Thanksgiving is a time when we can all get together with our families and remember why we don't live at home anymore. It's not like our families hate us, nor do we hate them, but the reasons are clear why we leave home when we do. When, or if, I get together with my family for the holiday, there will be hours upon hours of sitting around looking at each other uncomfortably. My Father will sit in his chair yelling at kids who aren't doing anything nearly as bad as he thinks. The parents will sit there silent, afraid to say anything because they all think my Father is a demon from the ninth plane who will devour their soul. I will sit there wondering how these people ever survived without alcohol.
I can't drink beer when I hang out with my entire family. I...well...I can, but I'd rather not have my oldest brother look at me with disdain in his eyes. It's not that I care what he thinks about me, it's just that it really makes me want to kick the shit out of him. I don't need any one of my brothers looking down on me. I know those pricks and they are all worthy of pity themselves. I may be the only person in my family who could be categorized as "sane" and I have beer to thank for that.
The food isn't the same since my Mom passed away, either. Granted, when she made turkey, it was so dry that it actually absorbed moisture from the air. I mean, I'd never seen turkey soak up gravy so fast. But there was never enough gravy. Nowadays, IF we have a turkey, the person who cooked it is so proud of the fact that is isn't dry that they become people I hate. That's when I say, "just carve them damn bird you jackass" and I get in trouble.
The only good thing about the holidays with my family is that everybody is so eager to leave, they come with excuses prefabricated. Have you ever talked to somebody who you knew was lying? Have you ever witnessed an obvious lie as it unfolds, and the liar himself tries so hard to make it seem true that he ends up sounding like the Federal Government explaining UFOs? Example:
Me: "What's going on for Thanksgiving?"
Other person: "Oh. Well. We, umm...have a lot of "work" to do around here, so I think we're going to stay home."
Me: "Aiight."
Other person: "Yeah. This work thing I mentioned? Whew. Boy do we have a lot of work...which is why we can't....be...somewhere else...?"
Me: "Oklie doklie then."
Other person: "Yeah! It's like, I'm sayin' 'Man! Do we have a lot of work to do? Hell yes!" It's like that this Thanksgiving so we can't do something other than stay here and work."
Me: "Sucks."
Other person; "Yer tellin' me! We have to pull up floors and put down new ones, we have to paint some things and we have to clean up after. It's like I'm my own slave! Only I'll probably have Thanksgiving dinner."
Me: "Yeah. I'll probably eat ramen noodles and an old hot dog I have left over from the fourth of July."
Other person: "Oh. You could some over and eat..." (I can hear his wife smack him in the head) "...at the YMCA! They're serving Thanksgiving dinner." (silence) "Well, I, ummm....better get going! I have to start working on that whole 'work' thing I told you about."
Me: "It's Sunday. Thanksgiving isn't for two weeks."
Other person: "I know, dude! We have so much work to do!"
Me; "Okay bye." *click*
You guys may not believe this, but I'm not stupid. A lie of that magnitude executed so poorly can be seen from space. Am I wrong for wanting to choke this person with his own entrails?
But I'm not bitter.
I can't drink beer when I hang out with my entire family. I...well...I can, but I'd rather not have my oldest brother look at me with disdain in his eyes. It's not that I care what he thinks about me, it's just that it really makes me want to kick the shit out of him. I don't need any one of my brothers looking down on me. I know those pricks and they are all worthy of pity themselves. I may be the only person in my family who could be categorized as "sane" and I have beer to thank for that.
The food isn't the same since my Mom passed away, either. Granted, when she made turkey, it was so dry that it actually absorbed moisture from the air. I mean, I'd never seen turkey soak up gravy so fast. But there was never enough gravy. Nowadays, IF we have a turkey, the person who cooked it is so proud of the fact that is isn't dry that they become people I hate. That's when I say, "just carve them damn bird you jackass" and I get in trouble.
The only good thing about the holidays with my family is that everybody is so eager to leave, they come with excuses prefabricated. Have you ever talked to somebody who you knew was lying? Have you ever witnessed an obvious lie as it unfolds, and the liar himself tries so hard to make it seem true that he ends up sounding like the Federal Government explaining UFOs? Example:
Me: "What's going on for Thanksgiving?"
Other person: "Oh. Well. We, umm...have a lot of "work" to do around here, so I think we're going to stay home."
Me: "Aiight."
Other person: "Yeah. This work thing I mentioned? Whew. Boy do we have a lot of work...which is why we can't....be...somewhere else...?"
Me: "Oklie doklie then."
Other person: "Yeah! It's like, I'm sayin' 'Man! Do we have a lot of work to do? Hell yes!" It's like that this Thanksgiving so we can't do something other than stay here and work."
Me: "Sucks."
Other person; "Yer tellin' me! We have to pull up floors and put down new ones, we have to paint some things and we have to clean up after. It's like I'm my own slave! Only I'll probably have Thanksgiving dinner."
Me: "Yeah. I'll probably eat ramen noodles and an old hot dog I have left over from the fourth of July."
Other person: "Oh. You could some over and eat..." (I can hear his wife smack him in the head) "...at the YMCA! They're serving Thanksgiving dinner." (silence) "Well, I, ummm....better get going! I have to start working on that whole 'work' thing I told you about."
Me: "It's Sunday. Thanksgiving isn't for two weeks."
Other person: "I know, dude! We have so much work to do!"
Me; "Okay bye." *click*
You guys may not believe this, but I'm not stupid. A lie of that magnitude executed so poorly can be seen from space. Am I wrong for wanting to choke this person with his own entrails?
But I'm not bitter.
