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Can Some1 Plz Proofread This Asap:) (1 Viewer)

khan88

Senior Member
i am desperate:(..can somebody please edit this for me....its an essay for the university of chicagp's admission. ...so you can only imagine how perfect it needs to be...please...if someone can help me out...i need grammar and spelling chek..can u guys chek if i have any run-ons..or other crzy sentences...can you also tell me if the entire thing makes sense and goes together with the promt...please can someoen help me...it will b greatly appreciated...thank you so much...deadlines are approaching fast so i need this ASAP thank you sooooo much
the prompt for the essay is: mind that does not stick...write your thoughts on this line..

here is my essay :)

You might know Normal, Illinois as a small town, about two hours away from Chicago. To me, Normal, Illinois was the beginning of my new life as an American. I came to America when I was eight years old. Two weeks later, my dad died of a heart attack. My siblings and I moved to Normal, Illinois. We moved in with my older brother who was attending Illinois State University. I was excited and confused. I would have to adjust to a whole new country, language, and lifestyle. I was a young child so it was fairly easy for me to become accustomed to my new environment. It was easy for me to make friends and those friends ended up teaching me a lot about the American culture and language.
As humans we are constantly changing and acclimating. One of the earliest examples of adaptation could be the process of how our ancestors stood upright. Trees began to decrease as climate changed and the open grounds were not favorable to our ancestors. They learned to stand upright so they could look over tall grasses and have a further reach to find food. They constantly adapted to their changing environment. Our developing brains grew larger and larger, from Australopithecus afarensis to Homo erectus; we finally came to be the Homo sapiens, “wise man.” Every creature must learn to change with the world in order to survive and compete against other creatures. Nature forces a creature to either adapt or go extinct. This is the idea of competitive exclusion. The idea of natural selection says that those creatures that are better adapted to their environment have a higher chance of survival than those creatures that do not adapt. As humans, we have evolved to become more successful and this idea of adjustment can be easily implied to our personal lives.
Change is probably one of the strongest forces of our life. We change with age. As we grow older, our frame of mind changes in order to fit into our age group. An eleventh grader is not expected to think like a fifth grader, but a fifth grader who can think like an eleventh grader is praised. This is the brilliance of the human mind that it can only look forward. We loose our loved ones, but we learn to move on. Most of us cannot end our own lives with the ones that we loose. Grief and loss turns into a memory in the back of our mind, as we progress further. We move to a new neighborhood, state or country and we must learn to adjust to that environment. I experienced this at a very early age as I struggled to find my place in a new society. Now I am seventeen, fluent in the English language, about to graduate from Bartlett High School. As I write this essay about our incredible, ever-changing mind, I reminisce over my own personal adaptations. I have lived about eight years without my father, something I could not even think of doing when he was around. This is the brilliance of life and nature. Some call it science, but I call it the miracle works of God. We have become Homo sapiens from Australopithecines. We continue to grow, technologically, as our minds expand and as the world around us changes. Somehow, in the course of eight years, that confused Pakistani girl transformed in to a well- adjusted American citizen.
 

Scratches

Senior Member
Just a few quick changes I'd make:

khan88 said:
Trees began to decrease as climate changed
-> "Trees began to decrease in number"

a further reach to find food
Maybe "a greater scope"?

we finally came to be the Homo sapiens, “wise man.”
-> "we finally came to be homo sapiens, or "wise man"."

This is the brilliance of the human mind that it can only look forward.
Might make more sense with a semi-colon after "mind".

We loose our loved ones
"Lose" instead of "loose" in this instance and the next.

Grief and loss turns
"Turn", as the verb here describes two things.

I reminisce over my own personal adaptations.
Maybe "about", not "over"?

I think maybe you have to make a slightly more direct reference to the prompt, but otherwise this was nicely structured. Maybe you could add a few more personal touches - things that are individual to you and your family.
 

Mean

Senior Member
I think the poster (khan88) is asking for help with his essay, not with his topic subject.


