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Chance (1 Viewer)

Annie. Marie

Senior Member
The human body is amazing
yet very flawed,
so why wouldn’t we be?
Yes,
we are not our bodies
but we come from the same
and as we are held by the same knowledge
one must keep going.
Day by day.
A slave to chance.

 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like this, oddly enough I’m currently re-reading Corpus by Michael Symmons Roberts, and this collection features a few pieces on a similar theme. Like you he makes a comment on humanity itself by focusing solely on the miracle that is the body. It’s worth a read if it’s a theme often prevalent in your work.

For me I like the way in which you approach the subject from a positive position, despite our flaws, despite the fact that we are slaves to chance we need to keep going.

If I was to make a criticism I would suggest that there are some words that you could do without. I think in places it is over worded, the impact of the piece could be strengthened through omission. I’ve crossed out some words that I don’t think are necessary below.

I hope there is something helpful there for you.

Cheers

Syd

The human body is amazing
yet very flawed,
so why wouldn’t we be?
Yes,
we are not our bodies
but we come from the same
and as we are held by the same knowledge
one must keep going.
Day by day.
A slave to chance.
 

ritudimrinautiyal

Senior Member
The human body is amazing
yet very flawed,
so why wouldn’t we be?
Yes,
we are not our bodies
but we come from the same
and as we are held by the same knowledge
one must keep going.
Day by day.
A slave to chance.


Hi Annie

Lovely poem. Human body is amazing but flawed, one must keep going day by day, a slave to chance.....to get better

Keep expressing

Ritu
 

Jk_Sl

Senior Member
The human body is amazing
yet very flawed,
so why wouldn’t we be?
Yes,
we are not our bodies
but we come from the same
and as we are held by the same knowledge
one must keep going.
Day by day.
A slave to chance.


b2fac6f93a03dc76033e90e2df2941e1.jpg


Nikita Gill.

You say flaws I say beauty
Thank you for sharing.

J.h
 
Last edited:

happy-hippie

Senior Member
The human body is amazing
yet very flawed,
so why wouldn’t we be?
Yes,
we are not our bodies
but we come from the same
and as we are held by the same knowledge
one must keep going.
Day by day.
A slave to chance.

So simple but so true...I really like the last line. Brings it all together perfectly. Great job.
 

Firemajic

Poetry Mentor
Staff member
Senior Mentor
The human body is amazing
yet very flawed,
so why wouldn’t we be?
Yes,
we are not our bodies
but we come from the same
and as we are held by the same knowledge
one must keep going.
Day by day.
A slave to chance.


Hello, welcome to the Poet's Showcase ;) This is a nice poem.... but it does not [ IMO] give your reader anything to ponder ... there are some broad generalizations .. vague thoughts such as : We are held by the same knowledge"... "one must keep going"... your opening line almost sounds like an essay....

Now, having said that, I must say I love the Idea behind this poem and I think you could work on this and make it personal, YOUR intimate thoughts on this topic... there are many ways to show your creativity and I would love to read THAT poem... you have a lovely, calm poetic voice, so make your words unforgettable... Thank you for sharing.. ;)
 

escorial

WF Veterans
If it was written in a more singular tone it would give it a more internal read ...the use of(we)...slave to chance I read as possible external influences on the body... something like self destruct would give it a more solid pov
 
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