Writing Forums

Writing Forums is a privately-owned, community managed writing environment. We provide an unlimited opportunity for writers and poets of all abilities, to share their work and communicate with other writers and creative artists. We offer an experience that is safe, welcoming and friendly, regardless of your level of participation, knowledge or skill. There are several opportunities for writers to exchange tips, engage in discussions about techniques, and grow in your craft. You can also participate in forum competitions that are exciting and helpful in building your skill level. There's so much more for you to explore!

Cloudy Night (1 Viewer)

Tree

Member
A Cloudy night
Deep darkness
A flash of light
Left to right
Slowly fades
Returns brighter
A bit tighter
No Longer will I Fight Her
Rocky shores
Or open doors

-------
First poem I have ever written. I like the way it turned out so I wanted to share it. I would appreciate any honest feedback.


Update:

A cloudy night devoid of all light
A man sat upon a wooden dinghy
A gust of frigid wind whistles all around
A flash of hope moved left to right
A siren's song that keeps calling
A path to rocky shores
 
Last edited:

Darkkin

WF Veterans
As a first try it is perfectly functional...however...

There is a huge amount of rhyme shoved into a very finite area, which seems to function solely for the sake of rhyme instead of lending imagery or function to the piece. Rhyme can be a new poet's greatest frenemy when it is not tempered, overpowering everything else in a piece. Rhyme for the sake of rhyme serves no purpose and just because something is a poem does not mean it has to rhyme, in point of fact, with a majority of poets, it has the effect of limiting vocabulary. Essentially it is akin to cutting one's self off at the knees creatively for no reason. e.g. cloudy night, not overly original, it leans toward generic, functional but not anything that will really distinguish it to a reader.

Keep the core of the piece but lose the rhyme. Look outside the box a little with language. I'm not saying dive head first into a thesaurus, but play with different adjective combinations to strengthen the message and imagery.

e.g.

Clouds shroud
deepen the night
a distant flash

fades--

only to return
brighter, harsher

no longer will I fight...

Surrender the rhyme to clarify the message and build a bit of imagery...

- D.
 
Last edited:

happy-hippie

Senior Member
A Cloudy night
Deep darkness
A flash of light
Left to right
Slowly fades
Returns brighter
A bit tighter
No Longer will I Fight Her
Rocky shores
Or open doors

-------
First poem I have ever written. I like the way it turned out so I wanted to share it. I would appreciate any honest feedback.

Just dropping by to say I enjoyed your poem. It speaks to me of using difficult times to come out stronger.
Keep writing, keep enjoying what you write, and keep growing and improving ...don't quit and thank you for sharing. It's a nice poem

PS. I like your username.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
A Cloudy night
Deep darkness
A flash of light
Left to right
Slowly fades
Returns brighter
A bit tighter
No Longer will I Fight Her
Rocky shores
Or open doors

-------
First poem I have ever written. I like the way it turned out so I wanted to share it. I would appreciate any honest feedback.

Nice imagery. That's how we all start. Just stay in this, like that expressing and learning your way and enjoying it more.

Keep writing.
Good luck

Ritu
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

In a sense I agree with darkkin, in a sense following the rhyme can have a detrimental effect on the overall impact of a piece. This being said I also think that it helps you as a writer because striving to fit something into a series of rules, ultimately means that when you start ditching them you’re grounded in the discipline and mechanics of making your work fit into a rhyme scheme etc.

What I like most about this piece is the way in which you capture and share what the speaker is seeing and feeling, it makes the piece immediate to the reader. That’s no bad thing, being able to transport your reader to the piece is key. For me I probably would loosen the use of rhyme and either end on fight her, or keep going after open doors, because currently I don’t think the piece feels finished. It almost feels like we should be getting another line.

Looking forward to how this develops

Cheers

Syd
 
Last edited:

Tree

Member
I greatly appreciate all the feedback. I went back and thought about the imagery in my head that I used to create the first draft and came up with this. This draft I feel is unresolved so far and im a bit stuck so I am going to post what I have so far.

A cloudy night devoid of all light
A man sat upon a wooden dinghy
A gust of frigid wind whistles all around
A flash of hope moved left to right
A siren's song that keeps calling
A path to rocky shores
 

Darkkin

WF Veterans
I greatly appreciate all the feedback. I went back and thought about the imagery in my head that I used to create the first draft and came up with this. This draft I feel is unresolved so far and im a bit stuck so I am going to post what I have so far.

A cloudy night devoid of all light This line is a double redundancy, as cloudy implies an inherent lack of light
A man sat upon a wooden dinghy Basic prose, nothing overly creative...why not merely say dinghy, why include wooden, as the tone of the piece implies a simple craft? Also, the use of upon, rather than in, where in the context of the image is the boat, upside down on shore or on the water, because if it is on the water, upon does not work because the guy would be in the boat. With poetry word choice is going to count, make sure they have imapct
A gust of frigid wind whistles all around Again, word choice this is the fourth line that starts with a...because of this, a little bit of a Dick and Jane feel is starting to take root. New line A, new line A. It reads like beginning reader prose, not a cohesive poem.
A flash of hope moved left to right How does hope flash and move left to right? There is no basic context to support the statement of this line. Logically it doesn't function. If it were something like a lighthouse for example, that would make more sense, but context needs to support the imagery.
A siren's song that keeps calling Last two lines lemd some intrigue but seem disconnected from the sailor, but there is still a lot of prose filler e.g. that keeps calling. Consider: A siren's call, a lure to rocky shores.
A path to rocky shores

Connect A to B and be aware of filler.

e.g.

Smugglers' moon, ebb tide night
above the dagger shore she stands
a beacon steadfast and true,
her beam out o'er the sea
sweeps, turns dark to bright

and on an upturned dinghy
the rheumy tar watches
listens to the oldest song
those haunted siren strains

an endless war wages
the light and the sea
tattered cliffs to fluid graves

e.g.

weathered ears hear it
a call as old as the sea
the ageless siren hidden
on the snaggle tooth shore

still she hides as she sings
ducks beneath the sweep
of the sailors' hope,
their beacon
a swath of bright
harsh against the dark

but tonight that siren calls
and that old tar, long tempted,
seeks the source of the thrall

Poetry like prose needs to have its context grounded because with fewer words, the impact of each word increases exponentially. Trust a word to carry the weight of its meaning, this can help reduce redundancies. Like trying to tighten a bolt in a confined space, it takes a few tries to get a good grasp on it. A good example of a sea shanty is Longfellow's The Wreck of the Hesperus. It is also an excellent example of a well executed rhyme scheme. Keep at it.

- D.
 
Last edited:
Top