[EDIT: Curse those smilies]
 

khan88

Senior Member
thank you

omg thank you sooooo muchh...and im realy sorry for the title of the message...i read d arules after i posted...i had no time cuz i needed to get this essay doen quikly...again im very sorry and it will never happen again..also im very extremely sry for posting duplicate messages....i read da rules after posting my foirst two posts...cuz im a new user...im soo sorry..it will never happen again....i made da changes that u told me too...thank you soooooooooooooooo much for that..it really did help big time...and about adding more direct reference to the prompt...i could only think of one more line to add....i dunno how to make it more direct without messing up the entire papaer...or startin over..but thanks for tellin me so i tried to make it a little more direct by adding this line in my conclusion.......The human mind cannot stick in one place and will, almost always; naturally adjust to find the means of survival....is the semi colon in the rigth place?? are all the changes fine? can some1 just look at it one final time b4 i turn it in...thank you soo much..and im sorry for the wrong title and double postinng...

You might know Normal, Illinois as a small town, about two hours away from Chicago. To me, Normal, Illinois was the beginning of my new life as an American. I came to America when I was eight years old. Two weeks later, my dad died of a heart attack. My siblings and I moved to Normal, Illinois. We moved in with my older brother who was attending Illinois State University. I was excited and confused. I would have to adjust to a whole new country, language, and lifestyle. I was a young child so it was fairly easy for me to become accustomed to my new environment. It was easy for me to make friends and those friends ended up teaching me a lot about the American culture and language.
As humans we are constantly changing and acclimating. One of the earliest examples of adaptation could be the process of how our ancestors stood upright. Trees began to decrease in number as climate changed and the open grounds were not favorable to our ancestors. They learned to stand upright so they could look over tall grasses and have a greater scope. They constantly adapted to their changing environment. Our developing brains grew larger and larger, from Australopithecus afarensis to Homo erectus; we finally came to be Homo sapiens, “wise man.” Every creature must learn to change with the world in order to survive and compete against other creatures. Nature forces a creature to either adapt or go extinct. This is the idea of competitive exclusion. The idea of natural selection says that those creatures that are better adapted to their environment have a higher chance of survival than those creatures that do not adapt. As humans, we have evolved to become more successful and this idea of adjustment can be easily implied to our personal lives.
Change is probably one of the strongest forces of our life. We change with age. As we grow older, our frame of mind changes in order to fit into our age group. An eleventh grader is not expected to think like a fifth grader, but a fifth grader who can think like an eleventh grader is praised. This is the brilliance of the human mind; it can only look forward. We lose our loved ones, but we learn to move on. Most of us cannot end our own lives with the ones that we lose. Grief and lose turn into a memory in the back of our mind, as we progress further. When we move to a new neighborhood, state or country, we must learn to adjust to that environment. I experienced this at a very early age as I struggled to find my place in a new society. Now I am seventeen, fluent in the English language, about to graduate from Bartlett High School. As I write this essay about our incredible, ever-changing mind, I reminisce about my own personal adaptations. I have lived about eight years without my father, something I could not even think of doing when he was around. This is the brilliance of life and nature. Some call it science, but I call it the miracle works of God. We have become Homo sapiens from Australopithecines. We continue to grow, technologically, as our minds expand and as the world around us changes. The human mind cannot stick in one place and will, almost always; naturally adjust to find the means of survival. Somehow, in the course of eight years, that confused Pakistani girl transformed in to a well- adjusted American citizen.
 

khan88

Senior Member
sorry

I am very sorry. I apologize for my spelling errors. Can someone edit the final draft for me and again i am sorry for my spelling errors.
 
C

ChrispyChicken

Ok a couple things....

As humans, we have evolved to become more successful and this idea of adjustment can be easily implied to our personal lives.

Implied is used improperly here, it should be applied.

This is the brilliance of the human mind that it can only look forward.

That sentence is mangled. You need to revise it to something like...
This is the brilliance of the human mind, in the fact that it can only look forward.
Dunno how good that sounds, up to you what you change it to.

