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Cerebral Cortex (1 Viewer)

O'Ryan

Member
CEREBRAL CORTEX
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I do what I do, just trying to live like you
But I can't understand how our time messing with our mind can rearrange our passion with a touch
Feeling like a harden heart of Pharaoh
What happened to our devotion of fondness,
The warmth of goodness, where we felt like
The grace of God in the light of it all,
How can Love technically die, and bring
Resentment to life full of anger and such
Into this world we are born wounded
By the Devil and torn cursed by the sight of God
Nor understanding the will of enlightenment
To bring forth our garden of fruit of knowledge
Oh Sin who are you, what's your purpose in my
Life, Adam and Eve perfect husband and wife
Emotional rollercoaster of lies narrating my mind
Condescending and unkind
What is suicide and why
I know my mind is better than that sticking to a better plan
Holy tongue beseeching the Son
Where's your lovely ego
Creating things seen and unseen
And knowing the full embodyment of the Lord
Wasn't I born in your name
You know you're heart and it's not in vain
Watching me sleep for goodness sake
Take our breath of life
And get rid of that Snake

Writer
Ryan K Pendley
 

2020Syd2020

Senior Member
Hello,

I like the way in which religiosity blends and weaves its way through the piece, given that it seems to come straight from the mind of the speaker this gives the reader an interesting insight into the psyche of the poet as well as a control point reader is familiar with a biblical narrative.

I think the piece could be strengthened in terms of structure, cutting away longer lines and create stanzas or some form of break to give the reader time to digest what they’re reading.

I hope this helps

Cheers

Syd
 

O'Ryan

Member
Thank you for reading my poem, I'm a novice writer like a year or so.. I'm still learning the ropes and terminology of writing... Please elaborate and let me understand..??
 
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