with him into the snow. Into the wind that had raped the skin from his eyelids. She would walk with him into the cold and finally…into the dark.
 

terrib

Senior Member
Dang, I feel cold just reading this...lol Just a few suggestions:

I was never going to be this cold again. (I think this would be a better hook than it...it personalizes it and makes the reader want to find out more...besides who's to say how cold it will ever be again) And then if you wanted to use the line about the radio...I would add the temperature...30 below or whatever...or I would leave the radio out altogether.

2nd paragraph....too many sentences starting with he...he wondered...he wished...he had (rewrite those)

I don't think you need the words they or she italicized.

my fav-Into the wind that had raped the skin from his eyelids....:)

Good job, freebyrd!

 

Verum Scriptor

Senior Member
I have to disagree with terrib. I was never going to be this cold again.... That is first person, the rest of your selection is in third person.

I did a quick read and one thing made it rough for me was the number of times "he" appears. I know this can be hard to get away from in first person (I have the same problem myself). You have to be creative, take a look at each sentance.
 

Bilston Blue

WF Veterans
Wandering why in the end, he had deserted her.

When using wandering, or wander, with reference to a thought process, it means the thoughts are incoherent or rambling; his thoughts here seem quite coherent. I would use 'Thinking why, in the end, he had deserted her.'

Second to last paragraph, second line: Everytime - should be two words instead of one. Apologies if this is simply a typo.

I like this piece. It's dark (and cold and windy, too) and atmospheric. The style of writing is minimal, simple descriptions in short sentences, and this adds to the feeling of the cold.

Brrrrrr!
 

Sync

Senior Member
hello

the first line.

you wrote:

It was never going to be this cold again - 'this' in a past tense should be fixed especially as your first line, that would stop an editor. Watch out for passive speech/narration 'was' is a key point to watch, its over-usage makes a show story into a tell story.

Short sentences, though sometimes they pound a point home, sometimes they run a reader out of breath because of the stop/go movement. They also can be often joined into one flowing sentence, which keeps the readers attention. I am not against clipped sentences, but when they overcome a story, it should be looked at again.

As for the story, I think you could add a bit more, it tells me this without empathy, so I don't feel the support that I should for his cause. It wouldn't take much to fix, often just a simple reworking.

Thank you for the read

Sync




 

Kordain

Senior Member
i wasn't really hooked into this as some of you guys were. i can see that it is cold, very cold but why? as a reader i need some conflict what is he trying to do besides survive? i, as a reader want to know why is it so cold? is it some sort of climate problem? what? if it is just as cold as another winter how come he can't get any sort of aid? is the government gone? is it a nuclear winter? is it disease? i individually want to know these things before i can keep reading.
 
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