Grief and loss turns into a memory in the back of our mind, as we progress further.

Turns should be in the singular form. Turn refers to memory in this, not grief and loss... I think so anyway, lol.

Generally speaking, this essay seemed very dry to me. Now, I'm only 14, so I don't know all that much about what colleges are looking for, but they are looking for some measure of voice, according to my teachers. This essay is very to-the-book, in my opinion you need more expression. Something that makes it unique. But, I'd wait for someone a tad bit more expierenced than me to come along and tell you what they think before you totally redo this essay.

Goodluck on getting in! :profiler::):profilel:
 

StephenP2003

Senior Member
Chrispy is right about this essay. If this essay weighs heavily on whether you are admitted or not, I don't think this is going to cut it. One thing I must say is that the style is bit irritating. Your sentences are entirely too short; you're not Faulkner. :)

It does need a voice. They want to know who you are, and you don't have to be a super awesome writer in order to get that across. I'm 20, so I've been there, done that. Good luck with your revisions, and post back later!
 

Scratches

Senior Member
I think the new sentence is fine and dandy. Just remove the semi-colon, yeah - it doesn't make much sense there. Good luck.
 

khan88

Senior Member
thank you

thank you so much. That was a huge help. I learned a lot. Here is another shot. I personlaized the essay alot more. The reason i aded the history of humans is because it shows how humans adapted to their changing enviornment to survive. and when i moved to america i had to adapt to the ways of life here. and every time i moved i had to adapt to the neighborhood and school. the history of humans was just another bigger example of the small ways we as humans learn to adapt and change. Mind that does not stick. Thank You so much

here the new essay

I stepped out of the airplane and into O’Hare Airport. Staring out of the window, I was confused by the presence of a white blanket covering everything. I was staring at what I would later learn to be snow, something that one didn't see much of in Pakistan.

I came to America as an anxious and excited eight year old. Normal, Illinois, a small town about two hours away from Chicago, was the beginning of my new life as an American. Two weeks after coming to America, I was devastated by the loss of my father. My siblings, my mother and I moved in with my older brother who was attending Illinois State University. The tight-nit community of Normal is where I made my adjustment to an entirely new country, culture, and language. Being younger than my siblings, I found it easier to become accustomed to my new environment. It was easy making friends and those friends ended up teaching me a lot about the American culture and language.
Change is probably one of the strongest forces in our lives; we change as we age. As we grow older, our frame of mind changes in order to conform with our age group. An eleventh grader is not expected to think like a fifth grader, but a fifth grader who can think like an eleventh grader is praised. This is the brilliance of the human mind; it can only look forward. We lose our loved ones, but we learn to move on. Most of us cannot end our own lives with the ones that we lose. Grief and loss turn into a memory in the back of our mind, as we progress further.
As humans we are constantly changing and acclimating. One of the earliest examples of adaptation could be the process of how our ancestors stood upright. Trees began to decrease in number as climate changed and the open grounds were not favorable to our ancestors. They learned to stand upright so they could look over tall grasses and have a greater scope for food. They constantly adapted to their changing environment. Our developing brains grew larger and larger, from Australopithecus afarensis to Homo erectus; we finally came to be Homo sapiens, “wise man.” Every creature must learn to change with the world in order to survive and compete against other creatures. When two related species compete in the same niche, one will inevitably defeat the other causing it to adapt or go extinct.. This is the idea of competitive exclusion.
The idea of natural selection says that those creatures that are better adapted to their environment have a higher chance of survival than those creatures that do not adapt. As humans, we have evolved to become more successful and this idea of changing and adjusting can be easily implied to our personal lives.

When we move to a new neighborhood, state or country, we must learn to adjust to that environment. I experienced this at a very early age as I struggled to find my place in a new society. Lucky for me, I made friends quickly in Sugar Creek Elementary. My friends were fascinated by my native tongue and culture. I was always eager to find out more about the American culture. My friends and I ended up educating each other.
When I think of Normal, Illinois, two names run into my memory. Two sisters, Heather and Leanne, used to live in the apartment above mine. Heather was a high school drop out and Leanne worked most of the day to support her sister and herself. Even though she was so much older, Heather and I would spend a lot of time together. After school I would go to her apartment and she would tell me long stories about her life. We both learned from each other as I gave her a taste of Pakistani dishes and as she taught me about the American way of life. She helped me fit in to a whole new world and taught me new social rules. Even though I lucked out in Normal, Illinois, a Heather was not always there every time I moved. Over the next few years, I moved four times and every time I was on my own to discover my new neighborhood and school. I had to get used to the fact that I would be constantly adjusting to a new place. I learned to make friends quickly, from school after school. I also learned the art of catching up in a class as a new student. I got used to saying bye to friends and neighborhoods.

Now I am seventeen, fluent in the English language, about to graduate from Bartlett High School. As I write this essay about our incredible, ever-changing mind, I reminisce about my own personal adaptations. I have lived about eight years without my father, something I could not even think of doing when he was around. This is the brilliance of life and nature. Some call it science, but I call it the miracle works of God. We have become Homo sapiens from Australopithecines. We continue to grow, technologically, as our minds expand and as the world around us changes. The human mind cannot stick in one place and will, almost always; naturally adjust to find the means of survival. Somehow, in the course of eight years, that confused Pakistani girl transformed in to a well- adjusted American citizen.
 

Mean

Senior Member
khan88 said:
I was staring at what I would later learn to be snow, something that one didn't see much of in Pakistan.

The word "that" doesn't really need to be there. Also, do people in Pakistan not know what snow is, or was that meant to be humorous or ironic?



khan88 said:
I have lived about eight years without my father

This sounds like you're unsure of how long ago your father passed. I'd consider changing "about" to "almost" or dropping it completely.

khan88 said:
something I could not even think of doing when he was around.

I understand what you mean, but a more critical person might wonder how you could think of living eight years without your father when he was around unless you didn't get along with him.


khan88 said:
We have become Homo sapiens from Australopithecines.

How about, "We have evolved from Australopithecines, becoming Homo sapiens."? Just a thought.

khan88 said:
The human mind cannot stick in one place and will, almost always; naturally adjust to find the means of survival.

I'd replace "stick" with "remain" and "place" with "state". This changes the meaning from "the mind is restless and can't stay in one place" to "the mind must evolve", in my opinion.

Also, I don't think the semicolon is necessary there.
"...will, almost always, naturally adjust to find the means of survival."



Hope some of that made sense and helps somehow.
 

khan88

Senior Member
thank you

Thank you so much. That was a big help. If i get into University of Chicago, all the credit goes to this forum. All of you have been a great help and i truly appreciate you all taking the time to look over my essay. I know it wasn't even close to the best essays you have read but do you guys think it is good enough for the University of Chiago? Is it still boring and unoriginal? Thank you so much, once again. Means's comments and everyone esle's helped a lot.
 

khan88

Senior Member
Essay for Northwestern

Thank you for all you guys' help on my last essay. Sorry to bother you guys but this is an essay to Northwestern. Can someone look over it and tell me if it is okay or what i need to change? The prompt is:

An old expression says, "what is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right." Give an example of a time when you made a choice that was not popular, but you felt was right. Why did you make this choice? What happened as a result?

here is the essay..this is a short one only 500 words

"Middle Eastern studies? What are you going to do with that degree?" Most of my family members tend to have the same response when I tell them about my future goals. Some of them do not express their opinion, but I can usually tell by their facial expressions that they are not too fond of my plans.
Welcome to my world which is my family. My brothers, cousins and brother in laws have years of experience and highly established careers in medical or engineering. They are the proud alumni of prestigious universities from Berkley to the University of Chicago at Urbana Champaign. My younger cousins have already started their journey into the medical world.
“Look at your cousins. They have started their volunteer hours at the hospital and they are looking for good medical schools. If you do not like medical than why don’t you consider engineering? You have to become something in life,” my older brother always lectures me. The pressure of becoming “something” has created an extremely narrow road to success.
“Why don’t you become a doctor? They make good money,” my mother always asks me. She uses salary as a measuring tool for success. Many around me believe that eternal happiness can be achieved through enormous paychecks and those paychecks are the result of hard work. Now let me define my family’s idea of “hard work.” Hard work is when one goes to a prominent medical or engineering school and becomes “successful,” whether or not they are avid.
Success paints a different picture in my mind. Achievement comes from determination which is driven from passion. Success will move towards me when I write substantial books and articles about Middle Eastern issues. Success will run to me when I write a phenomenal master’s thesis. Success already comes to me, every time I finish reading an article or book about the Middle East. I am willing to put the time and effort required to complete my PhD. I want to dedicate my entire self to writing, researching and teaching about the Middle East. My history teacher says life is a mirror; you get out what you put in, ugly in, ugly out, pretty in, and pretty out. If I offer my honest effort and dedication, life will grant me with success in more ways than just a paycheck.
I cannot explain to my uncle why I volunteer at an Islamic Sunday school rather than a hospital. My older brothers will never realize what I am going to achieve by becoming a Middle Eastern expert. My mom refuses to believe that her daughter is committed rather than desperately holding on and waiting for the next big paycheck. I want to go further than the typical nine to five job and do community work, research, and write. My family cannot comprehend why I would not make a successful doctor or engineer.
I have rational facts that support the decisions I make. I consider myself to be “someone” and not just another "something" in my family.
 

valeca

Patron
First step - format it. A big chunk of words smooshed together is unattractive and a chore to read.
 

khan88

Senior Member
i am sorry. Is this what you meant when you said format it? I spaced out the paragraphs more. I hope this is what you meant. I am a bit confused.:-(

"Middle Eastern studies? What are you going to do with that degree?" Most of my family members tend to have the same response when I tell them about my future goals. Some of them do not express their opinion, but I can usually tell by their facial expressions that they are not too fond of my plans.
Welcome to my world which is my family. My brothers, cousins and brother in laws have years of experience and highly established careers in medical or engineering. They are the proud alumni of prestigious universities from Berkley to the University of Chicago at Urbana Champaign. My younger cousins have already started their journey into the medical world.


“Look at your cousins. They have started their volunteer hours at the hospital and they are looking for good medical schools. If you do not like medical than why don’t you consider engineering? You have to become something in life,” my older brother always lectures me. The pressure of becoming “something” has created an extremely narrow road to success.
“Why don’t you become a doctor? They make good money,” my mother always asks me. She uses salary as a measuring tool for success. Many around me believe that eternal happiness can be achieved through enormous paychecks and those paychecks are the result of hard work. Now let me define my family’s idea of “hard work.” Hard work is when one goes to a prominent medical or engineering school and becomes “successful,” whether or not they are avid.


Success paints a different picture in my mind. Achievement comes from determination which is driven from passion. Success will move towards me when I write substantial books and articles about Middle Eastern issues. Success will run to me when I write a phenomenal master’s thesis. Success already comes to me, every time I finish reading an article or book about the Middle East. I am willing to put the time and effort required to complete my PhD. I want to dedicate my entire self to writing, researching and teaching about the Middle East. My history teacher says life is a mirror; you get out what you put in, ugly in, ugly out, pretty in, and pretty out. If I offer my honest effort and dedication, life will grant me with success in more ways than just a paycheck.


I cannot explain to my uncle why I volunteer at an Islamic Sunday school rather than a hospital. My older brothers will never realize what I am going to achieve by becoming a Middle Eastern expert. My mom refuses to believe that her daughter is committed rather than desperately holding on and waiting for the next big paycheck. I want to go further than the typical nine to five job and do community work, research, and write. My family cannot comprehend why I would not make a successful doctor or engineer.
I have rational facts that support the decisions I make. I consider myself to be “someone” and not just another "something" in my family.
 
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